Forgetting You

“Don’t you want to go to the pub with AJ, Stitch, Tank and Pretty?”

“Stitch, Tank and Pretty are married with babies. They don’t know what a pub is now.”

I sucked in a breath of shock and joy.

“They’re not!” I squealed. “They’re all married, and they have babies? Oh my God!”

Elliot smiled at my obvious delight.

“Ye’ll see them all once you’re better. I’ve spoken to them and they all send ye their best wishes.”

I knew they did. I’d had a beautiful flower wreath sent to me from the station – Mum had taken it home once the flowers started to die. I couldn’t believe Elliot’s friends were married and had children, and it made me curious about something.

“Elliot?”

“What?”

“Why aren’t you in a relationship?”

He shifted. “Pretty hard findin’ a woman to deal with me when it’s never goin’ to be a secret that I love another woman.”

My breath caught in my throat. Part of me was elated that he was still in love with me – even though he’d not actually said I was that woman, I knew he was talking about me. The other part of me was heartbroken for him, even though I was hurt over our break-up too.

“You’ve been all alone since I left?”

He stared at me for a moment. “I don’t want to hurt ye, Noah.”

“I know,” I said. “You’d never intentionally hurt me.”

Elliot had changed from how I remembered him – all the things I’d learned since waking up proved that – but I knew his heart, and I was sure that hadn’t changed.

“I also won’t lie to you,” he continued.

I swallowed. “You haven’t been all alone . . . have you? Do you have someone new that you’re seeing regularly?”

When Elliot shook his head, I was so relieved that I couldn’t contain it; my shoulders sagged as I lost my stiff posture. The panic that had been quietly building faded until I could breathe again.

“It’s okay.” I attempted to smile. “I got married; I have no right to harbour any jealousy about you being with someone else.”

Christ, just the thought of it made me want to vomit.

“It’s not like that,” he sighed, and leaned in. “I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone other than you. I slept around a lot during an angry phase not long after ye got married, and I had sex with women I met in pubs or clubs over the last few years. But it was just sex, just something to make me not feel so empty.”

Pain sliced through me.

“I wish everything had happened differently.”

“Me too, sasanach,” he said, smiling sadly. “Me too.”

“I love you, Elliot,” I said. “I do, but we need to put a pin in us until I can process all I’ve learned today. Okay?”

“Okay,” he agreed. “We’ll go at your pace.”

“Will you hug me?” I asked. “Today was . . . a lot.”

Without another word he leaned into me, allowing me to press my face against his neck. I inhaled and felt him tense ever so slightly. He placed his hand on my back and began to stroke up and down, relaxing me even more.

“I’m scared,” I whispered. “I’m scared because I don’t know how life will be for us.”

“That feeling you’re experiencing is how I felt when I thought of us being married back before we broke up. I was so sure we’d crumble like my parents; I was terrified of the unknown.”

I wrapped my arms around him.

“How did we get here?” I mumbled. “I mean, I know how we got here, but how did it all happen like that? I never thought we’d break.”

“I know, gorgeous. Me neither.”

I surprised myself and Elliot when I kissed his neck. I felt a shudder run through him.

“I’m struggling with a lot on my mind right now that I need to figure out for myself. I won’t lie to you, part of me is conflicted about trusting you after everything you’ve just told me, and since I can’t trust my memory, I have to go with the only thing I have left – and that’s my gut. I truly believe that I need you by my side as I go through this.”

I felt Elliot relax completely, and he began to sway us from side to side, lulling me further into the arms of an exhaustion that was desperate to claim me in its embrace. On the brink of sleep, I flicked through my memories of the day. I felt like a rag doll being pulled in a hundred different directions, and even though part of me couldn’t completely trust Elliot – or my parents – I had to believe that what they were doing by keeping things from me was for my health.

If I believed anything else, my head would split in two.

Learning about my past should have given me perspective to help me figure out my future, but I would have been lying if I said relearning the things I had forgotten was easy. It was trying, heavy, and more than I could handle at times. I needed Elliot, and my parents, to help shoulder the weight.