Nikola sat up and hugged Anne. “I love you, Grandmama. I’ll support you in your decision.”
Anne hugged her back. “I love you, too, sweetie. More than words can say.”
We consoled Nikola as she continued to sob. Tears fell down Anne’s face as we tried to come to terms with the hand life had dealt us.
I lay awake and stared at the ceiling as Nikola slept in the crook of my arm. Last night had been a shift of emotions, from one extreme to another. We’d stayed at Anne’s, and one minute, Nikola was angry, the next sad, and the next a blank slate. I’d been there for her but was at a loss. There was nothing I could do. I wasn’t sure what she needed.
Everything I thought of felt hopeless and I wanted to tune it out long enough to get my thoughts together. I heard some pots and pans shuffling in the kitchen. Nikola turned, and I brought the bedspread up to cover her. I slipped out, put on my sweatpants, and pulled a long-sleeved tee over my head.
As I went to the kitchen to talk to Anne, Nikola’s words from last night haunted me between sobs.
“Brandt, she’ll never be part of my life or know where I end up. See me married and happy. She’ll never know if I have kids or if I’m a good mother. She’ll never know. Who will I go to when I need help? Who will I go to when I don’t know what to do? Grandmama won’t be there. My heart is breaking, Brandt. My heart is breaking.”
I gently closed the bedroom door and padded toward the kitchen. Anne had flour, shortening, butter, and milk on the counter. She was making biscuits and was already dressed for the day in jeans and a pale pink sweater.
She turned my way. “Good morning. How’s Nikola?”
I went to the coffeepot and poured myself a cup of black coffee. The more caffeine, the better at this point. Taking a spot next to Anne at the bar, I leaned against the counter and took a sip. This was the first time we’d been alone since finding out about the cancer.
“It’s difficult to come to grips with a truth we don’t want to accept or believe. Nikola is a fighter, and it’s hard for her to sit back and not try.”
Anne began mixing up the ingredients, like she had a million times before. “I know. Going through this and accepting what’s to come…well, it’s easier knowing she has you again. Nikola is tough, but she needs to be loved.” Anne paused and pressed her lips together before she continued speaking. “I wish I was going to be there to be part of all those special moments in her life. That’s the hardest thing about all this—knowing I won’t be there with her.”
We stood in silence as more pressure built in my mind.
“Brandt, I don’t think I’ll be here by the time summer comes.”
I was stunned, nearly dropping my coffee cup. Finally, I said, “I’m going to hope for the best, Anne. I’m going to hope for the best.”
For some reason, I’d imagined at least a year—not a few months. My mind was going in a million directions and I needed to get control over it, think everything through.
“Do you think I made the right decision or that I’m being selfish?”
Anne’s question floored me. I tried to put myself in her position. What would I do? It didn’t take long. “Anne, I think people make the right decisions for themselves. There wasn’t a good decision in all this. There’s only the decision you think is right.”
A sleepy voice from the doorway spoke. “I think you made the right choice, even though I want to fight. But if it means suffering, I don’t want that for you, either.”
Anne went to hug Nikola at the doorway and they held on to each other tight. I knew Nikola hadn’t heard the comment about Anne not being here come summer. If she had, she wouldn’t be as together as she was now. I tried to remain calm, but I was a jittery mess on the inside. I needed to talk to Quentin right away.
IT WAS MID-MORNING, and Brandt had gone into town to see Quentin. He seemed on edge. At some point, I hoped I could meet his sponsor. Eventually, I’d ask. There was so much going on now, and it didn’t feel like a good time. I also thought it was important for Brandt to have his safe place to go to when he needed to talk. People had talked in group about how some addicts liked their sponsor to be a safe place, separate from loved ones. As long as Brandt was doing well, that’s all that mattered.
I was alone with Grandmama in her sewing room as she worked on the red vests. The comforting sound of the sewing machine gave me a temporary peace. Grandmama stopped and swiveled her chair to face me.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
My jaw tightened as I tried to keep my emotions in check. I needed to be strong. “Are you scared?”
Grandmama got up, adjusting her pale-pink sweater, and sat on the edge of the daybed. A slight drizzle began outside.
“I’m scared of the unknown and of leaving you. But death is a part of life. I’m grateful for being blessed with a wonderful marriage with your grandfather. I’m grateful for my son and that he brought me you. You and I have always been connected in a way people don’t understand, even when you were a baby. I’m grateful we can prepare ourselves and treasure the time we do have. Do you remember when your dad moved you to Arkansas on business?”
I nodded.
“When my time comes, it’ll be like I’ve moved. We’ll have our dreams. We’ll have the sunsets and the sunrises we’ll both be able to see. We’ll always be connected.”
Blinking a few times, I kept the tears at bay. “I love you.”
“I love you, too, sweetie. There’s something else I want to talk about.”
I hesitantly responded, “Okay.”
Grandmama patted my leg and picked off a piece of fuzz that had stuck to my sock. “I don’t want you to stop living your life, Nikola. I want you to come around, but don’t put you and Brandt on hold for me. You two are both still finding your way, and it’s important that you guys don’t put that on the back burner.”
“I’ll try, but it’s hard to not want to stop everything and be here every second.” The thought of leaving this house was hard when all I wanted to do was stay.
She patted my leg. “I know, Nikola, but you can’t. I plan on living life the same until I have to change what I’m doing. There will be plenty of time for you to take care of me. Please, reschedule dinner with Brandt’s mom. Don’t put that off. She was like a mother to you. Also, I want you to go to Brandt’s place tonight to spend some time with him, alone. Promise me.”
“I promise.” I grabbed my phone from my pocket and she smiled. “Do you think it’s bad Brandt and I have gotten back together so fast?”
She thought about it, taking her seat at the chair. “When it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. I don’t think you can put a timer on it. Despite the time apart, you and Brandt have a strong history that’s full of love. I think
what you’ve gone through has only strengthened what you have.”
“I feel the same way.”
Grandmama swiveled back to face the wall. The sewing machine started again.
I texted Brandt.
Me: Hey, I still want to do lunch or dinner with your mom this week. I’d also like to go to your place tonight if that’s okay.
Brandt: Okay, I’ll text Mum. She’ll love that. Only if you’re sure about coming to my place. I’ll pick you up in a few hours if that sounds good. As long as I’m with you, I don’t care where we are.
Me: I want to. I can’t wait to see her again.
“I’m going to make a sandwich. Do you want anything, Grandmama?”
She continued to sew, saying, “No, I’m good.”
I made my way down the hallway. Her words made me feel better, and the horrible situation didn’t feel as dismal as it really was. Pulling out the bread, ham, lettuce, tomato, and mayo, I started making my lunch as my phone rang.
I answered without looking, “Hello, this is Nikola.”
A warm voice came on the other end. “Hello, Nikola. It’s Gavin England. I received Ainsley’s e-mail, and I wanted to let you know how sorry I was to hear about your grandmother.”
“Thank you, Gavin. I appreciate it. It won’t affect the deadlines or my work, I wanted to assure you of that.” I discarded my lunch-making efforts and tried to focus, not knowing if the account was in trouble.
“Nikola, I know that. I’ve seen your work, and you’re brilliant. Once we get through this project, we’re going to have to celebrate. A night on me. You and Ainsley can bring your significant others and I’ll bring my girlfriend. I believe we’re going to make a difference, and I’ll have you to thank for that.”
Gavin was a gentleman and had been on every call. He was one of the most polished businessmen I’d dealt with in business.
“Thank you, Gavin. That sounds great.”
“Wonderful, Nikola. I’ll review the e-mail and get back to you on challenges.”