Putting the half-eaten pint on the coffee table, I rubbed my eyes under my glasses and sat back into the cushions on the couch. “You’re trying to kill me with sugar.”
“You found me out,” she said around one of my cookies. “Took you long enough. What’s this?” she asked, nodding her head at the TV.
“How am I supposed to know? You have the remote.”
“Well, I can’t find it. What was coming on after Harry Potter?”
I rolled my head to the side and raised an eyebrow at her. “Really? You’re really asking me this right now? There were two on in a row. How the hell am I supposed to know the answer to that?”
“Meh, whatever. It has Cameron Diaz. I like her.” Kinlee shrugged and sat back. “I don’t want to watch this,” she whispered a few moments later.
“What? Why?” I looked at her, alarmed by the tone of her voice.
“I just don’t. Can you help me look for the remote?”
I watched as she turned and shoved her hand in the side of the couch, and I glanced back at the inoffensive movie playing. “I don’t—what’s wrong with it?”
“I just don’t want to watch it, all right?!”
Jumping back from her now-shrill voice, I sat there stunned for a few seconds before nodding my head furiously. “Yeah, okay. Let’s find it.”
I helped her look for the remote while sneaking glances back at the TV. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” I said, reading the title out loud. Why would Kinlee be so against watching this?
Looking back at her, I watched her eyes flutter shut and a deep breath left her. Her shoulders hunched forward like she was curling in on herself, and my chest ached for my friend.
“Are—are you and Jace having a baby?” Wouldn’t that be a happy thing?
She sighed sadly and opened her eyes, but didn’t look at me. She just continued staring at the back of the couch. “No.”
Glancing quickly at the movie still playing, I moved to sit on the floor next to her and grabbed her forearm. “Did you have a miscarriage, Lee?” She shook her head, and my confusion grew. “I—what happened? I don’t know what’s wrong.”
For long minutes she just sat there staring until she finally cried out, “I swear to God, it’s like it all comes at once. It can’t just be the same amount all the time. I either don’t see babies, don’t see pregnant women, and don’t see commercials about them . . . or I see them everywhere!” Fat tears fell down her cheeks, and my mouth hung open as I sat there helplessly. “In the last week I have seen dozens of commercials about babies, about pregnancy tests. There has been at least one pregnant woman or one woman with an infant who comes into the store every day, and did you notice the group of women at Starbucks on Thursday?” she asked, finally turning to look at me.
I shook my head as I thought back to Thursday.
“Pregnant!” she spit out. “All four of them were fucking pregnant, and two had toddlers.” Hard sobs racked her small body, and she wiped at her eyes with the heels of her hands. “It’s like it has to taunt me constantly for weeks until I finally break. It’s like the universe realizes that I’m okay with my life, and happy with Jace, and wants to remind me of what I can’t have and make me miserable all over again!”
“You—you can’t have kids, Kinlee?” I asked softly.
“Do you—” She cut off, trying to suck in air. “Do you realize how hard it is knowing you can’t? Knowing it’s not even an option?” she cried. “Do you know how badly Jace wanted a family? That’s all—” Her words stopped as the sobs took over her body, and she slumped into the couch.
Pulling her over to me, I wrapped my arms around her and let my hand run over her back as her body shook uncontrollably.
“That’s all he wanted. That’s all I wanted! And I can’t give us that,” she whimpered, her body sagging as the sobs calmed.
“Kinlee, I’m so sorry. I had no idea,” I said as I continued to hold her. “I’m sorry.”
We sat there on the floor, in front of her couch, for countless minutes as she cried and my heart broke for her. When her tears stopped and she sat back, I grabbed her hand and looked at her red-rimmed eyes.
“When did you find out?”
She sniffed and wiped at her face. “Right before we got married. We got in this huge fight because I was sure he wouldn’t want to get married anymore. It was our first fight, and it was so dumb, but I’d been terrified and heartbroken when I’d found out.”
“Have you ever thought about adoption?” I asked cautiously. I wasn’t sure if this was a sore topic for her.
“I mean, yeah. But it’s expensive, and people can go years waiting to adopt.”
“Would Jace want to?”