Hold the Forevers

Then I’d spent a year alone, thinking that it had taught me exactly what I wanted. That what Ash had said that day on Christmas Eve was true. That we’d always end back up right where we’d started.

But was that the truth?

Where we’d started was him lying to me about why he’d asked me out and then crushing me completely.

So, maybe we were there, but the places had been reversed. Because I’d definitely lied when I said I was ready and taking that first step out of that church had surely destroyed him.

“Lila!”

I squeezed my eyes shut. That wasn’t the voice I’d expected to hear first out of that church.

“Lila,” Cole repeated as he stopped behind me. “Before you get mad, please listen to me.”

“Before I get mad?” I demanded, whirling around to face him. “Before I get mad? You think I’m not already mad?”

“Yes, I know. I didn’t want to do it this way.”

I laughed humorlessly. “Doesn’t change how it happened.”

“It doesn’t. But you can’t marry him, Lila.” He ran a hand back through his hair, which was just a little longer than he normally kept it. It curled at the edges, like it used to do in college under his baseball caps. My heart twinged at the memory. “You’ll be miserable.”

“Like I am right now?”

“You’re not miserable. You’re confused.”

I stomped away, but he followed me.

“You’re confused because you’ve never had to make this decision. You’ve never had to choose between us. You settled on the first person who threw himself at you. And that person was always Ash. It always was. He was lurking in the corners, like a spider waiting to drop down from his web to snatch you up.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I whipped around. “You weren’t there. You weren’t there to know any of this.”

“And isn’t that strange, considering I said that I would wait for you?” he said calmly. “I said that I’d wait, and I did. I waited, Lila. Because it was always you and me in the endgame. Always.”

“You didn’t wait,” I insisted. “You were gone. You took a job to escape me!”

“You asked for space and time. I gave you space and time. You can’t exactly vilify me for doing exactly what you asked me to do.”

I closed my eyes against his words. They were exactly what I’d asked for. He’d done it. He’d given me the space to be alone. Ash had been the one to decide when I’d had enough time. When it was time for my isolation to be over.

Cole pushed forward, as if seeing that he was getting through to me. “Then, you went and got engaged while I was away.”

“How did you even find out?”

“Josie called me yesterday.”

“Oh God,” I whispered, realizing exactly where my bridesmaids had been before the wedding. “Did she know you were going to object?”

“No. I tried to get back to see you before it started, but there was no time.” He sighed. “But that’s not the point. The point is that you went and got engaged and didn’t even tell me!”

“That wasn’t planned.”

“If I’d known all I had to do was propose to get you to change your mind, I wouldn’t have waited.”

“What?” I squeaked.

“I’d planned to propose on New Year’s.” He withdrew a box out of his jacket pocket for emphasis. My jaw dropped at the sight of the ring in his hand. “I talked to your mom and everything on Christmas. She gave me her blessing. Then … church.”

My heart constricted, and I took a step back. “You never said anything.”

“When would I have?” he demanded. He stuffed the box back away into his pocket. “You wouldn’t see me! You sent me away, had your mom give me my suitcase back, and didn’t talk to me for weeks. At that point, it would have been desperate to show you a ring you clearly didn’t want. So, yeah, I left. I took the job I’d always wanted that put me on the road forty-plus weeks out of the year. Because I couldn’t be in Atlanta without you or at work when I couldn’t see you, and knowing I’d been a week away from making you my fiancée, only to royally fuck it all up, made me want to die.”

I stilled under those words. I hadn’t known. My mom had never even hinted at it. But of course, he was right. I hadn’t let him talk to me. I didn’t want anything to do with either of them for a year. Not until I endured a year of the worst dates of my life. And by then, Cole had been gone.

“I didn’t know,” I whispered.

“I know. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. Everything that happened right here at this goddamn church was my fault. Ash might have instigated, but you told me to let it go, and I didn’t. I leaned into it. But I’m not that guy anymore.”