Hold the Forevers

“He was just leaving.”

“Lila,” he growled.

Cole strode down the walkway with his hands in his pockets and a smug-ass look on his face. He stopped before the car, eyeing it appreciatively. “Nice car.”

“Thanks,” Ash said reflexively.

“Cole was just leaving,” I repeated.

“I am,” Cole said.

Cole and Ash stared at each other from either side of his Mercedes. The body of the car forcing distance between them. My heart pumped furiously at the showdown, the goddamn posturing. I’d thought I would have enough time to get him away before Ash made it here.

“Well, have a safe drive,” Ash said. Which sounded more like, Good riddance. Then he broke eye contact, dismissing Cole completely. “I got everything that you wanted at the store. Do you need help with anything else?”

“Um, decorations,” I said. “I have some balloons to blow up and hang.”

“I’ll carry this in for you, and we can get started,” he said, going for the backseat.

“I’ll, uh, meet you there.”

Ash froze. “Lila …”

“I will be right behind you.”

His eyes darted to Cole, who still hadn’t moved, just stood there and waited for me. Then Ash snaked an arm around my waist and kissed me. It was brief but said everything he needed to say. Mine.

“Don’t be long,” he said.

I nodded, dazed by the force of the kiss. “It’ll just be a minute.”

Ash took the decorations inside. I was sure that he was counting down the minutes before he could burst back out here. The hate was a mutual thing. Living, breathing death in their presence.

“I thought he might hit me,” Cole said.

“You sound disappointed.”

Cole shrugged and gestured down the street, where I saw his Jeep was parked.

“If he’d hit me, then I could have caved in his face.”

“Cole!”

He laughed, and it was so achingly familiar that it hurt me.

“I wouldn’t have hit first.”

“Yeah, well, you’re both acting like jealous, possessive assholes.”

“With good reason.” Cole stopped in front of his Jeep. “We’re both clearly in love with you.”

I bit my lip and dropped my gaze. “Cole, don’t.”

“Why are you dating him, Lila?”

“Please don’t do this.”

“You don’t love him,” he roared, unable to hold on to his calm. “You don’t love him because I know what you’re like when you’re in love. You’re a hundred and ten percent. You’re a sunflower in bloom. You aren’t scared of a damn thing. And you wouldn’t have hesitated to kick me out of your house.”

“I didn’t hesitate!”

“Yes, you did,” he growled.

“This isn’t fair. What did you expect to happen when you showed up?”

“I don’t know,” he said, running a hand back through his hair. “Not … this.”

“You’re in San Francisco. I’m here.”

“What if I moved here?”

“What would you do here?”

“I don’t know,” he grumbled. “I don’t know, Lila. I just know that it’s always been you. Always. And I can’t stand here and watch you be with him when I know you should be with me.”

“Is this about us, or is this about Ash?”

“Us,” he said automatically. “But … him too.”

“You should go,” I said, taking a step backward.

“Tell me the truth, Lila. Tell me you choose him. Tell me this is what you want.” Cole’s gaze was level with mine. “Tell me, and I’ll walk away.”

My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth like it had peanut butter on it. I’d said I’d made my choice. And I had. I was here in Savannah. I was with Ash. But was that a choice or just circumstances?

“I’m happy,” I whispered.

“Are you?” he pressed.

I nodded because I couldn’t get the words out. I was happy. But I was split in two. Half of my heart was here in Savannah, and half of my heart would always belong with Cole.

He stepped forward, clearing the distance in one long stride. “I want you to be happy, Lila.”

And before I could do a damn thing, his lips were on mine with all the force of a hurricane. I clutched on to him as he ravaged my mouth. As if I were hanging on for dear life in a gale with rain lashing down all around me. Like if I held on long enough, I’d weather the storm and come out on the other side.

There was no weathering the love of two men. There was only standing in the heart of the storm and praying for more rain.

When he released me, it felt like coming out from under water. And I stood in the road as he got into his car and drove away. I stood until I couldn’t see his taillights. Then I stayed a little bit longer.

Ash was waiting.

My lips were still on fire.

And my heart was in two pieces. One for each of them.

28

New Orleans

October 10, 2014

“Come on, Lila,” Trish said, a fellow student in my physical therapy program. “I know you don’t go out with us on the weekend at home, but we’re in New Orleans!”