Kelsi folded her arms across her chest and pressed her hands deeper into her sides to stop the hurt escaping.
‘I have got a lot I can offer that child—much more than money. I can teach our child passion and in a few years it can travel with me. Imagine the unique experiences I can provide. It’d be a blast.’
She gulped to hold back her gasp—because that really hurt. That hurt more than anything. Because there’d been no mention—no hint even—of her travelling with him. Of her becoming involved in the one true passion of his life.
His mouth compressed at her lack of response. ‘I’m the one doing all the running here, Kelsi. I’ve put my job on hold for the last fortnight so I can sort you out a home and some security—financial and physical. I’m doing all I can to compromise. It’s about time you did, too.’
‘Two weeks, huh, Jack?’ Scorn poured from her. ‘How big of you to give it so long. I’m automatically landed with the next nine months. Think on that for a minute, why don’t you?’
Jack stalked to the door. ‘I won’t ever deny that you have the bigger burden, Kelsi. But nor will I let you deny all that I have to contribute as well.’
CHAPTER TWELVE
KELSI operated on sub-normal capacity all day. She’d have to catch up on work in the upcoming weekend again. Theoretically that was no problem, because by then she wouldn’t have anyone around to distract her.
But Jack was in her head distracting her now. His words repeated round and round, making her feel really, really bad. She hadn’t thought about the full implication of her threat, she’d just hit out because she was hurt.
If she was honest, she’d admit he had a point. He’d been doing everything he could, while she’d stropped around all preoccupied by her insecurities and yearnings for him. She’d protested she was trying to protect her child, but it was all about protecting herself. Her need to carve him from her life was purely for self-preservation. But the baby didn’t deserve to miss out on all the good things he had to offer. Lots of people had all kinds of co-parenting arrangements that worked beautifully. She was just going to have to toughen up and get over wanting so much more from him.
But oh, it hurt. How deeply she’d fallen for him. How sky-high her dreams had travelled. They crashed now.
She got home and to her relief he wasn’t there. But his presence, his force of will, was evident everywhere—and his incredible productivity. The downstairs flats had been gutted and the space opened up so the skeleton—and flaws—could be seen. They just had to fix up all the failings and finalise the design of the rebuild. He’d been attentive to her physical security on other levels, too, cooking her dinner night after night, breakfast in the morning. All this while still driven in his own rehab exercise regime. There weren’t any wild nights on the town or millions of women. There was only consistent effort—from him. Getting the job done so he could get back to the good bits.
And was that so bad of him? Was it wrong to be so determined to fulfil his dreams and ambitions? People had to be driven to achieve and the world needed achievers in all kinds of disciplines. He’d learned the lesson from his father’s choices—that he had to prioritise. And in his chosen field there was a time limit. Could she really expect him to give that up?
No. And she didn’t want to either.
But maybe it was time for her to think about her own dreams, too—for her own career, for her own longing to travel. Couldn’t she do that, too?
She walked outside and looked at Jack’s makeshift skate park. The man knew how to make the most out of every inch of space and of every moment.
She definitely wanted her child to grow up believing dreams were attainable—its own dreams, not those put upon it by parents. And maybe Jack was right—maybe it was work ones that mattered, not relationships. If that meant her baby saw her set up her own web design company, then great. And if it meant standing on the side of a mountain and watching Jack hurtle down it faster than the speed of light, then so be it.
But the streaming ideas didn’t fix the glitch in her heart. Yes, she could start up her own company. Yes, she could travel. But, fool that she was, she wanted to do all that with him. Yet that wasn’t an option that had even crossed his mind.
So while she’d teach her baby about following its dreams, she’d give it a base, too—the home and security she knew were so necessary. They might not be for Jack, but they were for most normal people.
She heard movement outside and glanced out of the window. He was home. She steeled herself. She could suck it up. And she had to start now.
She went down to the yard. He was riding, sending his board sliding across the planks he’d positioned on some make-you-wince angle.
‘I was a cow. A complete cow.’ She just said it. ‘I’m really sorry.’
He jumped off the board and looked at her.
‘You’re right. You’ve got to go. It’s your job. I’ll be fine. This place is going to be fantastic and please understand I do appreciate it. Not having to worry about a home and money is such a big thing, Jack. It really is.’
He ruffled his hair, his hand spread wide as he mussed it up.
‘I’ll be fine while you’re gone and I’ll be here when you get back. I was really childish saying I was going to move and shut you out.’ She swallowed up all the humble pie. ‘You were right, I wasn’t thinking about what’s best for the baby. I know you won’t be like my dad.’
Her heart ached as she said it. He wouldn’t be—she knew that in the times that he was around, Jack would be an awesome, involved, super-fun dad. She was just sad he wasn’t going to be around all the time. But permanence didn’t seem to be in Jack’s make-up. He needed to keep on the move, always striving for something just out of reach. She glanced up to check his reaction. He looked as sombre as she felt.
‘We can make it work,’ she said, trying to sound sure of it.
‘OK,’ he said quietly. ‘Thank you.’
She blinked.
‘What about us?’ he asked, moving closer to the jump between them.
Well, he hadn’t exactly mentioned ‘them’ when he’d dropped the ‘I’m flying out on Friday’ bombshell. But that was the point—there wasn’t ‘them’. ‘You were right about that, too. It isn’t about us. It’s about the baby.’
He paused. ‘I do like you, Kelsi. I like you a lot.’
Yeah, this was where it got messy again. ‘I like you, too,’ she said quickly. ‘And we can be friends, Jack. I know we can be friends.’ They could make it all work. But the lovers bit of it wasn’t ever meant to last—Jack didn’t do relationships like that. Really, his going away was a good thing—it gave her time to try to get over him.
He walked over the raised plank with an easy gait. ‘So.’ His voice lowered and he looked rueful. ‘That’s it, then.’
‘Yeah,’ she said, her voice a mere thread. ‘Don’t you think?’
For a moment it was there between them—the awareness almost visible. Complicating it again had been the dumbest thing they’d done. But he’d been right about that, too—she couldn’t regret it. It had been the experience of a lifetime.
Now she wanted to keep the memories pure. Keep them filled with the sense of fun and freedom—and
keep that special boost to her personal confidence. He really had wanted her. And, even though he wanted other things more, it had still been wonderful of him.
But she couldn’t do a last kiss or a last lust moment. No way could she enjoy it if she knew it was the last. No way could her fragile heart handle the finality.
‘You’re right.’ He nodded, moving away to retrieve his skateboard.
‘I’m going to get a takeaway for dinner tonight,’ she said. ‘I really fancy a curry.’
‘Sure.’ He nodded. ‘I’ve got some people I need to see before I go tomorrow.’
They understood each other, then. No dinner in her flat together. No more time alone. The decisions had been made and agreement reached.
She actually did get a takeaway—for fear he’d notice if she didn’t. He was too observant when it came to her eating and sleeping and general welfare. And he actually did go out, too. She lay awake until she heard him get back. She lay awake the rest of the night, too, watching the sky slowly lighten on the day of his departure.
She nibbled on the corner of a plain cracker for breakfast but didn’t manage anything more than that. Her nerves were shredded. The sooner she got today over with, the better. So she got ready for work early and then knocked on his door. He opened it immediately—as if he’d been waiting just the other side of it. Fully dressed and clearly ready to go.
‘What time is your flight?’ She stepped back on the landing, trying to keep it together.
‘Mid-morning. Connection to Auckland first.’
She nodded.
‘Alice is coming in first thing and I’ll get the paperwork done giving you final authority and access to the charge account. Have whatever you want.’
‘Thanks,’ she muttered. But this house was going to be so empty without him—no matter how beautiful she made it or how many things she crammed into it, the void would be huge.
‘You take care of yourself.’ His blue eyes penetrated—all concern. ‘Make sure you eat well.’
‘I promise. I’ll take good care of both of us.’
He nodded but didn’t relax. In fact his body went rigid. His hand fisted and he thrust it into his jeans pocket. ‘Don’t be mad with me.’ His jaw muscles clenched. ‘But I made you an appointment already.’