Confessions of a Litigation God

Well f**k… my fury dissipates as I wrap my arms around Mac and pull her in close. I don’t like her having a friendship with Cal but, in the grand scheme of things… as I stand in Nashville, Tennessee, holding my lover in my arms not even an hour after her mother died in her arms… well, I have to push my shit aside and stand strong for Mac right now.

I can worry about all this other stuff later.

Chapter 19

I’m well aware that there is no such magical thing as a do-over, you having been privy to my thoughts previously on the matter.

But I need something.

I need something because I royally screwed the pooch when I went to Nashville. I broke the biggest rule of all, and that was allowing myself to care for Mac in a way that caused all of my common sense to fly out the window. I cared for her, I opened myself up, and I made myself vulnerable. The worst part is that now Mac is probably going to expect that warm and fuzzy Matt all the time, and I don’t have that in me to give consistently. That was a one-time only fluke.

I have to do something to fix that.

A reset, perhaps.

Yes, I need to put things back in their rightful order, so I’m hitting the reset button. It’s time to get back to doing what I do best.

And that’s f**king.

I walk up to Mac’s office. Today is her first day back since her mother’s funeral, and I want to say hello. She and I have texted for the past few days while she was in Tennessee, but I’ve carefully avoided having an actual phone conversation.

Looking in, she’s sitting at her desk, reading a sympathy card signed by all the attorneys and staff, which was with a huge bouquet of stargazer lilies on her desk. I know this because I approved the purchase to Karen yesterday when she suggested doing something for her return.

I wait to be overwhelmed with a mirage of conflicting feelings regarding Mac, especially since I crossed so many boundaries I had imposed on myself already. She sits there, so visually stunning and very desirable.

Also vulnerable and sad.

And as expected, I’m hit from all angles. I’m flooded with lust, my mind already playing out all the inappropriate things I want to do with her, and my heart is happy to see her again even though my brain is shaking its head saying “You stupid motherfucker”. I decide to push my heart to the rear and listen to my

brain and my dick.

“Welcome back,” I tell her from her doorway as I hold onto the doorframe with both hands and lean in.

Mac turns her head toward me, and I see her hastily blink back tears.

“Hey,” she says, giving me a friendly smile.

I stare at her hard, trying to figure out what’s going through her mind right now. Is she going to hold me to some impossible standard that I inadvertently set by my actions in Nashville?

Unfortunately, she gives nothing away, and it’s one of the reasons she’ll be a great litigator. Instead, her face looks at me with open curiosity for my visit.

“So… everything okay? Sure you’re ready to be back to work already?” I ask her hesitantly, trying to open the door to some generic conversation. Since her face isn’t giving anything away, maybe her words will.

“I’m sure,” she says with absolute conviction.

Hmmm. That told me absolutely nothing. Maybe I need to bait her a little… see if I can offend her sensibilities. I’m sure she is expecting something from me… something beyond an orgasm.

“Good,” I say aloofly. “There’s a new case I just assigned to you… You’ll see an email about it. Review it, and you’ll be handling the depositions next month. ”

“Oh-kay,” she says in confusion, and now I’m starting to get somewhere. She is indeed expecting something more than what I would have normally given her before.

I engage in a bit of a staring war with her, having to literally force myself not to ask her how she’s feeling. I may be acting like a cold bastard to her right now, but deep down… I really want to know she’s okay. I’m just going to have to assume she is, so I can go through with my plan to hit the reset button. I must maintain my “aloof ass**le mode”, which really should be my only mode from here on out.

When I can see the confusion on her face start to melt into sadness, it spurs me into action. Looking left and right down the hallway to make sure no one is coming, I lean into her office further and speak quietly so no one can hear. “Can I see you tonight?”

“Yes,” she says as relief washes over her face, which, in turn, causes relief to gush through my entire body. While I thought she would still want me, I was sort of prepared for her to push me away when she realized that we were going back to status quo.

“What do you want me to bring to eat?” I ask her, although I know without a doubt what I want to eat. More than once.

“Surprise me,” she says playfully.

I give her a wink, nod my head, then I turn around and walk away.

***

Operation Reset is in full swing, and it’s going f**king fantastic as far as I can tell. Every night this week, I’ve gone to Mac’s apartment with food after work. We eat… talk about a little of this, a little of that. Nothing really heavy.

After we clean up, we f**k like animals. Sometimes, I leave after just one round, and this is part of a calculated plan. I’ll cuddle with her just a tiny bit, until I can get my heart rate under control and feeling back in my legs. Then I’ll give her some excuse like an early morning meeting I have to prepare for, which necessitates my having to leave. The calculated part is that I want her to start understanding and accepting that I had to go back to the safer place of sex-only with no emotional ties.

Other times, I may lay with her in the bed for quite a while, talking or watching TV. This is not part of a calculated plan and occurs because it’s something I subconsciously want. I try to make myself pull away, running various excuses through my head. But on those occasions, I don’t listen to my common sense and stay in her arms because, damn it, if feels shamefully good. We will usually f**k at least once or twice more, but it’s done at a leisurely pace and with no regard for time. On those occasions, I won’t leave her place until usually two or three in the morning.