She’d seen it.
She’d seen what I had.
“Shit, already you’re in deep.” She kept whispering.
I shook my head, but this was meaningless denial.
I knew.
I knew with the intensity my insides were burning that she was right.
I was already in deep.
I liked him.
I liked Buck.
I liked him more than as my protector, a good guy, the guy who was taking care of me, the guy who was good in bed, who made me smile. The guy who had my back.
I liked him.
He kissed my nose.
I that kind of liked him.
While I was coming to this realization, Minnie shouted, “Lorie!”
I kept shaking my head.
“No, no. See, we haven’t known each other for even a week.” As mentioned, this was true. We hadn’t. “We haven’t made vows of love and fidelity to the end of time.” This was true too. We hadn’t. “I’m staying with him because I have to. I’m not safe. He said when I’m safe I can find my own space. I don’t have any hold on him. He can kiss who he wants.”
That was true too.
It was true, but it stunk.
Minnie kept staring at me as I heard the clickety-clack of Lorie and Pinky hurrying up to us. I turned to see Driver close behind.
“Driver, hon, girl shit,” Minnie told him and then looked at Lorie. “Buck’s out there and Nails has got her tongue down his throat.”
Pinky gasped.
Lorie tensed.
Driver turned swiftly around and walked the other way.
Lorie’s arm slid around my waist while she started, “Clary, hon—”
I pulled away from her, still shaking my head.
“No, I’m okay. Seriously. This isn’t a big deal. It really isn’t.”
This was not true.
It was a big deal.
It shouldn’t be.
I spoke no lies. I had no claim on him. We hadn’t sworn fidelity. We hadn’t even known each other for a week.
But this hurt.
It hurt on so many levels, I couldn’t categorize them all.
It hurt because he knew I’d be there any minute and he obviously didn’t intend to hide the fact that he had others, not only me.
It hurt because Rogan and I had it good, we had it great, and still, he couldn’t keep his hands off other women knowing the promise of me was waiting at home.
Buck hadn’t been able to have his hit off me, but obviously the promise of me for Buck, too, wasn’t worth the wait.
Lorie, Pinky, and Minnie studied me, and I got the impression they knew I was lying.
I found this was true when Minnie muttered, “Look at her. She’s in deep. We gotta give it to her straight.”
Oh no.
I didn’t want it straight.
And from the looks on their faces, I really didn’t want it straight.
“No, I’m okay,” I stated. “Just, maybe, one of you can go out there first. Tell him I’m here. While you do that, I’ll browse Ace.”
And I could browse Ace.
I was an experienced shopper, though not at home improvement stores.
However, there had to be thirty aisles in there. I could find something to feign interest in.
Lorie shook her head.
“You need to know now, honey. Later…” She paused then said softly, “Finding out later won’t be too good.”
I didn’t want to know now, and I opened my mouth to say something when Pinky spoke.
“Nails, I get. Buck, totally uncool.”
I turned my attention to her to see she was staring at the door and quiet, maybe-shy Pinky looked kind of mad.
“Our men are not like other men,” Lorie went on, ignoring Pinky, and my attention shifted to her. “They are what they are. They are where they are because they are what they are. And they’re with others who are like they are.”
I wasn’t keeping up with her because I could still feel the burn inside and my heart had begun to hurt.
But I decided to focus on Lorie because focusing on her could take my focus off the pain.
“They don’t like rules, so much they don’t live by them,” she continued. “Not the ones out there in the other world. They got a different set of rules, one they can live with. Out there,” she swung out her arm, “the rulebook’s got a lot of pages. Here,” she pointed to the floor, “it’s only a few lines.”
“Okay,” I whispered, even though I didn’t really understand.
“What she’s sayin’ is…” Minnie got closer. “They do what they wanna do when they wanna do it with who they wanna do it. You’re his woman, babe, you gotta know that’s the way and you gotta keep your mouth shut and put up with it. You do not give him shit, even if he comes home smellin’ of her. You just keep your mouth shut.”
Oh God.
This could not be.
And further, it could not be for me.
This had happened to me before, repeatedly, even if I didn’t know it until later.
I couldn’t go through life knowing it was happening while it was happening.