“Leave!” I addressed the nurses who were still in the room and waited for them to follow my order before climbing onto the bed with her again.
I thought I was ready for this, but now that she was awake and ready to talk I felt almost sick. My heart beat in an erratic way and my chest tightened.
I knew what I was afraid of. All the horrors that had played out in my head in these last few years came to mind and I wasn’t sure I could take it if she told me that even a fraction of them were true.
But there was no way to hide from the truth and it wasn’t fair to her. If she had to live through it, the least I can do now as her husband is listen and help her carry some of the burden.
I closed my eyes and pulled her into my arms with her head on my chest. Taking a few deep breaths, I ran my hand soothingly up and down her back and shoulders while speaking to her softly, calmly.
Fierce sobs wracked her body as she fisted my shirt in her little hand. “Please don’t cry anymore baby, you’re breaking my heart.” I never could handle her tears.
She repeated her earlier words forcefully as if trying to convince me. “I didn’t leave you.”
“Then what happened, tell me so I can understand.”
“I don’t know, I can’t remember. I only remember answering the door that day and then I woke up in a strange place.” She started to shake and I swallowed my frustration.
How could that be? How could she not know anything more than that? How was I supposed to find out what happened if she couldn’t give me any more than that?
“Do you…do you remember giving birth?” She squeezed my hand hard and choked on her tears and I was afraid I’d pushed her too far too fast. “I…the babies, they took them.”
“Babies?” She scrunched up her face as if trying to remember and I wanted to push her but the doctor had warned earlier that that wasn’t a good idea, it may do more harm than good.
“Tell me everything you remember.” When she hesitated I wasn’t sure what to believe. The woman I knew was not capable of this, but I had no answers and she didn’t seem able to give me any. “You don’t believe me.”
“I didn’t say that.” Please don’t let me hurt her with my impatience. As hard as it was for me not having any answers, it must be hell for her as well if she truly didn’t remember anything.
“I know you. You think I did this.” She tried pulling her hand out of mine, and turning away from me but I held on. “No!” Her stubborn ass, how could I forget?
“It’s not that I don’t believe you, but you have to give me time. This is hitting me all at once and I don’t know which way to turn.”
“You can try believing me, you think this is easy for me?”
“No I don’t think it is, but if you don’t have any answers then we’re right back where we started.”
“Why didn’t you come for me?” She sounded hurt, like she really believed that I’d gone on with my life without giving her a second thought.
I bit back the sharp words on my tongue and wondered how the hell we’d jumped right back into the fray. We used to butt heads like crazy because we’re both strong headed and opinionated. But this was not the time.
“Now who’s being unreasonable? Do you really think I didn’t look for you? I searched everywhere, the police searched everywhere. I even hired someone, but we found nothing. You were just gone.” I held her tighter as if afraid she’d disappear from my arms.
“I went through hell the first few months when there was no trail. I had to deal with being the number one suspect while looking for you every waking moment.”
I tried to restrain the anger in my voice because I didn’t want her to misunderstand. Yes I’m angry but not at her.
There had been times in the past when I might have felt a little angry at her for leaving me. But my love for her wouldn’t allow me to hold onto that anger for long.
I calmed myself and tried to relax the tension in my body. As well as I know her, I knew that she knew me too. She’d already misunderstood my anger, I didn’t want to hurt her anymore.
Cade
Once I had myself under control I rolled her to her back with my arm still around her and leaned over her, caging her in. I remember she always said it made her feel safe when I held her like this. Like I was shielding her from the rest of the world.