Porter (Men of Lovibond 3)

“I’m lying down because I don’t feel well. I was thinking I might take a nap.”

She comes into my bedroom and sits on the bed beside me. “You sound congested. Do you have a headache?”

“Yes.”

“Let me bring you some medicine to help with that. It’ll help you sleep.”

I won’t turn down something that will help me forget about this mess. “That would be great.”

My mom returns with a glass of water and two large gelcaps and flips on my bedroom light. “Well, Frankee. I think you’re getting sick. Your eyes are red and swollen.” She touches the top of her hand to my forehead. “But you don’t have fever.”

“Probably just cold and sinus stuff.”

“You’ve been working a lot lately. Your body probably needs some rest. This will knock you out for at least eight hours.”

“Thanks.”

“Can I get you anything else?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Okay. I’ll poke my head in later to check on you.”

I’m waiting for sleep to claim me when my phone vibrates.

Porter: You never responded to my texts.

Porter: I’m worried.

Porter: Are you ok?

Frankee: No. I’m not ok.

Porter: I’m coming over.

Frankee: Don’t.

Porter: I don’t want to be apart when you’re not ok.

Frankee: I need you to stay away. That’s what I need right now.

Porter: We should be together.

Porter: Figuring this out.

Frankee: No.

Frankee: I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Frankee: I’m going to sleep.

Porter: Ok. I’ll leave you alone.

Porter: For now.

Porter: I love you, baby.

Porter: So much.

I love him with every piece of my shattered heart, but I still can’t bring myself to tell him right now. It feels too much like saying that this is going to be okay.

I don’t know if it was the medication or state of mind, but my night was nothing more than restless cycles of sleep, nightmares, and waking. Same pattern over and over all night long. Exhausting.

I wake to texts from Porter.

Porter: Checking on you.

Porter: Please text back so I know you’re ok.

Porter: Frankee?

Porter: Please answer me.

He’s sent four texts over the last two hours. I was so dead to the world that I didn’t hear my phone once.

Frankee: I’m fine.

Frankee: As fine as I can be.

Porter: Thank you for texting back.

Porter: I’m going to back off and give you the time you want.

Porter: But please let me know if you need anything.

Porter: Anything at all. Ask and it’s yours.

Porter: I love you.

I withheld my love from Porter yesterday and last night because I was angry and in pain. I used it as a way to punish him. But he’s hurting and in pain too. He hates this as much as me. Probably more.

This situation is far from being okay, but my love for Porter hasn’t changed. And I don’t want him thinking it has.

Frankee: I love you too.

Porter: You don’t know how badly I needed you to say that.

There’s a soft tap at my door before my mom opens it. “Hey. Feeling better?”

“Yes.” No. I feel just as shitty today as I did last night.

“Do you need anything? I can make you some breakfast if you’re hungry.”

“I don’t think I can eat.”

“Are you staying home from work?”

Mom and Dad don’t know I got the full-time graphic and marketing position at Lovibond. And I’m keeping it that way until I figure out this situation. “Porter has given me the rest of the week off.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I finished my jobs ahead of time, so he told me to take off.” I hate lying to my mom but I’m not ready to tell her what’s going on.

“Toni is having some trouble with her babysitter. She’s already lost two days’ work this week because of it. She called your dad this morning, and she’s going to be out today too. It might be nice if you offered to keep Willow and Keeley for her since you’re free.”

Toni works with my dad in the warehouse. We’re about the same age but our lives couldn’t be more different. She’s raising two little girls on her own because her husband is in jail.

“I can keep the girls the rest of the week.” All I’m going to do is sit here and wallow in misery anyway. I might as well do something to take my mind off this shitty situation.

“I know Toni will be happy to hear that. And your dad too.”

“She probably needs me to pick them up so she isn’t late.”

“You could offer to get them at the brewery instead of driving out to her house. That would be faster for both of you.”

“I can do that.”

“Your dad will call her. What time do you want to tell her you’ll be there?”

“Ten ‘til.”

I get to the brewery a few minutes early. I park facing the entrance so I don’t miss seeing Toni when she arrives. Which means I also don’t miss seeing Porter either.

Damn. He looks good in those jeans and that T-shirt, getting out of that big black truck.

I’m not in my usual parking place so he doesn’t spot me. I get to take full advantage of watching him from afar.

Toni is running a little late. I suspect that’s nothing unusual with two little ones. “I’m so sorry I’m late. I hope you haven’t been waiting on me for long.”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

It’s only a few minutes until she needs to clock in, so I get out and help her transfer the kids into my car. I lift Keeley out of her car seat. “Oooh, when did you get so big, Kiki?”

Willow gets out of her booster seat and runs over to squeeze my leg. “I’ve missed you, Frankee.”

“I know. I haven’t seen you in a long time. I’m so happy you’re going to stay with me the next few days.”

“You don’t know what a lifesaver you are.”

“Happy to help. Now go on and clock in before you’re late. I know how to buckle the girls.

”

“Thank you so much.” Toni quickly kisses her daughters. “I’ll see you after work. Be good for Frankee.”

Keeping Willow and Keeley the last three days has been a nice distraction from my fixation about Porter and… baby mama. Damn. I don’t even know that woman’s name.

But I lie in the bed every night thinking of him. And how much I miss him. How much I miss his touch. How much I miss making love.

I don’t feel whole without him.

I’ve thought of every scenario. Reflected about it. Considered the aftermath. And every outcome is the same.

Watching this woman grow with his child will be painful. Having her in our lives forever will be a struggle. Being a stepmother to this child will be hard.

Going through this with Porter will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured. But living without him will be harder. I don’t want to live without him.

If this baby is part of his life, then this baby is part of my life.

And that’s all.

Frankee: I’m ready to talk.

Porter: Meet at my place?

Frankee: Ok. What time?

Porter: I have a few things to finish before I can leave. 7:00 ok?

Frankee: I’ll be there.

Frankee: I can come early and cook dinner if you want.

Porter: I would love that.

Frankee: See you then.

Porter: I love you.

Frankee: Love you too.

I feel good about this decision. It feels right.

I’m dipping a chicken tender into an egg wash when the doorbell rings. “Hang on a minute,” I call out.

I do a quick handwashing and go to the door, drying my hands on a towel. My heart jumps into my throat when I see it’s her. Baby mama.

A woman has many looks. She can be casual. She can be stylish. She can be somewhere middle of the road. But she can also show intention with the way she’s dressed. And this woman is here with one intention in mind: to fuck.

Everything from the way her hair is styled down to her fuck-me pumps says so.