The Crush

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, but I’ll never see it that way.”

“Even if you don’t, Nathan made it clear that he does. He can’t see past it. That was something I hadn’t realized until the other night. I didn’t know he still harbored so much anger and blame toward me. Knowing that changes a lot.”

I felt jittery with panic. “What are you saying? Get to the damn point, Jace.”

“I’m saying I don’t want to be responsible for you losing the only family you have left when I already feel responsible for you losing your parents. I can’t live with that.” He closed his eyes. “As much as I want this to work, and goddamn it, Farrah, as much as I love you, I can’t put you in this situation. It would be the ultimate act of selfishness.” Jace placed his head in his hands. “Walking away from you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Walking away? He’d nearly knocked the wind out of me.

“Walking away…” I repeated.

The pain in his eyes was palpable. “I need to leave, Farrah.”

A rush of blood traveled to my head as I pleaded, “This is a mistake.”

“It’s the last thing I want, but it’s what’s best for you, even if you don’t realize it right now.”

I wanted to cry, but shock prevented me from doing anything. “Where are you going?”

“Back to North Carolina. Honestly, that was always the plan. I don’t belong here.”

Always the plan?

My devastation turned to anger. “So that’s it? You were going to leave all along? And now you’re just going to pretend nothing happened between us? That you didn’t fall in love with me?”

Jace covered his face with his hands. “I didn’t say that. I won’t forget any of it. Ever.” He looked up at me. “For as long as I live, Farrah. I’ll just be hoping you can forget me. This is not a decision I want to make. It’s the decision I have to make. There’s a difference.”

I felt betrayed. And more than that, I felt disappointed in him for not fighting harder, for not being willing to risk everything to be with me. Despite that, I was still tempted to beg him not to leave. But then what? This wasn’t just about Nathan anymore. It was about the wound Nathan had opened when he dropped that bomb, and Jace’s inability to deal with it.

Jace was back to running from his guilt like he always did. Being with me would mean having to face it, something he didn’t seem willing to do. I, on the other hand, had been willing to give everything up for him, but only as long as it brought us happiness. Right now, he was miserable and running scared. That was clear. If he wasn’t willing to let the past go to allow himself to be happy, how could this ever work?

“I don’t know what to say, Jace. I’m in shock.”

“You don’t need to say anything. There are really no words for this. The whole situation sucks. I swear to God, I never meant to hurt you. I just feel like I need to stop this before I do irreparable harm to both of you.”

I didn’t want to break the news to him that he’d already done that. His leaving would never be something I’d just “get over.” If he thought that, he sure as hell had underestimated my feelings for him. And I didn’t know that I could ever forgive my brother for putting us in this situation.

He placed his hand on my chin. “Farrah, look at me. I need you to hear this.” He exhaled. “I can’t…live on the pedestal you’ve always put me on. I don’t deserve it. That’s the truth. If I stay and ruin your relationship with your brother, I’ll never be able to forgive myself. I’m still working on forgiving myself for everything else. I’m nowhere near there yet. Aside from all that, I have never been capable of holding on to a relationship. There are just too many damn ways to hurt you.”

Didn’t he realize he’d already hurt me?

“You’re really leaving?” My voice trembled.

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“When?”

“Tonight.”

“Tonight?” I wiped a tear and shook my head. “Jesus. I’m surprised you even bothered to say goodbye.”

“I’m leaving tonight because I can’t be here another minute if I know I’m not staying. It’s too painful. I can barely look at you right now.”

I mustered up the courage to say one last thing. “I want you to know that even though you think you’re protecting me, you’re making the wrong decision. I don’t need you to protect me. I need you to trust me, to listen to me. Because I would love you no matter what. All of this—all the pain, all the shit with Nathan—it all would have been worth it. But I don’t know how to convince you of that.”