And yet all I see is the stark regret on his face when he faced me. And I keep hearing the story he told me about his dad.
I want to weep for that brave, abused boy. The child who learned violence from the cradle, and who used it to make things right in his world. A soldier who lives by a code of honor, despite it all. He believes in loyalty and friendship. He never hurts women.
He wants to make his mother happy and she won’t let him.
Tony what have you done?
I threw the same words at him that she did, without even meaning to. Every time I remember it, I want to puke.
Just like her, I judged him for killing in self-defense.
A buzzer sounds from the front gate. I freeze. I haven’t told anyone where I went—not even Izzy. I half-expect my parents to show up any day, since they live here and I’m not in Vegas anymore, but they wouldn’t ring the bell.
I go to the security screen to see who it is.
There, staring up into the camera, is Tony. He hasn’t shaved in a few days, and the sexy new growth outlines the square line of his jaw. His face is screwed up tight. It makes him appear even more fearsome than usual, but under the thunderous visage, I see worry.
My heart stumbles and falls. I can’t face him. I really can’t.
I don’t even trust myself to see him. Because if I do, I’ll probably fall right back into his arms again.
And that would be a mistake.
I push the button. “Tony.”
“Songbird.”
“How did you know I’d be here?” My voice is better after not talking for two days. It comes out clear.
He scrubs the new beard. “I didn’t. I just thought I’d try.”
He flew all the way to L.A. to try.
“Tony, I want to be alone right now. Please go.”
The muscle in his jaw flexes, standing out even under the stubble. He looks away from the camera, a hard stare toward the house. “I need you to come back to the casino, Pepper.” The tightness in his voice tells me this is the mobster talking, not the man I called my lover.
He could make me. I know that. I saw how easily he broke into Hugh’s house and emptied it. I saw how he disarmed a killer and eliminated the threat. It would be nothing for him to get through my gate and the locks on my front door, throw me over his shoulder and carry me off.
I don’t answer.
Tony closes his eyes like he’s summoning patience.
“Please go,” I plead.
He opens his lids and looks at the camera again. There are dark circles under his eyes like he hasn’t been sleeping. “You have someone on security detail here?”
There’s the man who cares about me.
“Yes. Twenty-four seven surveillance. And I won’t leave the grounds without a bodyguard.” I don’t plan to leave the grounds at all, but I don’t tell him that.
He grunts his approval. “Tell me you’re coming back for the show Friday.” I hear resignation in his voice. Or is it defeat?
My chest tightens.
“Yes. Of course. I’ll fulfill my obligations.” I don’t mean to put a bitter note in my words, but it comes through, anyway.
Tony nods. And that’s it. He doesn’t even say goodbye, just gets in his car and drives away.
And now, finally, the tears fall.
I cry for what we both lost. I cry because Tony Brando honors me enough to give me my freedom and agency, even when under pressure from his Tacone bosses. And also because he didn’t stay and beat down my door and promise he can somehow fix our broken pieces.
I cry until my eyes are puffy and my head aches.
And then I cry some more.
Tony
Leaving Pepper in L.A. was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I wanted to just pitch a goddamn tent on the sidewalk outside her mansion to make sure she is safe and healthy. But then, I’m the guy with a hitman coming after me, so my presence only endangers her. And she asked me to leave.
I’m not gonna force myself on her. I will never be that guy. I have to respect her wishes, even if it kills me.
I stand now and stare at the empty stage at the Bellissimo.
I’ve never been so lonely in my life. So utterly gutted. Knowing she’ll be back here, singing and dancing on that stage, but she won’t be mine? It kills me.
But I want her to be happy.
I need her to be happy.
And if that means respecting her wishes for distance between us, I will. She deserves that honor from me.
I can’t make myself into something I’m not. Pepper deserves a decent man. One without blood on his hands. One who—aw, who the fuck am I kidding? I drive my fist into the seat back in front of me. No man would ever be good enough for Pepper. There’s no man I could ever see touching her, taking care of her without me wanting to rip his ears off.