The Crush

He put the music on low as we quietly sipped. I gazed out the window, but could feel his eyes on me.

He eventually broke the silence. “Do you still go to that bar for those confessionals?”

I shook my head. “I stopped going to The Iguana a while back, but from what I hear, they still do it once a week.”

“Whatever happened to your friend, Kellianne?”

“We’re still good friends. She’s married now, and she just had a baby girl.”

“Wow. That’s wild.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you still write at night liked you used to?”

I looked down at my cup. “I haven’t written for myself in some time. And even if creativity struck, I don’t have a lot of time now between school and work.”

“I know we never spoke about it, but Nathan told me you’re majoring in criminal justice. I think that’s badass.”

I nodded. “For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do. But when it came down to making a decision, criminal justice felt right—probably because of what happened to Mom and Dad.”

Jace’s eyes seared into mine. He swirled the liquid around in his cup. “You think you’ll go on to law school?”

“I haven’t ruled it out. There’s a lot I still haven’t decided.”

“Figuring out what you want to do with your life is no small decision. I’m still figuring it out, too. I’ve been wavering back and forth a lot lately.”

“How so?”

“Well, my father’s decision to sell the company had a lot to do with my mother. They were supposed to be traveling the world together in their retirement. Now that she’s gone, he doesn’t think he wants to retire quite yet. He needs something to focus on.”

“He’s thinking of backing out on the sale?”

“Yeah. But the thing is, he can’t handle it all alone anymore. He hasn’t asked me to help, but I feel like that’s what he wants—for me to stay here and run the business with him.”

An anxious feeling came over me at the prospect of Jace staying in Palm Creek. “Is that what you want?”

“I know I don’t want to leave Florida right now. He needs me. I’m also a little worried, to be honest. With my mother gone, he might fall into old habits.”

“The gambling, you mean.”

“Yep.” He sighed. “He never went back to it, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“I can understand that fear.”

“So, I’m pretty sure I’m staying—permanently this time.” His eyes lingered on mine.

I sat there stone-faced, unsure of what to say. The thought of him leaving again scared me even more than his staying. I wasn’t about to analyze what that meant.

“What about your life back in Charlotte?” I asked.

He sighed and placed his cup in the holder. “There’s not much to go back to. Kaia and I had an okay relationship, but I’m not in love with her. Being away made me realize that even more. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. That relationship was something I should’ve ended before it got too serious. But I was comfortable with her, and that was good enough for a while.” He turned toward me. “Maybe you can relate. You said you felt…safe…with your boyfriend. That’s sort of how it was with Kaia.” He paused. “Feeling safe doesn’t always mean it’s right, though.”

I took a deep breath in as I continued to look out toward the street, refusing to look in his eyes so he couldn’t sense my weakness.

“You know,” he said. “When I first came back, I nearly had a heart attack when I drove by your old house—before I knew you guys had moved.”

My forehead wrinkled. “Why?”

“There was a little girl playing outside. She had black hair like mine. For a moment, I thought I’d left behind more than just my heart when I took off.”

It took me a few seconds to realize what he meant. “You thought I had your baby?”

“Only for, like, two minutes—the longest two minutes of my life. Then her mother came out and snatched her, thinking I was some kind of weirdo for staring at her little girl from the sidewalk.”

My mouth hung open. “Wow. I guess I can see how you might have thought that.” I looked at my lap. “After you left…my period was late.”

His eyes widened. “What?”

“I thought I was pregnant.”

“Shit,” he said. “That must have been scary.”

“It was.”

“You weren’t…pregnant, though?”

“No. It was probably stress or something. That can mess with your cycle. But I can relate to your little heart attack. Although, mine lasted for over a week.”

“Fuck.” He laid his head back and looked at me. “If that had happened, I would’ve come back. You know that, right? I would never have let you go through that alone.”

“At the time, I certainly wouldn’t have believed that.”

Jace turned his body toward mine and closed his eyes, readying himself to say something. “I made a huge mistake, Farrah. I left believing you would be better off without me because of my feelings toward myself. I felt so guilty for my involvement in what happened to your parents. I’d never dealt with any of it. And when Nathan unleashed my deepest secret like that, it caused me to spiral. Leaving you was a form of self-punishment. I ran so I didn’t have to face my guilt and shame. If I could go back, I would stay, endure the pain. I would’ve stood up to Nathan and for myself. I would’ve done everything I could to keep us together. But that’s a realization that’s only possible through hindsight. I’m paying for it now, because it hurts me to look at you and not see the joy you used to have in your eyes. It hurts me even more to feel like I took it away.”