When you know, you know.
I just need her to know.
She scratches her head, right at the base of her bonnet, and says, “I don’t know, Kirby. I wasn’t good at it in that guy’s opinion, so I decided to be good at what I am good at, being driven in my career. But then seeing Aviva and how happy she is, I want that. I want to be happy in love.”
Something moves in my chest, and my lip quirks. “If I know one thing, Counselor, it’s that when you want something, you make it happen. I think you need to trust yourself—and me—and do what you do best. Succeed.”
Her shoulders fall at the same time her lips curve. “You are dreamy.”
I chuckle. “Just for you, sweetheart.”
She nods. “I need to admit something.”
“Okay?”
To my surprise, I’m not scared. I don’t even jump to conclusions; I just get lost in her eyes.
“When I left the other day, it wasn’t just because you were tired. It was because I don’t sleep at men’s houses.”
I blink. “Oh. Ever?”
“Never.”
“Why?”
She swallows hard. “Um, I used to. With this guy, and um, you know what?”
“What?”
“I feel like this is a conversation we need to have face-to-face, but please trust and believe, I want to try to sleep at your place.”
I don’t know why, but I feel like I see fear on her face. “You’d be completely safe here, you know that, right?”
She doesn’t react to that. She doesn’t even acknowledge it. “We’re driving back tomorrow. Can I come over when we get back?”
“Absolutely.”
“When do you leave?”
“Thursday.”
She nods. “You’re not mad?”
“Not at all,” I promise. “I know we’re good.”
“You do?” she asks without meeting my gaze.
“Jaylin,” I demand, my voice low and rough. “Look at me.”
She does as I ask, and I smile. “We’re good, sweetheart. Don’t worry. Nothing you can say or do can make me feel any differently about you.”
She scoffs. “That’s untrue.”
“It’s not. I want you—all of you.”
There is so much hope in her eyes, but also, there’s that fear again. “I want you.”
“Good. See? We’re on the same page.”
“We are,” she says softly and then smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“I can’t wait. I miss that mouth of yours.”
Her grin grows. “Same, Kirb. So, so, so same.”
She blows me a kiss and my heart kicks up in speed, but then it turns to a puddle of goo when she asks to say goodnight to Celeste. Unfortunately, CC is in a mood, but that doesn’t derail Jaylin. She gushes over her and then says goodnight before I throw my phone on the couch, cuddling CC closer to calm her. That may have been one hell of a deep conversation, but I feel good about it.
I feel good about us. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think there might be a chance this could go up in flames. We both have our own demons we’ve gotta get past. The good thing is we could have each other to help fight them.
I only need her to realize that.
Chapter Eighteen
Jaylin
* * *
I have absolutely no clue what the hell I am doing, but damn it if I’m not just jumping right in. I have to. It’s the only way I know how to do things. When my cancer hit, I was dead set on beating it, and I did everything to make that happen. I kept my grades up for the college I wanted and then the law school I chose. I fought to get into a law firm that would respect me.
I fight for me. I fight for what I want. It’s who I am. I’m driven, and yeah, it may get me in some pickles every once in a while since I jump in without much thought, but it also gets me ahead.
I spent the whole ride back from Nashville thinking and gathering my words. I haven’t spoken of that relationship for years. Reason being, I wanted to stuff it so far down inside me that I’ll never have to think of it again. I honestly never thought I would need to, but then Kirby came skating into my life. He knows what to ask to get to know me better, and that is what makes him different. No man has ever wanted to know me inside out. Then again, I’ve never been as open as I am with him.
It’s his eyes; they get me every time. I just feel safe. I feel good, and I can’t help but yearn for more of those feelings. Fuck, if that isn’t terrifying. I’m so used to hiding myself, only showing what’s on the surface. But here I am. I want to give him what he wants, because I want it all from him.
I hate that I almost want to go with the lie. The same lie I told Aviva when everything went down. She was still so broken from losing her mom, my cancer, and then her mastectomy that I refused to put my trauma on her. I had leaned on her so hard when I was sick, I couldn’t imagine giving her anything else to worry about with me. Also, her dad had just left for the hundredth time. She couldn’t handle it. I was well aware of her state of mind, so I kept it deep inside.