Cassie remained silent, so he continued.
“Waited a year or so after Ry was born, hopin’ maybe I could feel somethin’ for her. That maybe somethin’ would grow. It didn’t and I couldn’t. Began lookin’ elsewhere to get my needs met because I wasn’t gettin’ them at home.”
Cassie tensed against him. “You cheated.”
“Technically, yeah. Was young, not dead, so yeah, found it elsewhere, but came home every night to my kid. He was the only thing good that came out of fuckin’ that scheming bitch. Ry was the only reason to stay. Shoulda left before that, then maybe I’d still have my son. But I didn’t. Figured stickin’ around and just fuckin’ around was better for him than leavin’ his mother. I was really fuckin’ wrong.”
“How did she find out?”
He stared up at the ceiling. “When I wasn’t home, the woman I was fuckin’ on the side decided to come knockin’ on our door to introduce herself.”
“Guess that didn’t go well.”
“Bingo. Jen fuckin’ clocked the woman in the face and knocked her out. When I got home, unaware of what I was walkin’ into, got kicked in the fuckin’ nuts, found all my shit burned in the backyard and their bags packed. If she couldn’t have me, she thought nobody else should, either. She stayed with her parents ‘til the divorce, ‘til custody was set.”
So far, Cassie hadn’t kicked him out of her bed, so until she did, he was going to keep talking, lay it all out. Let her form her own opinion about him.
He wouldn’t make excuses.
Jen fucked up. He fucked up.
His kid suffered because of it.
“Funny how my cheatin’ was the final straw for her, not the loveless, sexless marriage we were sufferin’ through.”
“Maybe she loved you. Why else would she trap you?”
“Truth? Think she’s got mental issues. Didn’t know it when I was fuckin’ her ‘cause I never stuck around long enough to notice. But after Ry was born, and we were livin’ together, started to see signs. She was never diagnosed so I ain’t sure. Never was violent or did anythin’ too crazy where I could force her to see someone but had my suspicions. Somethin’ was off, just couldn’t put a finger on it. My priority was Ry. Problem was, she used my cheatin’ against me in the divorce and custody case. ‘Cause of that, got visitation but not any kinda custody, which was bullshit. Have a feelin’ I got fucked there, too. Thinkin’ her father, or someone she knew, had some sorta connection with the judge. ‘Cause not only did I not get custody, that fuckin’ judge allowed her to take him outta state. She went to the west coast and took my son with her. So, there went the fuckin’ visitation I fought for. She claimed she had family out there and Ry would be raised around cousins and shit. Fuck bein’ raised by his father, though, right? Cousins were more important?” His jaw tightened. “Fuck her. She didn’t even think twice about rippin’ my heart right out of my fuckin’ chest and crushin’ it under her goddamn heel. Hated her so fuckin’ bad, had to force myself not to fuckin’ kill her. Because, believe me, it was close. Me endin’ up in prison wasn’t gonna help my son and I swore to never follow in my father’s footsteps like that.”
Though, in some ways he had. With the club and his spot within the club. But he would do everything he could to stay out of prison. He didn’t want Ry to lose his father the same way Judge lost his.
“But you could still see him, right? You were awarded visitation whether he was in PA or not. Am I wrong about that?”
“Never flew on a goddamn plane in my fuckin’ life. Never wanted to. And for me to drive across the country a couple times a year...” He sucked air in through his nostrils. “Did it once. Took almost a week on my sled. She knew I was comin’ ‘cause it was planned and when I finally got out there... She left. Just fuckin’ left.” He could feel his blood pressure rising as he remembered that day. It might have been years ago, but it still felt like yesterday.
“Please tell me it was for an emergency of some sort and not on purpose.”
It had taken everything he had not to fall to his knees on that porch and just lose his mind. He sat there for hours, hoping it had been a misunderstanding.
Deep down he knew it wasn’t. That she’d done it on purpose.
If his son hadn’t lived in that house, he would’ve burned it to the ground. But he refused to lower himself to her level. He had to convince himself to be the better person.
But sitting there alone, he’d gone through every fucking emotion a person could have.