Hold the Forevers

“You know me too well, Lila,” he finally said.

I swallowed at the words. At the easy way he’d said them. The intimacy as he’d leaned forward and rolled my name across his tongue.

I couldn’t deny how terribly we’d ended. How many regrets I had about how that conversation had gone down. Least of all that I’d lied and most of all how bad I’d hurt him, demolished nearly a decade of a relationship.

We couldn’t start over. There was nothing here that I could have when I was with Cole. That was obvious. Even telling him that I’d seen Ash would probably send him into a panic. But it was so hard when Ash was sitting right in front of me and all the old, familiar feelings washed over me.

I took a step back.

That wasn’t who I was.

I could love two men, but I could only have one.

And I wouldn’t do to Cole what I’d done to Ash.

Never again.

“It was good seeing you,” I said, swallowing hard.

His smile faded as if he’d read my thoughts. “You too, Lila.”

“I’m going to … go get my coffee.”

“You have your coffee.” He gestured to my ignored iced latte.

“Right. Cole’s coffee.”

His eyes hardened at the word. As if even saying his name was taboo. And it probably was. But I was with Cole now, and that was how it was.

“Bye,” I muttered.

He didn’t respond, but I backed up and hurried to the counter just as my name was called. I grabbed Cole’s drink and booked it out of there.

I carried the pasta, coffee, and a heavy heart into the house. I could smell Cole’s mom’s famous spaghetti sauce recipe, waiting for the noodles I’d brought home. Sunny rushed over to greet me.

“Yes, I know, cutie. Let me set this stuff down,” I told her as I entered the kitchen. “I have pasta.” I held the grocery bag up. “And coffee.”

“I knew I loved you for a reason.” He took the grocery bag from me, set the coffee down on the counter, and then pulled me in for a kiss. “Missed you. I hate when you work late.”

“Going to hate that I’m heading for the away game even more.”

“Mostly that I can’t go with you.”

“Next time.”

“Absolutely.” He kissed me again and then dumped the penne into the already-boiling water. “How was work otherwise?”

“Fine. Just a lot going on.” I scooped up Sunny and gave her a bunch of kisses as he stirred the pasta.

I debated on telling him about the chance meeting at the coffee shop. But the thought of the subsequent argument left me exhausted. I wasn’t going to see Ash again. I’d learned my lesson the hard way.

“Do I have time for a shower before this? I need to wash the training room off of me.”

“Go ahead.”

“Thanks.”

I released Sunny and then went for a quick shower. I towel-dried my hair afterward, pulling it up into a messy bun on the top of my head. The hot water had relaxed all my tense muscles, and I felt more like myself again.

But when I stepped back out of the bedroom, I found Cole in the dining room, holding my phone.

“What?” I asked when I saw his stricken face.

“Your phone was going off. I went to grab it to put it on silent. I know you always forget.”

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

I kept it on loud at work because Ferguson would send messages while I was in the training room. It always dinged when I left, and I’d get mad and have to put it back on silent. So frustrating.

“That’s what you’re sorry about?”

I stared at him. He didn’t look confused; he looked mad.

“Uh, what am I missing?”

“What the fuck is this, Lila?”

He thrust the phone out at me, and I took it from him, not knowing what he was getting at. But there on the screen was a series of messages from Ash. My face fell.

You ran out so fast that I didn’t even get to say good-bye.

But it was really good to see you.

Just to talk to you like normal even.

Didn’t realize how much I’d missed you.

My stomach knotted at the words. At the fact that they were from Ash. That he’d ever say these things to me. And also that he’d be stupid enough to put them in a text. Fuck.

“Lila?” Cole ground out.

“Ugh! Look, I saw him at the coffee shop. He was there, studying. Completely random.”

“And you stayed and talked to him?”

“It was five minutes. I was waiting for your coffee.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to find out from him sending you love messages?”

“It wasn’t a big deal.”

“It’s always a big deal!” he shouted.

I took a step back. “I wasn’t trying to hide it from you. I had no idea he was going to text me. Don’t you think if I was going for subterfuge, I would have at least turned my phone down?”