“Except when it comes to you, it seems. I can’t think clearly around you at all,” he rushed on. This time he allowed himself to take me by the arms. “I’m not making much of a case for myself here, but I’ve been fucking miserable without you, Marlena. So fucking miserable. I knew I’d messed everything up. I knew you probably hated me, and that tore me up inside. I’m dying here, baby because I can’t imagine a life without you in it. I want to build something with you. For you. And our child.”
I pulled out of his grasp. “Words are cheap, Wyatt. And you may talk a good game, but it doesn’t change that I can’t trust you.”
And there we were. We would always come back around to this one fundamental reality.
Trust.
“I started to let my guard down and believe that you weren’t what I always thought you were,” I began, starting to shiver from the cold. “I saw something in you that made me think ‘this guy is the one.’ I honestly thought that we could be together. For real. That there were true feelings involved. But the second things got rough, you hightailed it out of here.” I didn’t realize I was crying until my cheeks began to sting.
Jeremy tried to wipe them away, but I pushed at his hands. “Don’t touch me. Don’t think you can come over here with some Oscar-worthy speech and it’s all going to be hunky-dory. Because it comes down to the fact that there’s a baby now. And I’ve decided to keep it. Now what that means for you is neither here nor there. I don’t expect anything from you. Not now, not ever.”
“You’re right,” he said softly.
I paused. “Okay?”
Jeremy ran a hand through his hair, sticking it up on end. “I planned to be here, on this porch step the next day. After I wallowed a bit and came to terms with what you announced at the Christmas party, I realized that my feelings were inconsequential. That this was about you and our child. And that baby deserves the best in this world. From you and from me. And I want to be a father to him or her. I’m going to be there for them. And for you. The two of you are my entire world.”
My teeth were starting to chatter. Jeremy, realizing I was freezing, immediately took off his coat and wrapped it around my shoulders. I should have thrown it back at him, but I was cold, so I didn’t. “Okay, you had this dawning realization and then you what? Where were you then? Because you definitely weren’t here.”
Jeremy’s eyes were glassy, and I tried not to be swayed by the emotion evident in his beautiful face. “I got shaved and showered and was heading to your place when I got a call from my mom.” He looked for a moment like a lost little boy and I imagined this was what he looked like as a child. “You remember what I told you about my parents and my dad and how he’d leave her and come back over and over again, just to keep her dependent on him?”
I nodded. Remembering with aching clarity how he opened himself to me, revealing the wounded parts.
“Well, my mom kicked my dad out. She actually did it. She’s been seeing a counselor and finally got the courage to do what I have been wanting her to do for years.” His smile was so happy, I couldn’t help but melt a little.
“That’s wonderful, Jeremy. I’m so glad to hear that,” I found myself saying.
“She asked me to come home for Christmas.” His joy was evident. “I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed the holidays. Mom and I spent so much time together, catching up. I helped her change the locks and fill out paperwork for a restraining order. Not your typical Christmas traditions, but they made both of us feel pretty damn good.”
“Did you see your dad at all?” I asked him.
“Only once.” His face clouded over. “I went to the store to pick up some stuff for Christmas dinner and he was in the booze aisle, of course. Already three sheets to the wind.” His mouth twisted with rage. “He never acknowledged me. Not even when I said his name. He looked at me as if he didn’t know me.” Even though he clearly detested his father, I could still see the hurt there.
“Jeremy…”
“It’s okay. Really. I don’t want that man in my life. He’s been dead to me for years.” He smiled again, even as tears started to drip down his face. “And I knew then that I would never be the kind of father that my child would grow to hate. That even though I’m scared out of my mind that I’ll screw everything up, I’ll love this baby with everything I have. That I will make up for all the shit in my own childhood and make sure she or he never doubts that I love them.”