The Artemis Fowl Files (Artemis Fowl 0.50)

“Stop talking, please. Lie flat on the ground with your hands behind your head. You know the position.”

Turnball did not lie down, instead he stood slowly, talking seductively all the time. “This doesn’t have to be the end. Just let me go. I’ll be out of your life forever. You’ll never hear from me again, I swear it. This whole thing was a mistake, I see that now. I regret it, sincerely.”

Root’s energy was returning, bolstering his resolve. “Shut up, Turnball, or so help me I will blast you where you stand.”

Turnball smiled easily. “You can’t kill me: we’re family.”

“I don’t have to kill you, just knock you out. Now look into my eyes and tell me I wouldn’t do that.”

Turnball searched his brother’s eyes and found the truth there. “I can’t go to prison, brother. I’m not a common criminal. Prison would make me run of the mill.”

In a flash, Turnball reached into his pocket for the tiny mesh cage. He released the bolt and swallowed the spider. “There was an old man who swallowed a spider,” he said, and then; “Good-bye, brother.”

Root crossed the ruined kitchen in three paces. He ripped open a fallen cupboard, searching among the foodstuffs. He grabbed a jar of instant coffee and spun the lid off. In two more paces he was kneeling beside his fallen brother, forcing handfuls of coffee grains down his throat.

“It’s not going to be that easy, Turnball. You are a common criminal, and you will go to jail like one.”

After a moment Turnball stopped jerking. The spider was dead. The old elf was hurt, but alive. Root quickly zipped him up in a pair of cuffs, then hurried to Trouble’s side.

The captain was already sitting up. “No offence, Commander, but your brother hits like a pixie.”

Root nearly smiled. “Lucky for you, Captain.”

Holly rushed down the garden path, through what had once been a parlor, and into the kitchen.

“Is everything all right?”

Root had had an unusually stressful day, and unfortunately Holly caught some of the overspill.

“No, Short, everything is not all right,” he barked, brushing dust from his lapels. “My exercise has been hijacked by a notorious criminal, my captain has allowed himself to be tied up like a prize pig, and you have disobeyed a direct order and flown a shuttle. This means that our entire case is blown.”

“Just this case,” said Trouble. “He still has several lifetimes to serve for past crimes.”

“That is beside the point,” continued Root, unrelenting. “I cannot trust you, Short. You saved us, it’s true, but Recon is all about stealth, and you are not a stealthy fairy. It might seem unreasonable after all you’ve done, but I’m afraid there is no place for you in my squad.”

“Commander,” objected Trouble. “You can’t flunk the girl after all this. If it wasn’t for her I’d be biodegrading right now.”

“This is not your decision, Captain. Nor is it your fight. This squadron is all about trust, and Corporal Short did not earn mine.”

Trouble was flabbergasted. “Pardon me, sir, but you haven’t given her a fair chance.”

Root glanced sharply at his officer. Trouble was one of his best fairies, and he was putting his neck on the block for this girl.

“Very well, Short. If you can do anything to change my mind, now is your chance. Your only chance. Well, can you do anything?”

Holly looked at Trouble, and she could have sworn that he winked at her. This gave her the courage to do something unthinkable, ridiculously impertinent, and insubordinate given the circumstances.

“Just this, Commander,” she said.

Holly drew her paintball pistol and shot Commander Julius Root three times in the chest. The impact knocked him back a step.

“‘You tag me before I tag you, and you’re in,’” mumbled Holly. “No questions asked.”

Trouble laughed until he threw up. Literally. The magic sickness had left him nauseous. “Oh gods,” he panted. “She got you there, Julius. That’s what you said. That’s what you’ve been saying for the past hundred years.”

Root ran a finger through the congealing paint on his chest plate.

Holly stared at her toes, convinced that she was about to be slung out of the force altogether. To the left, Turnball was calling for his lawyer. Flocks of protected birds were whirling overhead, and out in the fields Unix and Bobb would be wondering what had hit

them.

Holly finally risked an upward glance. The commander’s features were twisted with conflicting emotions. Anger was in there, and disbelief too. And maybe, just maybe, a touch of admiration.

“You did tag me,” he said finally.

“That’s right,” agreed Trouble. “She did.”

“And I did say . ..”

“You certainly did.”

Root rounded on Trouble. “What are you? A parrot? Will you shut your trap? I’m trying to swallow my pride here.” Trouble locked his lips, throwing away the imaginary key.

“This is going to cost the department a fortune, Short. We’re going to have to rebuild here, or generate a localized tidal wave to cover the damage. That’s six months of my budget right there.”

“I know, sir,” said Holly humbly. “Sorry, sir.”

Root drew out his wallet, taking a set of silver acorns from a compartment. He tossed them to Holly, who almost missed the catch in her surprise.

“Put them on. Welcome to Recon.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Holly, clipping the insignia to her lapel. It caught the rising sun and flashed like a satellite.

“The first female in Recon,” groaned the commander.

Holly lowered her face to hide a grin that she couldn’t contain.

“You’re going to wash out in six months,” continued Root, “and probably cost me a fortune.”

He was wrong about the first, but right about the second.

ELVES

Distinguishing features:

About three feet tall

Pointy ears

Brown skin

Red hair

Character:

Intelligent

Strong sense of right and wrong

Very loyal

Sarcastic sense of humor, although that might just be characteristic of one particular female LEP officer

Loves:

Flying, either in a craft or with wings

Situations to avoid:

They really don’t like it if you kidnap them and take their gold.

There are many different types of fairy and, with each one, it’s important to know what you are dealing with. This is just some of the information collected by Artemis Fowl during his adventures. It is confidential and must not fall into the wrong hands. The future of the People depends on it.