“Okay,” I said out loud again, finding a weird comfort in lecturing myself. Luckily, the store was mostly deserted. “Time to buy a test.”
At the very least I needed to rule it out, I decided. Then, at that point I could go to a doctor and get some antibiotics or whatever I needed to fight the infection I’d caught. It had to be some sort of infection and my immune system was just causing me to crave weird things.
I walked quickly over to the feminine needs aisle. I appreciated the irony of pregnancy tests being next to the condoms and within spitting distance of the tampons. If you needed one of these things, you didn't need the other.
My hands shook as I selected two boxes. One was far cheaper than the other, but the more expensive box promised an easy digital readout. I wanted to be absolutely sure.
“I'm making the big bucks now,” I whispered, putting the more expensive one in my basket. “And digital is what got me into this mess. Maybe it will get me out.”
I glanced through my basket and realized I didn't need anything else. Except maybe more orange juice, I wanted gallons of that, so I began the walk to the checkout. With every step, I was sure people were watching me. I felt the security cameras on my every move as I put my things on the counter to buy. I did my best not to cringe as I put the pregnancy test up there.
I was sweating when the clerk swiped the test. I was ready with an “it's for a friend!” response if she said anything. But she didn't. She just scanned it and put it in a bag with my three gallons of orange juice.
“Have a great day,” the cashier told me as she handed me the bag. I expected judgment, but instead there was just a world-weary smile. I wondered just how many women she saw buy pregnancy tests on a daily basis.
I considered going to the bathroom of the grocery store, but chickened out. I told myself if was because I had ice cream that would melt if I didn't get it in the freezer, but I knew that wasn't the real reason. The last place I wanted to find out if I was pregnant or not was the grocery store because I wasn't sure how I was going to react.
I already looked like a crazy person with my three gallons of orange juice, tear streaked face, and psychotic hair. I didn't need to come out of the bathroom screaming, so I just went home.
Chapter 19
I peed on the stick.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
It felt like an eternity. I paced the bathroom, I sat on the toilet, I straightened up my shower toiletries, yet the time did not pass. It was the longest five minutes of my life.
My hands shook as I approached the sink. It was the moment of truth. I was half afraid the test would somehow be inconclusive, despite the box's assurances that wouldn't happen.
I swallowed hard and picked up the test.
PREGNANT
It was written there in big bold letters.
I shook it, just to be sure.
PREGNANT
I didn't know if I should scream, cry, pass out or laugh. I felt like I should probably do all of the above. I wished I had someone here to hold my hand as I read that dark word that meant my life was changing. I wished I had Jacob, the one who didn't lie to me, with me telling me that everything was going to be okay and that this was a blessing.
I wished I had someone who would help me tell my dad.
I sank slowly onto the toilet and felt a tear trickle down my cheek as I pressed my hand against my stomach.
I already loved the life growing inside of me. Now that I knew it was there, I loved it. It didn't matter that its father was a lying bastard. It didn't matter
that it changed everything and I wasn't sure what I was going to do about that yet.
I loved that life and was determined to do whatever it took to keep it healthy.
My phone buzzed on the counter and I looked over to see a message from Jacob. I immediately deleted it as I didn't care what he had to say to me. I was still furious and wanted nothing to do with him and his apologies.
Do I have to tell him? I asked myself. Does he even deserve to know?