Confessions of a Litigation God

He trails off thankfully because I really, really don’t want the details, and he doesn’t want to say it out loud. “Then what happened?”

“We consummated, Matt. I had sex with her. But just moments after we started… I stopped it. I pushed her off because I had a wave of guilt slap me hard. I knew my friendship with you had already been ruined, but I couldn’t go through with it. I just want you to know, I will never be sorrier for anything I do the rest of my life than I am for what I did to you. I never want to cause that type of pain to another person. ”

He doesn’t say anything more, and he really doesn’t need to. Cal stares at me, his shame and remorse obvious. The funny thing is… I always knew he was remorseful. I never doubted that before.

Before, though… I just didn’t care.

Tapping my fingers on the table before me, I give Cal a sardonic smile. “I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. What I’ve determined is that I’m not the man I have the potential to be… for myself, for Mac. I need to be free from this. ”

Cal just nods at me in understanding.

“I forgive you, Cal. I forgive Marissa too, for that matter, but I’ll need to have that conversation with her later. ” I stare at him with conviction, so he understands I mean this from the bottom of my soul. “I’m letting it go, and I want you to as well. ”

He swallows hard and says, “Thank you, Matt. I don’t deserve it. ”

“Sure you do,” I tell him with a short smile. “Doesn’t mean we will ever be friends again… but you deserve forgiveness. Besides, looks like you’re in Mac’s life and I intend to be back in her life, so you and I needed to make amends. ”

He grins at me. “So are you going to do some groveling?”

“Yup. And you can help me out. Besides, you owe me. ”

“That I do… what do you need?”

“I want to run an idea by you first, and then I want you to make a phone call for me. ”

***

Cal is handling the favor I asked of him right this very moment by making a call to Mac. I’m standing outside of her office with my ear pressed against her closed door, listening to her entire conversation with him. None of it’s confidential, because he’s doing nothing more than telling her about the conversation I just had with him an hour ago at his office.

I can only hear Mac’s end of the conversation, but I hear excitement, and joy, and wonder in her voice as Cal tells her about our meeting just a bit ago. I can tell the moment that Cal tells her that I’m standing outside

of her office door, just as I asked him to, because she has a quick intake of breath and then says, “I’ll talk to you later, Cal. ”

My heart is slamming in my chest, waiting for her to open her office door. In just moments, the course of my life will be determined.

In just a moment, I’m saying f**k the risks and reaching for my reward.

The door opens, and I’ll never get tired of looking at this woman. Her eyes are clouded and I don’t know what she’s thinking. She gestures me in and says, “Cal said you forgave him. ”

“It needed to be done,” I respond as I watch her sit back down behind her desk.

Turning to me, she cocks an eyebrow. “Why is that?”

I don’t answer her, instead reaching inside my coat pocket and pulling out her letter of resignation she turned in to me two weeks ago. Throwing it on her desk, I watch as she stares at it a moment, and then looks up at me in confusion.

“Open it,” I tell her, nodding back down at the envelope.

She reaches out and picks it up, opening the flap and looking inside. Her eyebrows furrow inward and she turns the envelope upside down, letting the tiny scraps inside flutter out over her desk.

“I don’t accept your resignation,” I tell her firmly, and as evidenced by her letter I just returned to her torn to shreds.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You’re not quitting. I need you. ”

She curls a lip upward and scoffs at me. “You don’t need me. You can put an ad in the paper and have a hundred attorneys lined up in the morning, all with better grades and references than I have. ”

“No. You don’t get it,” I tell her softly, I but annunciate very clearly. “I. Need. You. ”

Mac’s eyebrows rise high now, as she understands what I’m saying. I take two steps until I’m standing directly in front of her as she looks up at me from her chair.

Dropping to my knees, I watch her eyes go warm, her lips slack. Leaning forward, I don’t say a word but merely wrap my arms around her waist and lay my head in her lap. It’s a move calculated for her to understand how very sorry I am for hurting her, and how very much I need her. I’m literally putting myself in her arms and begging her to let me back in. It’s the most humbling thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Mac’s arms come up and she puts her hands on my head, stroking her fingers through my hair. I sigh in contentment, because her touch feels so comforting. I decide this is the best thing I’ve ever felt. I’m never moving from this position, and I let Mac pet me as I lay in her embrace.

After what could be forever of basking in her touch, I squeeze her waist before pulling back.

My voice shakes with emotion. “I need you, Mac. I need your smile, your touch, and your wit. I need your tenderness, your brilliance, and your common sense. I need you to be my champion, and I need you to want to come home to me every night. I need all of those things… desperately. I think I might die without them. ”

I’m relieved when her eyes fill with hope and yearning, yet she still feels the need to clarify. “You need me?”

“You’re usually not this dense,” I say with a grin.

She’s adorable when she exposes her ear by pushing her hair behind it with her fingers. “It’s just… I’m not sure I heard you correctly. You did say you need me?”

“Yes,” I affirm as I bring my hands up to cup her face. Leaning in, I give the sweetest kiss I’ve ever bestowed. “I need you because I love you. When you love someone the way I love you, the need for that person is unquenchable. It will never go away… it will never abate. My need for you will be forever. ”

Her voice cracks with sentiment. “And when did you come to this realization?”

I smile at her with understanding eyes. “I think I’ve always known it. I was just too filled with so many other things that I refused to acknowledge it. But last night… I held you while you slept, and I just laid there… the entire time, realizing how wonderful it felt to have your body next to mine. When it got close to the time I needed to leave so I could get ready for work, I felt like my heart was being f**king pulled out of my chest. That’s the moment I decided to acknowledge it. ”