If I had nine hundred grand, I would pay off Pepper’s debt and free her from the contract with Junior Tacone in a heartbeat. Then I would quit the Family and beg for a position as her bodyguard. Roadie. Anything to be close to her.
I wouldn’t make her promise me anything. I’d just take care of her. Show her I’m willing to earn back her trust. Make sure she knows how incredible I think she is.
Fuck, does she know?
Would it make any difference?
No. Probably not. She can’t unsee what she saw.
And I can’t change the things I’ve done.
It isn’t lost on me that this situation with Pepper mirrors what went down with my mom. All I wanted to do was protect the women in my life, the women I loved, and the result was losing their love forever.
As if my ma is telepathically connected to me, she picks that moment to call. I close my eyes, my thumb hovering over the ‘reject call’ button.
Nah, I can’t do it to her. I answer, “Hey, Ma.”
“Tony. How are you?”
“Eh. Hanging in there. How about you?”
“Are you still spending time with that singer? Pepper Heart? She’s such a pretty girl. I keep looking at this picture of the two of you that you sent over. It’s so sweet.”
The gaping hole in my chest widens to Grand Canyon proportions. I rub my head. “No, Ma. Something happened, actually.” I never talk to my mom about real stuff. Not about my job, my life, anything. We keep to the weather and what we ate for dinner. But for some reason, it all comes spilling out now. Maybe there’s too much to keep in. The dam won’t hold.
“What happened?” my mom demands.
“Well,” I draw a breath. Am I actually thinking about telling her the truth? It seems crazy, and yet the only thing to do. “I felt like her life was in danger. And I did what I had to do. Kinda like what happened with you, once. Do you know what I mean?”
“Oh, Tony.” My mom’s voice chokes. In all the years since it happened, she and I have never talked about that night. “Is she all right? Are you all right?”
“Yeah, Ma. We’re safe. But she… well, she’s done with me. I went too far.”
I hear my mom stifling a sob. Madonna. Have I ever seen her cry since that night? I don’t think I have.
I drop my elbows to my knees, pressing the phone against my ear. “Ma, I’m sorry.” I lower my voice. “I know you didn’t necessarily want rescuing, and uh, I know you can’t really forgive me for what I did that night.”
My mom sniffs, but her voice comes out strong. “What are you talking about? Forgive you? For saving our lives? What is there to forgive? I just can’t forgive myself.”
It’s my turn to sound dumbfounded. “For what, Ma?”
I hear stifled sobs. “For not leaving him. Not getting us out of that situation. My fourteen-year-old boy shouldn’t have had to sell his soul to the devil because I was too big a coward to take care of him.”
Fuck I wish I was there to hold her. “Ma, no,” I soothe. “I made that choice on my own. It’s on me. And it hasn’t turned out that bad. The devil’s locked up. I’m running a casino now. It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m a businessman.”
“Well,” she sniffs, seeming to cheer up. “So what are you going to do about your girlfriend?”
“I don’t know, Ma. I don’t think there’s anything I can do.”
“You were never one to shrink from a challenge. You’ll figure something out, Tony. She’ll realize you only had her best interests in mind.”
“I don’t think so, Ma. But thanks.”
“Well, if you do, I’m going to fly out there to see her show.”
I nearly laugh from shock. “What?”
“You heard me. When you get back together with Pepper Heart, I’m going to come and see her show at your casino. I want to meet her.”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. “That would be great, Ma. Thanks.”
“I love you, Tony.”
“I love you, too.”
I hang up, the scab I’ve carried for my entire adult life scraped off and raw. But definitely on the mend.
I hear footsteps walking behind the stage. Stupidly, for one instant, I think I’m going to see Pepper up there.
Instead, I find the blue-haired stage manager walking past, muttering something. She jumps and shrieks when she sees me. “Oh.” She’s afraid of me, like most people are. She holds up a sweatshirt. “Just came back for this.”
I grunt and she starts to walk away, then stops and pivots. “What went wrong with you and Pepper?”
I cock a brow. The question is too intrusive and I’m too raw to entertain it. But then again, this woman is the only connection I have to Pepper right now. I rub the back of my neck. “She couldn’t stomach my job.”