Empty. No new messages. I set it down, wondering if I should send Owen the first message. The blank screen stared up at me. I wasn't sure what part of the world he was in. He never said whether he was going back to Dubai or back to New York. My fingers itched to text him, but I was the one who said I couldn't live his executive lifestyle. I was the one who had asked to go home. I didn't want to get his hopes up for something I couldn't give.
I regarded the silent phone for a moment, willing it to ring. It simply sat there like the piece of plastic it was. I felt like screaming. I needed something to do. If I sat here much longer, I was going to burst into tears and I didn't want to cry anymore. The tears, anger, and hurt were all welling up in my chest, and I wasn't ready to deal with any of it. I wanted the illusion that things were the way they were supposed to be.
I went to the kitchen and started pulling out pots and pans, turning on the oven and pulling out my cookbooks. If I couldn't sit still, at least I could be productive. Flour covered my kitchen in no time as I went to work kneading bread, baking cookies, and using up all the baking supplies in my pantry. I only had a few things in my fridge, so I couldn't do much more than the basics.
After a run of cookies, a loaf of banana bread, and a failed experiment at egg-free brownies, I could go no further with my meager supply of groceries. I knew I wasn't going to eat all the things I had just baked, but at least it was now closer to lunch than to breakfast.
I picked up my phone, fully intent on calling Marissa, and if I happened to check my messages as a result of said phone call, I wasn't going to beat myself up about it. No messages.
I wanted to pout, but instead I did what I had intended, and called Marissa. I knew Allie was working today, but Tuesdays were usually Marissa's day off. All I got was a cheery sounding voice-mail recording.
"Hey, so, I'm back in town. Give me a call when you get this." I tried not to sound as dejected as I felt, but I knew she would see through me in an instant. Getting a call from a friend who is supposed to be on vacation saying they're back in town is a pretty sure way to know something happened.
The urge to do something, anything, was growing stronger. I needed to get out of the house. There wasn't anything for me here; no reason for me to stay indoors. I hopped in the shower, rinsed the flour out of my hair, and changed into jeans and a comfy shirt. I didn't need to impress anyone today.
A piece of paper fluttered from the door jam as I opened the it. My heart caught for a second as I thought of Owen leaving me a note, but I quickly recognized the apartment building's logo.
Dear Resident,
We are sorry to inform you that the intercom and door lock system for your building is currently broken. Please note that visitors will be able to use the intercom to notify residents of arrival, but the two-way communication and door unlock features are currently unavailable. The resident will have to manually open the door to allow visitors into the building.
We apologize for any inconvenience and hope to have this fixed as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
The Management
I crumpled the paper and tossed it into the trash bin before closing the door. Just my luck that the system would break, I thought. Then, I realized that I didn't have anyone to visit me anymore. My annoyance disappeared into a fog of self-pity as I stepped out to my car.
I headed into downtown Des Moines, looking for something to do. After driving aimlessly through the city, I decided I should at least get groceries. I turned to head toward the highway when I saw the dome for the botanical gardens.
We were in front of the Des Moines Botanical Gardens, the big glass dome glowing slightly from an inner light. Owen stepped out of the car and immediately shrugged out of his jacket and draped it across my shoulders without even asking. It was warm and smelled like his cologne. I took a deep breath, my insides going tingly at being wrapped in the scent. He grabbed my hand in his, his body heat seeping into my palm, and pulled me inside.
The memory hit me, and I turned into the parking lot unsure of what I was expecting to accomplish. Owen wouldn't be here with me this time. But I wanted so desperately to feel a connection, to feel that glow of happiness. I was going to just look inside, remember the good times, and then leave. Maybe it would help me find some closure.
Inside the dome, the air was hot, humid, and sticky to the point of being uncomfortable. Children in matching T-shirts shrieked through the exhibits, weary looking guardians chasing slowly after them. Some sort of children's tour was going on, filling the room with screaming kids.
I tried to work my way over to the waterfall where Owen and I had eaten our picnic dinner. It looked different in the daylight, the soft glow replaced by the harsh glare of the sun. I could barely hear the musical song of the water falling over the loud scree
ching of sugar filled kids. I stared at the waterfall for a moment, trying to recall exactly how it had felt the last time I was in this room, but instead of romantic kisses on my lips, strangers kept bumping into me. Everywhere I went, the crowd managed to jostle me.
I remembered the sweet scent of plumeria, and went to find one of the strange-looking trees. I walked around the room, but couldn't find a single one. When I saw a tour guide pointing out various species of edible plants to several interested adults, I headed over and asked where a plumeria tree might be.
"I'm afraid we don't have any plumeria here. I saw one once in Hawaii, though, and they sure are beautiful. Sorry about that," the young woman told me. I sighed, thanked her and headed back to my car.
I was drained. I didn't want to be out anymore. My throat hurt from holding back tears, and I felt shaky and sick. I just wanted to go back to bed. So I hopped in my car, went home, and did exactly that.
I woke up early again the next day and immediately got groceries and then hid in my house before the rest of the world could wake up and bother me. I still felt grouchy, and crowds were the last thing I wanted to deal with. I was giving very strong consideration to simply becoming a shut-in and never having to deal with human beings again when Marissa called.
"Hey you! Allie and I are coming to get you at five-thirty to go to Zoo Brew with us, so you'd better be ready," she said into the phone. She had been texting me nonstop from the moment she thought I was awake until well after lunch when she decided to finally just call. There was no doubt in her voice that I was going to go whether I wanted to or not.
"Marissa, I don't know... I mean I'm still jet lagged, and.." I said, trying to get out of it.
"And there is beer and wine at the zoo. Allie and I already bought your ticket. We had such a great time last year when we went, remember? Come on, animals and alcohol? What could be more fun?" I could tell she wasn't going to take no for an answer. Remembering the good time we had dancing to live music and getting free wine samples at the adults only event last year made me smile.
"All right. I'll get dressed and we can go."
"Sweet! We'll come pick you up!" I could hear her grin through the phone. It was hard not to smile back when I thought of how big her smile could be. When I set down the phone, I felt optimistic for the first time all day.