The Crush

As much as he was partially right, it wasn’t fair to let him feel like the entire burden was his to bear.

“I’m a stronger person for it,” I told him. “I needed to lose you to find myself—my inner strength. I’m tougher than I was. And I won’t let anyone destroy my heart like that again.”

Jace’s expression darkened, my words seeming to hit him where it hurt, though they weren’t meant to.

Feeling a need to escape, I looked at the time. “The food has got to be ready by now.”

He looked out toward the building. “Oh yeah. You’re right. It’s been way over a half hour.”

Jace and I went back inside to retrieve two pies and five aluminum trays of food—sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, corn bread, and stuffing. I carried two trays back to the car, and Jace piled the rest into his arms.

The ride home was quiet. The tension in the air was still thick, but I felt more at ease around him after the conversation we’d had. It had felt good to let some of that out. As hard as it was to talk about what happened between us, in a strange way, I still felt like I could tell Jace anything.

Back at the house, the turkey was ready to come out of the oven. Jace volunteered to lift the heavy bird out for me. After that, he carved it and helped me set the table while Nathan continued to entertain Phil in the living room.

Later, Jace reached over me to place silverware at one of the settings near where I was arranging the sides. The contact gave me goose bumps. I’d been fighting my physical attraction to him all day. It was easy to convince myself he wasn’t right for me since he’d broken my trust. It was another ball game trying to stop my body from reacting anytime he was in the vicinity.

When the four of us finally sat down, Nathan and I were on one side of the table facing Jace and his dad, with Jace sitting directly across from me.

Nathan made an announcement. “Before we eat, we should all say what we’re thankful for. Mom would be disappointed if we didn’t.”

“I think Faye would have agreed,” Phil said.

We each took turns. Nathan spoke about how thankful he was to have reconnected with Jace, for his continued recovery from the accident, and as always, he was thankful for me. Phil went next and admitted it was hard to be thankful for much this year. But he was thankful for his belief that his wife was watching over him and the fact that he was sharing a meal with good people today.

Next it was Jace’s turn.

My eyes were fixed on him as he began to speak.

“This year brought a lot of unexpected things to my life. I lost my mother, who meant the world to me. That was definitely the lowest point. It was also a huge eye-opener about how life can change in an instant. You don’t have forever to make amends or to tell people you love them.” His eyes met mine for a moment before they traveled over to Nathan. “I never could’ve imagined that coming home during one of the darkest points in my life would have brought me unexpected peace and a second chance at friendship. The past three years away weren’t easy, but I learned a lot about myself, how I’d let guilt and fear take over my life for so long. I’ve made mistakes…but I never meant to hurt anyone. I’ve been working on forgiving myself.” He looked toward my brother again. “Nathan, your ability to forgive me so freely has helped in that process.” He paused. “So, what am I thankful for? I’m thankful to have my brother back.” Jace’s eyes traveled around the table. “I’m thankful to be sitting here with the three people who mean the most to me in the world.” He looked at Phil. “Dad, you’ve taught me a lot about strength since Mom died. You get up each day and push forward, even though I know that’s not easy for you.” He turned to me. “Nathan and Farrah, you’ve taught me about humility and putting aside pride in favor of forgiveness. Thank you again for opening your home to us. No matter what’s happened in the past, I will always be here for you, if you need me.”

A conflicted mix of emotions tore through me. I hated that I could feel the wall I’d put up starting to come down. That terrified me.

When everyone turned to me, my heart pounded, and the first thing that came out was, “I’m thankful for Xanax.”

Everyone laughed.

“Seriously, I’m thankful that even though it’s always been just Nathan and me, today we get to experience a sense of family through our mutual losses. No matter what’s happened in the past, I’m grateful for this day and for this peaceful moment in time with you.” I smiled shyly. “That’s all.”