Confessions of a Litigation God

After the nurse leaves, I wait some more, but it’s only a few moments before Mac stands from the chair. She leans over, kisses her mom on the cheek, and turns, walking straight to me.

I have no choice but to open my arms and let her step into my embrace. Not that I wouldn’t want to do it, but she didn’t wait for me to offer. She needed my comfort, and she demanded it.

Of course, I gave it.

After a few minutes of me leaning my cheek on top of her head and stroking her back, she pulls back slightly and says. “I’d really love to get out of here. ”

“Where to?” I ask her, because I don’t know if she just wants out of this room or wants out of this city.

“I know you have a flight out of here soon, so how about we just take a walk nearby. ”

“Sure,” I tell her with a smile as I take her hand.

I lead her from her mother’s room… from the hospital, from where death and grief clog the air. We step out into the summer sunshine and with some fortuitously accidental navigation, we find a beautiful park across the street and meander around for a while. My plane doesn’t leave for another three hours, so I have a bit of time. When I found out Macy would be arriving this afternoon, I knew it was safe for me to return to New York, because Mac would have someone by her side.

Part of me did want to stay. Deep down, there was a small part of me that liked Mac leaning on me.

But the larger part of me, the one that is scared shitless, is demanding I leave. This entire trip to Nashville has been surreal. In just a matter of two days and due to one horrifyingly tragic circumstance, the dynamic of my relationship with Mac has changed. I provided emotional support to her, and that is definitely not something I should be doing in a sex-only relationship. Doesn’t matter I wanted to provide it… I shouldn’t have provided it.

I actually have to tell myself, “Don’t get in any deeper, Matt. The deeper you go, the more painful it’s going to be when your heart gets ripped out. ”

So yeah… it’s good I’m leaving. Mac will be fine because Macy will be here, and I’m going to get back into the swing of my life. When Mac comes back to New York, we can hopefully just pick up where we left off.

“Have you ever lost a loved one?” Mac asks innocently, our hands held together loosely as we walk, swinging back and forth.

God, have I ever.

I lost the woman I thought was the love of my life. I lost her for absolutely no-good f**king reason other than the fact she was selfish, cruel, and without conscience. It was a loss that may not have been quite the same as death, but for the way my shredded heart felt, I think I felt it just as keenly as what Mac is feeling right now. It may not be the same type of love, but I felt its loss deep in my soul. It’s the exact pain I am trying to avoid by never getting that lost to someone again.

By never succumbing to the concept of infinite love and commitment. It’s a fallacy… a perversion to my senses. It has no place in my life ever again.

I know, however, Mac is not asking about that. She’s talking about true death, so I answer her, “My grandfather… on my dad’s side. About three years ago. ”

“Were you close?”

“Not really, but only because he and my grandmother live down in southern Florida. We just didn’t see them very often. ”

Mac doesn’t make any comment about it, preferring to walk along in silence. I find myself curious though. “I’m assuming you don’t have any siblings?”

“I’m an only child. I have a few cousins, but they all live out in California. ”

“So, no other family then in this area?”

“Nope. All alone. ”

The sun is warm, and the grass is green. It’s a beautiful day, and it feels like we left the heaviness of despair far behind us.

“So what about you?” Mac asks curiously. “What’s your family situation?”

Every instinct in me screams at me to lie to her. To tell her I don’t have any and leave it at that. But I can’t. It’s not fair to feed her falsehoods in any circumstance, but not particularly when she has suffered the way she has.

“My mom and dad live in Pennsylvania, where we’re from originally. Just outside of Philadelphia. My mom’s parents are there as well, and my other grandmother is still down in Florida. ”

I sneak a look down at Mac’s face, and she’s smiling softly. “So you’re an only child too?”

“That I am,” I confirm.

We walk along in silence for a bit more, Mac turning us back around to head to the hospital where we can get a cab back to the hotel so I can get my suitcase. “Thanks for the walk. That was nice, and I needed that. ”

I open my mouth to say, “Your Welcome,” but instead I say, “I have a son. ”

Mac stops and turns to look at me, her head cocked to the side. Her face is soft and open, and she doesn’t appear to be pissed she’s just hearing this.

“His name is Gabe, and he’s seven years old. He’s pretty much the most perfect kid ever, and I know parents are supposed to say that, but it’s f**king true in my case. ”

“I know,” Mac says gently. “Cal told me. ”

Just the mention of his name and I’m suffused with anger. I’m pissed that Cal told her something personal that was for me to tell her, and I’m pissed that she was in a situation that required a conversation of the magnitude that would reveal I have a child.

I’m just pissed.

But then Mac leans into me, laying her head on my chest. “But I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough with me to share that. It means a lot. ”