Pushing You Away - Noah & Katie (Ex-Con Duet 3)

Noah licks his lips as I take in his words. The pain in his voice and how low he thought of himself hurts my heart.

“When you sent me the second letter with a baby picture of Owen, the realization that you’d be raising him as a single mom hit me so hard, I lost control. I got into a fight with my cellmate over something so damn stupid, I ended up getting into more trouble. It’s probably why my dad has suggested I talk to a therapist more than once.”

“What were you fighting over?” I ask to break the tension.

“Honestly, I don’t even remember. I just wanted him to hit me. I needed to feel physical pain.”

I swallow hard. “Noah.”

“I felt dead inside, and that was the only thing that made me feel alive, even if it was only temporary. What I did to you wasn’t right by any means, but ignoring your letters and denying your request to visit was how I punished myself. It was selfish, and I realize that now.”

“You wanted to suffer?” I ask softly, trying to understand.

He nods sheepishly. “Yes, I deserved it. You were giving me a get out of jail free card, and after what I’d done to you and Owen, I couldn’t accept it. After years of pushing you away, I was too embarrassed for you to see me at rock bottom in a jumpsuit and unshaven. I didn’t even want Gemma and my dad to visit, but I knew that I couldn’t stop them.”

“You never have to be embarrassed about anything in front of me,” I ensure him. “Ever. No matter what. I thought you knew that?”

“I did,” he confirms. “But it didn’t matter because I was ashamed and mortified. Though I’m in love with you, I knew I’d never deserve you, and I thought if I pushed you away enough, you’d move on and find true happiness. I’d hoped anyway. I thought when I did get out, you would’ve gotten remarried and moved on, making the temptation to kiss you disappear.”

My heart nearly bursts out of my chest, and I blink hard as I repeat his words in my head. “Did you just admit that you’re in love with me?”

He tilts his head and furrows his brows. “Yeah, I-I thought I made that pretty clear when we kissed.”

I hold up my hand and shake my head. “No, no. You said you had a crush on me and were in love with me. As in, past tense.”

The corner of his lips tilts up slowly. “I’ve been in love with you, Katie Walker, since I was fifteen years old, maybe even younger. That’s never changed and never will. I tried for years to forget those feelings, but it was useless. My heart can’t not be in love with you.”

I blink to keep tears from falling, but they roll down my cheeks anyway. The ache in my chest feels like it’ll combust at any moment.

“I really want to kiss you right now…” I whisper. “But I’m so conflicted,” I choke out, hating that I’m crying in front of him. Doing what my heart says shouldn’t be this complicated, but it always has been when it comes to Noah.

Noah kneels next to me, and I turn slightly while wiping my cheeks.

“I know exactly how you feel, Katie. There’s absolutely no pressure, and I don’t expect anything from you. As long as I have your friendship, I’ll die a happy man.”

I chuckle softly as I stare into his deep brown eyes. “You have nothing to worry about. It’s exhausting trying to stay mad at you, and I don’t want to harbor that anger anymore.”

Noah smirks at me as if I’ve just hung the moon, and my cheeks heat. “What?” I ask.

“Only took…five and a half weeks.” He winks, and it’s then I realize what he’s implying.

“Oh my gosh.” I laugh, then playfully push his arm. “Was this an evil plan to get me to admit I’m no longer mad at you? Is there even someone after you?” I tease.

He snorts, then stands and kisses my forehead. Butterflies surface in my stomach as a shiver slides down my spine.

“Yes, unfortunately, but at least one good thing’s come of it.”

He sits in his chair, and I suddenly miss his closeness. These conflicting feelings are tearing me up inside.

“Well, whoever they are won’t win against us. Not this time anyway,” I reassure him. “I’m glad we’re starting fresh.”

“Me too. It’s a new beginning, and I’m ready.”

We finish eating, and as we’re cleaning up, I mention something weighing on my mind. “Do you remember how we used to pass notes to each other in middle and high school?” I ask.

He chuckles smoothly. “How could I forget? Those got me into trouble just a couple of times.”

I laugh and nod. “Me too. I actually found a box of our old notes a few weeks ago.”