Hold the Forevers

“If you want to tell yourself that,” Cole said with a shrug. “You still haven’t asked her.”

“I’m not playing your games,” Ash said. He held his hand out again. “Lila, let’s go.”

“I’m not playing games,” Cole said. “Actually, I’m finally done playing your games. You’ll say whatever you need to say to get her to walk back inside with you. And I already know one thing that you don’t.”

“What’s that?” Ash snapped.

“She doesn’t want to.”

“Cole,” I whispered softly.

“Tell him, Lila. Tell him the truth. It’s clear you put up with all this shit to appease his parents.”

“Please don’t,” I said.

And he did something I’d never seen him do before. He nodded and backed off. Just like that.

As if Ash weren’t even standing there.

Like he’d really spent the last year working on himself and putting all of this aside. Of course, he’d probably never get over his anger about Ash, but that didn’t mean he had to act on it. And he’d shown that he could control it when he needed to.

“I’m not here for him. I’m here for you. Just you, Lila.” Cole turned his back on Ash completely. “You didn’t tell me about all of this for a reason. You knew that I could change your mind.”

Ash coughed. “Charming. The reason she didn’t tell you is because, like adults, we discussed what to do about you. And we agreed not talking to you was for the better.”

We had discussed it. I hadn’t wanted to make the same mistakes. It didn’t change the fact that avoiding Cole all this time had been monumentally difficult. And now, it was coming back to bite us all in the ass.

Cole didn’t even hear him. “If I’m wrong, then take his hand, walk into that church. I’ll never bother you again. If you don’t love me, then I’ve already lost.”

I stared into Cole’s blue eyes. I heard the sincerity in his voice. The truth of what he’d said. That he’d worked on himself to be better for me. So that we could end up together. I’d never even imagined that he would actually do it. That he cared that much. When we’d last been together, he’d clung to his anger so strongly.

Now, we were back here on the church grounds with the last decision. The very last decision.

“Lila,” Ash said, drawing my gaze back to him.

To the man who, minutes ago, I’d been willing to spend my life with.

The two men in my life …

I’d always known that I couldn’t have both. Even when I’d suggested it, I’d known it wasn’t possible. Now, I had to choose one.

“If you don’t want to walk back in the church, then let’s go to the courthouse. I don’t care how it happens,” Ash said.

“Your parents do.”

“What my parents think doesn’t matter,” Ash snapped. “I don’t care about their opinion. It doesn’t matter to me.”

I blinked at those words. It was an interesting thing to say because it was such a lie.

“Then why was I forced to go along with everything they wanted for this wedding?”

Ash clenched his jaw. “You planned the wedding, Lila.”

“I did within parameters. Do you not even see how much you capitulate to them?”

“I work for my dad,” he said with a shrug. “I can’t completely ignore their wishes.”

I sighed. “Yeah, because if they had it their way, we wouldn’t even be here right now.”

“Don’t you understand?” he said earnestly. “I don’t care. If they bother you that much, then we’ll do it all over without them. It doesn’t matter. Only we do.”

“I believe that you think that,” I whispered.

I wanted so desperately to be as blind as I’d been to all of this pain. But my eyes were open. They were wide open.

Cole had known within moments of stepping into that wedding that this was all a disaster. That it couldn’t possibly be what I wanted. And how come Ash hadn’t seen me floundering through it? How hadn’t I admitted it to myself?

More than twelve years ago, Ash had hidden me from his parents because he knew how they’d react. And that part of our relationship had never improved since then. Why had I thought that it would all get better? That our married life would be better?

Now, we were here, arguing a moot point.

This wasn’t possible.

There was no coming back from what I’d done.

There was no coming back from running out of my own wedding.

“Lila,” he said, reaching for me.

I stepped back, and he stilled completely.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a second and then looked back at him. “I can’t go back inside with you.”

“Then let’s go somewhere else.”

“I can’t,” I said, my voice breaking. “I can’t marry you.”

Ash’s arm fell to his side. His face was stricken. “You … can’t marry me?”

“I’m sorry, Ash. I’m so sorry.” My hands covered my mouth. I breathed deeply. “I can’t do it.”