I checked the time on my phone and saw that it was a little after eight. Thinking it was one of my parents that forgot something, I answered the door with a smile on my face, ready to give them a hard time.
“Hi, Marlena.”
My smile dropped instantly, followed by the overwhelming urge to punch something. “What are you doing here?” I demanded.
“Can I come in?” Jeremy asked, his hands shoved into his pockets, the snow got his dark hair wet.
“Fuck no you can’t come in,” I snarled. “You can turn around and crawl back into the hole you came out of.”
He looked good. Better than good. He looked like sex on a stick. He was wearing worn, dark jeans and a fitted blue sweater the same color as his eyes. His puffy winter coat was unzipped, and a plaid scarf dangled around his neck. But I noticed there were dark circles beneath his eyes as if he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in a while. Good. I hoped he’d been sleeping like crap.
“I know I should have come sooner—” he started to say, but I wouldn’t let him complete the sentence.
“Actually, you should have stayed away. For good.” I started to close the door, but he held it open, his arm braced above my head. I backed up, putting distance between us. Unfortunately, my body responded to him the way it always did; I felt a stirring between my legs. My vagina was a traitorous bitch.
“You know I couldn’t stay away. Not from you. Not from—” his eyes lingered on my stomach and I found myself covering it protectively with my hand. “I couldn’t stay away, and you know why.”
I curled my lip in disgust. “You can’t even say it, can you? The baby. You couldn’t stay away because of the baby.” I shook my head. “The fact that your mouth won’t even form the word should be a clear sign that you shouldn’t be here at all.”
The words sounded strong, but I felt anything but. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry all over again. I wanted to hate him with every fiber of my being. But the reality was I couldn’t. I loved him. I loved him so damn much, in spite of his behavior.
What sort of pathetic woman did that make me?
But I would never give in to those emotions. I couldn’t. I could no longer only think about myself. There was a baby inside me that needed me to think with my head and not my heart.
He started to reach out for me, then stopped himself, his fingers curled into a fist. He put his hand back in his pocket and I felt the absence of his touch like physical pain.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been here. There’s nothing I can say or do to make up for the fact that when you needed me, I wasn’t around. I was too busy dealing with my own shit to be there for you. And I can never make that right,” he said, his head hanging.
“I didn’t need you, Jeremy. Don’t flatter yourself,” I spat out. I was being juvenile, but there was something about this man that brought the ridiculous out of me.
Jeremy’s eyes lifted to meet mine and I felt his gaze all the way to my toes. “I know you don’t. That’s one of the thousands of things I love about you.”
That four-letter word dropped like an explosive between us.
“Don’t you dare do that,” I breathed, walking out onto the porch, not caring that it was freezing and snowing, and I was only wearing a thin cotton shirt, pajama pants, and slippers. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
Jeremy backed up an inch as if anticipating a violent reaction. “Don’t I dare what? I’m just telling you the truth. I love so many things about you. And I know you don’t need me. You’re an intelligent, capable, kick-ass woman that doesn’t need a man to take care of her. But, Marlena, I want to take care of you. I want to take care of both of you. You and the baby.”
I started laughing. I sounded slightly hysterical, but I couldn't stop myself. “But are you sure the baby is even yours? You seemed skeptical before.” Then I wasn’t laughing anymore.
Jeremy briefly closed his eyes and looked ashamed. “I wish I hadn’t said that. I didn’t mean it. Not for one second did I think that you had been with anyone else. But, Lena, I was in shock. Words—stupid words, I admit—sort of fell out of my mouth. It’s not an excuse, but an explanation.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, finally feeling the bitter cold. The snow was coming down heavily. I watched it pile up on the porch railing. “I’ve known you for a long time, Jeremy, and I’ve never known words to fall out of your mouth. You’re too smart to speak without thinking.”