There was silence. The words were like tangible objects I had thrown at Caroline and I was waiting to see if they’d hit or if she’d simply dodged them in disbelief. What’s worse, I could no longer tell if I was trying to convince Caroline or myself.
“I don’t think that’s the case,” she finally said, carefully selecting her words. “And if your relationship can't survive being apart for a little while, was it really meant to be?”
I didn't want to answer that. I didn't like the implications.
“I really don’t think you want to throw everything away for a fling,” Caroline quietly said after a moment of silence.
“Yeah,” I said, not feeling like I could muster any more than that.
“Don’t overthink it,” she said. “Be happy for yourself, Alicia. You earned this. No more self-pity and unnecessary confusion. Tell yourself the truth. I want to hear you say it. Tell yourself, ‘congratulations’ right now.”
“Congratulations?”
“No, say, ‘CONGRATULATIONS Alicia!’” she commanded. “I want to hear you say it.”
“Congratulations Alicia,” I repeated, feeling effectively patronized and at the mercy of Caroline’s intuition. I was unable to defend myself any more than I’d already tried.
“Good enough,” she replied. “Remind yourself of that whenever you feel yourself slipping back into that spiral of nervousness. It’s okay to be a little anxious, but don’t second guess yourself.”
I knew she was right, but I didn't want to let go of my dreams with Jacob just yet. When I had been sure I was never going to get the ZephTech internship, I had convinced myself that Jacob was my future. And those dreams were still dancing through my mind. They were still so beautiful and perfect that I wasn't ready to give them up yet.
“I love you girl,” Caroline said, realizing I was drifting into despondence. “Don’t forget that either.”
“I love you, too,” I said. “Thanks for talking to me.”
“Of course babe, don’t even mention it,” she said. “Always here for ya. Just hope I was able to help a little.”
“You did,” I said, not really sure if I was lying or not.
“It’s definitely a big deal,” she said. “A big decision. I just think you should approach it with the excitement you deserve.”
“It is a big decision,” I agreed.
“It’s the decision you’ve been waiting years for,” she said. “When you’re laying in bed thinking about it before you fall asleep, don’t think about Jacob or any of the other excuses out there. Think of all the tests, the projects, all the hours you had to put in to get here.”
“You’re right,” I said. There was no doubt that her logic was bulletproof but it was becoming equally as exhausting. Everything was exhausting. “I know you're right. I just need a little bit of time, I guess.”
“Okay, well I’ll let you get that sleep now,” she said. “Give me a call after you tell Jacob, let me know how it goes.”
“Okay,” I said, not really swallowing what she’d said. I hung up the phone and stared into the dark of my room.
I recognized at least a hint of anger still running in my chest after the phone call, the only part of me that was moving as I stared into the ceiling. The rest of my body was lifeless.
I couldn't believe she could brush off my emotions around Jacob. How could she not know that he lit up my world and made the sky blue again for me? That when I was with him, I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life?
Because you've only known him two weeks and this isn't a fairy-tale, came my own thoughts. Because she hasn't met him or fallen in love like this before.
I could clearly see my future as two paths before me. On one, I was working at ZephTech, following my computer dreams. On the other, I was with Jacob and eating picnics in the park.
I wished I could merge the two options together, but my mind refused to combine them. Jacob hated Silicon Valley and as such, if I took this internship, I wouldn't see him for six weeks. Could our relationship survive that? It was still so early in our story together that I wasn't sure.
But, if it's love- it will work, right? I asked myself. I was afraid of the answer, because even though I was in love with him, we hadn't made anything official. I could all too easily see the two of us drifting apart because we never had enough time to make sure our ties were really strong enough to keep us together. There were married couples that fell apart after six weeks of being apart. If they couldn't do it, how in the world could we?
I no longer knew if I was making any sense or confusing myself even more. But I guess I do know one thing, I told myself. I’ve got to tell Jacob.
I remembered the way Caroline had told me to let her know how breaking the news to Jacob went over, as if chaos were inevitable. How had she managed to be so excited and skeptical at the same time? I thought, picturing her lecturing me with her feet up while I lay anguished in my bed.
I had to tell him. But I couldn't tell him over the phone. I reached over, typing and deleting a dozen texts before finally settling on: