“Well, okay, so say I take the job and move to Silicon Valley and everything. What about Jacob?” I said, tasting the bitterness of the words as the left my lips. “What are we going to do?”
“Oh, I see,” she said, sensing my anxiety for the first time. “You’re afraid to tell him?”
“I’m terrified,” I said. “But not just to tell him, I’m scared of what’s going to happen to the first legit thing I’ve had with someone in a long time.”
“You know, just because you got the job doesn't mean you can't still date the guy,” Caroline said reasonably.
“But it kind of does,” I replied. “He hates Silicon Valley and this internship is intense. It's eighty hour weeks every week. It's sleeping under your desk for two hours before drinking more coffee to keep going. They specifically mention in the application that this is not for people who have families or responsibilities outside of work.”
“Remind me why you want this job again?” Caroline replied sarcastically.
“Because it gets me in the door for every job I could ever want,” I reminded her. “Plus, it's at the company I want to work for. I'd probably be sleeping there anyway if I could. It's everything I've ever wanted.”
“Except Jacob,” Caroline added. “So, basically, if you take this job, you're going to disappear off the face of the earth for as long as the internship is, right?”
“Right.” I closed my eyes. “If I take this job, all social options are off.”
“He does know about the job, right?” she asked after a moment.
“Kind of,” I said. “He knows of the job. He knows I applied.”
“Does he know how bad you want it?” she asked. “That it's your dream job?”
“Yeah, he does.” I fiddled with a loose thread on my pajamas. The seam on the bottom of my shirt was starting to fall apart.
“Well, that’s that,” she said as if that settled things. “He can’t really expect you to pass up on your dream job offer.”
“I don’t know what he expects,” I said. “But I don’t know what I expect either. I don’t know what to do.”
“You’ve gotta do what’s right for you,” she said. “That’s all you can ever really do.”
“It just doesn’t really feel right ending things between us right now. This is the best guy I’ve ever met. Ever.” I sighed and tugged at the thread. It just made more thread come out. “And now I’m just supposed to say, ‘sorry, goodbye, I’m on to bigger and better things?’”
“But you are,” Caroline said gently. “Nothing says that you’re supposed to become a hermit and settle when you’re twenty-three years old. You’re allowed to pursue your ambitions. You don’t have to compromise. You shouldn’t compromise.”
“The thing is, this doesn’t even feel like compromising,” I said. “I feel torn.”
“That’s okay though,” she said. “Feeling torn is okay but don’t let it discourage you.”
“I know it sounds stupid or silly or whatever,” I said. “But I feel like I’m passing up on something that could be just as important as my dream career, in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I could be passing up on my dream guy.”
“Okay. Hold up,” Caroline began. “No offense, but you guys have known each other for all of a week or two. If there were wedding plans on the table, or kids or anything like that, it’d be different. But I haven’t even been introduced to this guy—which is fine—I’m just saying, you can’t really be debating turning down an opportunity like this for a guy that you just met while living at home for a few weeks.”
I didn’t want to speak, didn’t want to confront her comment. It was the same thing I’d been telling myself all day, but still it hadn’t stuck. Still there was a barrier preventing the notion from making its way into my head and restoring a sense of rational thought, no matter how badly I needed it.
No matter how much I recognized the logic behind what Caroline had articulated, the barrier remained. My wavering and painful uncertainty remained. I felt something for Jacob that I wasn't ready to give up yet.
“Alicia? You still there?” Caroline asked after a moment.
“Yeah, I’m still here,” I said. “Stuck between a rock and a hard place.”
“I think you’re just stuck between your head and your heart,” Caroline said. “And not even really that, because your heart wants this job too.”
“Does it?” I asked, uncertain of my own thoughts.
“Yes. Just because it’s been fun doesn’t mean it’s your future.” She paused. “And it certainly doesn’t mean you should disrupt your future, that’s for sure.”
“What if Jacob is my future?” I asked, needing to get the question asked.