‘Kelsi?’
He was watching her closely. What did he expect—that she’d smile and say OK? It wasn’t OK, she wasn’t going to make it that easy for him. He wanted everything too easy.
‘Um…’ Emotion swamped her—pain and anger. Her hands shook and she curled her fingers to stop it. She couldn’t get past the shock. And the cold hard truth of his rejection. There wasn’t even the tiniest consideration that she might go with him. He was just going to walk out and leave her.
Military wives coped with their men leaving all the time. She knew that. But they had promises and security—and she didn’t mean financial.
Emotional. There was no emotional security with Jack.
‘Kelsi. You’ll be fine. You’ll be secure here.’
The air punctured her lungs like shards of glass, deflating the last of her dreams. Did he really think that was all that mattered? What about her heart? Her shaking only worsened and she stood. He’d given her more than that security. He’d given her a child and empty hope. And as payment he’d taken her heart. Only he didn’t actually want it.
And that was the horrible reality, wasn’t it—he didn’t want her. Not for anything more than a little fling.
‘Our sleeping together again was a really big mistake,’ she mumbled.
‘It had to happen, Kelsi, you know it did. You can’t regret it.’
She didn’t look at him. It had to happen? What, they’d had to burn it out? But it wasn’t burned out—for her it meant more than ever. Her hands slid to her belly. She regretted everything.
‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘Do not regret that.’ He walked across the room—halfway to the door already. ‘Kelsi, I have to go. This is my life.’
Yeah. His life of travel and adventure and always striving to push his body to the absolute boundaries of ability—all so admirable. Her anger raged—because his ‘extreme’ life was so safe. And so selfish.
‘And this is mine. You have to get on with yours, Jack, I get that. But I have to move on and make a life for myself and my child.’
He turned back to face her. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean I’m going to get on with it.’
‘Without me.’
‘You’re the one choosing to leave.’
‘And there’s no coming back? Is that it?’
She nodded fiercely.
‘What, this is some kind of ultimatum?’ His voice rose.
Yeah. She wanted to test him—she wanted the truth in his answer. ‘That too big a pill for you, Jack? Someone asking you for something?’
‘You’re not asking, you’re demanding. And your price is too high.’
So it was true that words were mightier than the sword—words could hurt in a way that physical wounds couldn’t. They could poison, and tear apart. She felt as if he’d just sliced her womb open—exposing her and her baby to extreme vulnerability.
His anger lifted. ‘You’d really rather I didn’t come back at all?’
Kelsi clung to the back of the dining chair, gripping it with both hands. Trying to breathe normally, not take the great gulps that would give her away—that would accelerate into sobs all too soon. Her brain strained to function, to protect herself and the tiny life inside her.
‘I have to go,’ he said too firmly. ‘I’m sorry, Kelsi.’
She’d heard those meaningless words before. She’d been let down so many times before. What was she going to tell her child? Sorry, honey, but Daddy was too busy getting his kicks flipping round mountains to call in. ‘There’s more to life than tricks and turns and casual sex.’
His muscles bunched. ‘This is my job. You have to understand that.’
She could tell this baby that until she was blue in the face but there was always, always that kernel inside that felt the rejection personally. The child would still know that it wasn’t a priority. That its father couldn’t be bothered—that his work was more important.
Rejection. There was nothing like it.
Kelsi knew the feeling all too well. And even though she had the most wonderful mother who had loved her and supported her—it was still there. There was still that kernel—the one grit of sand that rubbed a tiny spot raw.
Her father hadn’t wanted her. And had let her down again and again.
Just as Jack was letting this child down.
He wouldn’t change his lifestyle for it. Hotel rooms. A few months here. A few months there. Hell, he wouldn’t even be in Christchurch much. When he was in New Zealand he’d be at Karearea Lodge for the season. All this time fixing up the house hadn’t been for him. His interest in the kitchen design had just been a passing entertainment. The whole thing was simply another project—a job to get done a.s.a.p. so he could get back to the fun bits. Without her.
And she was such a fool. ‘What happened to shared custody?’ Her voice rose, wobbling. ‘What happened to you taking me to court and fighting me for your right to be a father?’
‘You were pushing me out, Kelsi. I had to say something. I had to keep you talking to me. I needed time.’
‘For what? To sleep with me some more while you sorted out the house and the money and stuff so then you could go on your merry way feeling like everything was just fabulous? Was this just another little challenge? Was I just another challenge?’
‘Kelsi, you’re not thinking rationally. You’re pregnant and you’re getting upset.’
‘Don’t you dare blame my getting upset on pregnancy hormones. You’re being a selfish jerk, Jack. Own up to it. And if you want out, then get out for good.’
‘No, you’re being unreasonable. What do you want from me?’ he shouted. ‘I’m working as hard as I can to fix this.’
He was throwing some money around and escaping.
‘And I’m having a baby,’ she shouted back. ‘But the timing sucks and you’re not the father my child needs. I wanted to give my child what I didn’t have. While my mother was fantastic, I know how hard she had to work, the sacrifices she made and what she missed out on because she had me so young and all on her own. I didn’t want to let her down by making the same mistake.’
‘You were not a mistake,’ Jack said quickly. ‘Our being together was not a mistake. Our child is not a mistake.’
‘No, but our continuing to have any kind of a relationship is.’ She slammed the chair into place beneath the table. ‘You’re walking out, Jack. You can’t cope with the idea of settling. Your pattern is fixed and it isn’t going to change and that’s fine. But I’m not putting my child in a position to have to deal with you popping in and out of its life like a jack-in-the-box.’ She looked up at him. ‘I know what it’s like to be let down time and time again.’ She straightened. ‘I won’t let you do it. I’m going to move out and make my own home for my baby.’
‘This is ridiculous Kelsi.’ His temper flared and he walked towards her. ‘Be honest. This isn’t even about the baby. You keep saying it is but it isn’t. This is about you. You’re mad because I’m leaving you.’
Of all the arrogant, cruel, utterly correct things to throw at her. She was furious. Yes, she’d fallen for him. He’d made her fall for him. She wanted him to be with her—to want to be with her. But she’d be damned if she was going to admit that. Not when he so clearly didn’t want her the same way.
‘Not at all, Jack,’ she said, her pride bursting out like New Year’s fireworks lighting the sky. ‘You can go any time you like. It doesn’t bother me.’
‘Really.’ He pulled up taut.
‘Of course,’ she said, her words brittle and bitchy. ‘This is just a fling. It’s always been fantasy sex. Physical attraction and all that. You know we’re not compatible in any other aspect.’
‘Really.’ Now he spoke with equally cool precision. ‘OK, so if this isn’t about you or about us, then it is about the baby. But are you sure you’re doing such a great job thinking about what will really be of benefit to our child?’
‘I’m the one putting this child first, Jack.’
&nbs
p; ‘You’re putting your own hang-ups first,’ he snapped. ‘I’m not like your father. I’m not lying—I’m not going to promise something I have no intention of following through on. I’ll always step up to my responsibilities but I will do it my way. Yes, a child needs security and consistency but it’s also important for him to see his parents happy and fulfilled and achieving their dreams. So the kid learns that it’s possible to make dreams come true.’
He walked towards her making his case—articulate, driven, compelling—and slicing the certainty from her.
‘So our child won’t have a dad in a conventional job or parents in a conventional relationship. So what? Why does that mean I have to be excluded completely from its life? You don’t think the kid might actually be proud of what I do?’