Twelve Months of Kristal: 50 Loving States Maine

“It’s a workshop,” I correct, my voice small and miserable.

Hayato shakes his head at me, his handsome features a tight grimace of disbelief. “Why? Why are you choosing that life over the one I could give you?”

Okay…

I was trying to keep my reasons for returning to my job at the workshop a secret. I had wanted to keep the mood of our relationship light and carefree.

But now, it’s beyond obvious that what was supposed to be a shallow twelve days has plunged into a much deeper emotional pool. The truth is, I overstand the frustration he’s feeling. I’m in deeper than I wanted to be, too. Way, way deeper.

“You deserve the truth. So I’m going to tell you —“

“Touchan! Touchan! Look at us, Touchan. We’re up here! We’re up here!”

The cries of Dallas and Montana rip us from our intense conversation.

I look down from the beautiful rooftop just in time to see a man climb out of a dark suburban much like the one that dropped us off here yesterday. Touchan…that must mean father in Japanese. For the man below looks just as happy to see Dallas and Montana as they do him.

“I couldn’t stand spending New Year without you, so I hired a car to drive me here from Portland last night!” he calls up to his family, a wide smile splitting his handsome face.

This must be Norio, Hayato’s brother. My heart rises with cheer at the prospect of getting to meet him before we leave…

Right before my head fills with white noise. The compulsion to draw cramps my stomach and tingles up my arm. Hard. Harder than it ever has before.

“Don’t.” That one word, harsh and angry, breaks through the loud static inside my head.

And when I look away from Norio, I find Hayato staring at me, his expression filled with censure…and anger.

“I’m sorry,” I answer, my voice cracking with sorrow.

Then I rush away before he can tell me not to do what I have to do again. I find my sketchbook exactly where I left it. In my backpack, at the foot of the bed where Hayato and I made love this morning.

And it was love. True Love. As much as I had tried to deny it before, I know exactly what I’m going to lose as I sit down on the edge of the bed and begin to draw.

What I had with Hayato won’t survive this. I know that as I draw. And I know it even more clearly when the two faces emerge…on two separate pieces of sketchbook paper…but exactly the same.

I blink. I blink at the twin drawings so hard.

If not for the usual compulsion to hand the sketches over to the people who would soon lose someone important to them, I might still be sitting on that bed, not quite believing my eyes. But this so-called gift Santa gave me works the same way every time.

Just a few minutes after I’m done drawing, I make my way downstairs.

Everyone’s in the kitchen now, drinking coffee and orange juice and chatting happily. The smell of pancakes wafts in the air. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen such a cheery scene outside of Santa’s workshop.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much for destroying their happy peace. But I have to.

Norio stands up from the same kitchen counter I sat at yesterday when he sees me approaching. “You must be Kristal.”

He’s already smiling as if he’s been waiting to meet me for a very long time. Maybe he has. Maybe like Lilli and Tasha, he never thought he’d see the day when Hayato brought somebody home.

I feel like the sludge on the workshop floor as I hand him the drawing. The kind of waste we always make sure to launch into space when the gift-making season is done, where no one will ever find it.

“Here,” I mumble. “This is for you.”

I didn’t see Hayato before, but he’s standing right behind his brother now. I grimly hand him his drawing while watching Norio scan the sketch.

“Who is this?” Norio asks, his voice baffled.

Hayato answers before I can. “It’s no one. Just throw it away.”

I want to play along. I want to help Hayato save face. But my elf… I can’t not use my gift, even though I really, really don’t want to.

I can only try to cushion the weirdness with the truth. “I have a gift… This seriously horrible gift that I wish I didn’t have, especially now. But I do have it. So I’ve got to tell you that this is actually a picture of somebody you love. Somebody who will die soon. His name is Jae-Hyun. Hayato and I are going to see him in a few days. And I hope you can come too because he’s a great guy. I’m going to miss him a lot. And if I can’t stop him from dying, the least I can do is bring you to him.”