“Lena? You okay?”
I startled, dropping my hands into my lap and looked up at Kyle Webber, Adam and Meg’s friend. I had known Kyle most of my life and he had always been a big brother figure growing up. But I wasn’t keen on him seeing me like this.
I gave him what I hoped was a sincere smile. “Hey, Kyle. Long time no see.” I noticed he was pushing a stroller. His daughter, Katie, was all bundled up and snoozing comfortably, her thumb in her mouth. “Oh, she’s gotten more beautiful since I last saw her,” I cooed quietly, leaning over to look at her.
Kyle sat down beside me, pulling the stroller in so that it was between us. He tucked her blanket tightly around her and pulled her hat down over her ears. She never stirred. “She’s going to be a heartbreaker. And I’m going to have to break some heads. I see it already.” Kyle’s face lit up with a love that was undeniable.
I tried to imagine Jeremy like that... and I couldn’t.
“She’ll be smart and able to take care of herself. She has the best dad looking out for her.” I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.
He sat back and stretched his legs out in front of him. “So, you want to tell me why you’re at the park in the middle of the day looking like you’re about to cry?”
I hadn’t meant to tell him. I hadn’t meant to tell anyone until I had decided what I was going to do. But the truth poured out of me as if it had a mind of its own.
“I’m pregnant,” I said in a rush.
Kyle looked taken aback. “Um, congratulations…?”
“No, not congratulations. I can’t have a baby. Not now. I just graduated from law school. I’m a first-year associate. This could derail my career. I can’t be a mom. I wouldn’t know how to be a mom. This is such a huge mess.” I started crying. I couldn’t help it. One minute I was talking about the shit show that was my life, the next I was sobbing uncontrollably.
Katie stirred but thankfully didn’t wake up. Kyle scooched over and put his arm around me. I put my head on his shoulder and cried until I didn’t think I had any more tears left. “What am I going to do?” I wept into his shoulder.
Kyle held me tight and his support was keeping me from crumbling. “You’re going to figure it out. Because you’re Marlena Rose Ducate, and you’re smart as hell. You’ll make the best decision for you. Whatever that is.” He sounded so sure of himself. I wished I shared half of his confidence.
“I can’t be a mom, Kyle,” I said, sounding as wretched as I felt.
“No one says you have to be, Lena.” I started crying again, my entire body shaking. I couldn’t believe Katie was sleeping through my noisy wailing. I didn’t care that I was probably making a scene.
After a few minutes, I sat up and wiped my face. Kyle dug a tissue out of the diaper bag he had stashed beneath the stroller. I accepted it gratefully, blowing my nose. I looked at him in a new appreciative wonder. “How did you do it?” I asked him.
“Do what?” He frowned, looking perplexed.
“Be a dad?”
He gave me a half-smile. “It’s not like I had a choice in the matter, you know.”
I shoved the used tissue in my pocket and took another one when Kyle offered it. “You know what I mean. You took it on without any complaints and you’re amazing at it. Did it all just click into place?”
He laughed with obvious amusement. “Hell no. It’s been terrifying and I’ve probably screwed up at least a hundred times. But that’s okay. Because there’s no manual on how to be a parent. You simply get by as best you can and as long as you love them unconditionally and put their best interests first, I don’t see how you can fail. And if you decide to... you know... be a mom... then you’ll do the same.”
I stared down at his daughter sleeping contentedly and believed it was possible to love someone else enough to make it work.
“I don’t mean to be nosy, but what about the dad? Is he in the picture?” Kyle asked.
My stomach clenched again. “He’s in the picture,” I admitted.
“Does he know?”
I shook my head.
“Are you planning to tell him?” I felt Kyle get tense. “Because he should know, Lena. It’s not right to keep it from him.”
I felt myself get defensive. “I’m not telling him anything until I know what I’m going to do. I can’t deal with... he’s not exactly... I’m not telling him yet,” I finally got out.
Kyle took one of his daughter’s mittened hands and held it gently. “I would have been devastated if Josie had kept it from me. I don’t know if I would have ever gotten over it.”