Not My Daughter

Milly gives a small smile. ‘Not really, Anna. It’s quite invasive, from what Meghan said. I can’t imagine doing it myself, knowing there was a child out there that looked like me, that was mine in some way… not that it’s a possibility now. Obviously.’

‘Still, I don’t think it’s like that.’ I’m not sure why I’m being so stubborn. I don’t know the first thing about egg donation.

‘Perhaps not, but with the waiting list and the expense… I’m not sure it’s really viable for us.’ Milly shrugs, and I sip my wine.

An idea is forming in my head, taking shape like an elegant sculpture emerging from the mess of damp, wet clay, but I know I need to think about it. I certainly shouldn’t blab it out to Milly right now, when she’s feeling so raw and I don’t have all the facts.

But this is Milly, my best friend, the one person in the world who has been there for me, time and again. I picture her in year seven, shouting at some mean girls poised to bully me. I remember her in year nine, when someone wrote something rude about me in the boys’ toilet – completely unwarranted at the time – and she marched in there and covered it with Tippex. And then I recall how she found me at my absolutely lowest point, how she rescued me from the depths of my own despair, and never asked any questions, because I couldn’t bear to give her the answers.

‘What if you didn’t have to go on the waiting list?’ I blurt, knowing I should think through this first, but unable to stop myself.

She stares at me blankly for a second, before her eyes narrow. ‘What do you mean?’

I hesitate, knowing I shouldn’t be suggesting such a thing so soon, without doing any research, without thinking about how it might affect me or Milly, but I feel in the depths of my being that this is the right thing to do. For Milly. And maybe even for me. ‘You said you can go privately with these things, right?’ A cautious shrug is her assent. I can tell she still doesn’t know where I am going with this, and I wonder if I do, really. And yet I keep talking, because for once I can make it right for Milly. For once I can be the one who rescues. ‘If you have someone who is willing to donate an egg, you don’t have to wait – or pay. Right?’

Milly stares at me for a long moment, and I know she is starting to realise what I am getting at. She is beginning to see the sculpture. ‘Right,’ she says slowly. ‘In theory.’

‘Well, that would be something, wouldn’t it? I mean, if you wanted to go down that route…?’

Milly leans forward, a new urgency lighting her eyes. ‘What exactly are you suggesting, Anna?’

‘I could give you… an egg.’ It makes me sound ridiculous, like a chicken. ‘If you wanted.’

Milly stares at me hard, her expression almost fierce. ‘Do you really mean that?’

Do I? I’m not even sure what it might entail, how I would feel, and yet… ‘Yes. Of course I do, Milly.’

‘But…’ She shakes her head slowly. ‘It’s an invasive procedure, Anna – weeks of hormone injections, monitoring, all sorts. I understood that much from what Dr Finlay said.’

‘I can manage that.’ I feel as if I’ve just catapulted myself into the deep end, the water closing in over my head, but I don’t regret it.

Milly’s eyes fill with tears and she shakes her head again. ‘That’s so, so kind of you, Anna. I mean it. But it’s not something we should decide right this second. I’d be asking a lot of you, and I don’t mean the injections. It’s such a big thing, for both of us. A really big thing. Bigger even than, I don’t know, a kidney or something.’

‘Technically,’ I joke, ‘a kidney is bigger than an egg by quite a bit.’

‘Yes, but… you know what I mean. DNA. A baby.’ She bites her lip. ‘That’s big. It would have… repercussions. Emotionally, I mean. It’s not something to jump into.’

A baby. The words reverberate through me and I have to look away. Yes, that’s big. I know that more than Milly will ever realise, and it’s another reason to say yes. One that Milly will never understand, and I will never explain it to her.

So I just smile and squeeze her hand. ‘You’re right, of course. We should both think about it, do some research. Know what we’re getting into. But the offer is there. I’d be honoured to do this for you, Milly.’

She smiles back at me, tremulously, and I push away any niggling doubts as I realise I mean every word. I want this. For Milly… and for me.

Three

Milly

My mind is racing as I drive home from being with Anna, and I feel a surprising rush of something close to elation, so unexpected after the despair and grief of earlier.

I hadn’t got my head around the various options yet; I hadn’t even begun to think of a way forward for our wanted family… and now, when everything had felt closed off and impossible, Anna has just thrown open a door. All I need to do is walk through it. It can be that simple… can’t it?

Matt is sprawled on the sofa, watching something mindless on Channel Four, when I come in, dropping my bag by the door. I still have some lesson planning to do for tomorrow, but I push it aside for now. This can’t wait, although part of me knows that it probably should, at least until I’ve done some research, thought about it a little. But I am buoyant with hope, alive with possibility, and I need to share that with Matt.

He glances up as I come into the sitting room. ‘How was Anna?’

‘Good.’ Although we didn’t actually talk about anything in her life. A pinprick of guilt needles me; I should have asked her about her job. I usually do, and Anna offers up a few details with some reluctance; she has always been an intensely private person. But tonight it was all about me.

‘And how are you?’ Matt asks, his voice gentling as he gives me a look of sympathy.