Never Say Forever

“Well, you were pretty preoccupied.” There’s more than a hint of rebuke in her tone. Because I lingered too long at the bar? Does she not realise it was because sitting next to her without touching her made me feel like I was bursting out of my skin?

“We sat side by side the whole time in the restaurant and you barely lifted your gaze from your glass. Yet you sat happily talking to Everett like you hadn’t a care in the world.” While I’d forced myself not to stalk over to him, to tear him limb from limb.

“Everett? There’s nothing between us . . .”

“But I think he’d like there to be. Maybe Rose should’ve slipped him the hotel key card.”

“He looks out for me, he’s not—”

“He wants in your fucking panties,” I roar. “Admit it!”

“Okay, maybe I will!” she yells back, her eyes flinty and her hands balled into fists. I’m sure she’d like to jump up, plant those fists in my face, but she can’t get up from the bench, not the way I’m crowding her in. And I’m not gonna move. “Maybe I’ll admit it. When you admit you wanted to fuck Kim Kardashian’s older sister!”

“Kim who?”

“Her, the girl with the big arse sitting next to you at the bar.”

“Are you jealous?”

“No! Yes. That’s not the point!”

“You sat and talked to Everett, yet you couldn’t even look at me.

“Because I can’t look at you without wanting you.” Now that was definitely a rebuke. “And I’ve tried so hard not to want you.”

“Don’t play games with me,” I growl, taking her chin in my hand. “You can’t cast me aside like an unwanted toy and get jealous when someone else looks about to play with me.”

“You’re not a toy,” she grates out, twisting her head away. “Don’t call yourself that.”

“Isn’t that what I am to you?” I ask, throwing my arms wide. “It’s certainly the reason you can’t look at me.”

Her head suddenly dips as she feed her hands between her clasped knees. “I miss you and I’m sorry,” she whispers, almost prayer like.

“You’re sorry you miss me?”

Her head comes up fast, the gold rim around her eyes an angry flare. “It would be so easy to say yes, that I hate myself for missing you, but that’s not it. What I’m sorry for is that you couldn’t tell me the truth. But at least I now understand why you didn’t. Why you couldn’t. I’m not making excuses for your lies because that would be foolish of me, and I promised myself a long time ago that I was worth more than being lied to. And I am, Carson. I’m worth so much more.” Tears brim against her eyelids though she refuses to let them overflow. I want to rail against the fucking world because I know I was wrong, and I’d do anything for her forgiveness, but the words are a ball of thorns, choking my throat.

“I thought that if you lied to me once, what was there to stop you doing it again.”

“Fee.” I make a plea of her name, desperate for her to hear that I would tear out my heart if it would help.

“Just listen to me, please.” Something flares in my chest as she reaches out to take my hand. Then she stands, pressing her other hand over my heart. “I need you to hear what I have to say.”

Jaw tight, I nod and tighten my fingers around hers.

“That night, five years ago, it changed the course of my life. I know I was already pregnant, but by the time I realised, I was already on the road to fixing the broken things in my life. And that was because you made me feel worth something. And I know that sounds silly because it was only one night, and it was only sex, but you did. You helped me see that I was worthy of love, including my own.

“And then I found you again. Or you found me. And I tried so hard not to give you my heart. But I did. And you weren’t kind to it. I don’t agree with what you did, how you lived your life, but I understand that was before I was a part of your life. But when you hid it from me, when you lied, I didn’t know how I could rationalise that to myself. And what about Lulu? She needs to learn her worth, too. If I allowed you to treat me badly, how could I ever teach her what she’s worth? And she’s worth everything to me.”

“I know that, angel. Lulu deserves the world.” Please let me give it to her.

She squeezes my hand and I go back to listening.

“But tonight, I realised something. And that is no one ever taught you what you are worth.”