Not My Daughter

‘I’m doing okay, Matt.’ I sit on the edge of the sofa, tense and expectant. After nine years of marriage, I’m used to this dynamic: I race ahead with the plans, and sometimes I forget to bring Matt along with me, emotionally as well as physically. I’ve had to learn how to ease him in gently to my ideas – buying this house, putting himself forward for a promotion at work, trying for a baby. It takes him a little while, but Matt usually goes along with me in the end. And when he doesn’t, I try to slow down and rethink my plans, because I know I can be a bit impulsive, a little too recklessly determined. Matt tones me down and I liven him up; we complement each other. What we have works. And, in any case, this was Anna’s idea, not mine. I can at least float it by him.

‘Good. I’m glad you’re okay.’ He reaches for my hand, but they are pressed between my knees and so he ends up just resting his hand on my thigh. I smile, and he raises his eyebrows. ‘What, Milly?’ he asks, because he knows me so well.

‘So, I told Anna everything about, you know, today, and she came up with an idea.’ The words feel clumsy, the possibility too overwhelming to explain it in a simple sentence. I can barely take it in myself. Anna’s egg. My baby.

‘An idea?’ Matt prompts, his eyebrows still raised.

‘Do you remember what Dr Finlay – Meghan – said about using an egg donor, and IVF?’

‘A bit…’ He looks cautious, a little confused.

‘Anna’s offered to be our donor. It means we can skip the waiting lists, the expense of going privately. I could be pregnant in a couple of months, maybe even less.’ I am practically gabbling in my excitement.

Matt leans back against the sofa, his hand sliding off my leg. ‘That’s a big decision, Mills. And one I don’t think we should jump into.’

I fight a sense of deflation,

even anger, at Matt’s understandable caution. Couldn’t he be the littlest bit excited? ‘I know that,’ I say steadily, ‘and I said the same thing to Anna. But the offer is there.’

‘Had she even thought about it, before she offered?’

‘Yes…’ Although I’m not sure she did. How could she have?

‘For a couple of minutes?’ He sounds so sceptical, and can I even blame him? Yet the more I think and talk about it, the more right it seems. Fitting, because Anna and I are best friends, almost like sisters.

‘Obviously she hasn’t thought about it in extensive detail,’ I say. ‘And we’re not going to make any decisions right now, Matt. But I wanted you to know. It’s a possibility. That’s all.’

‘Still, I don’t even know the first thing about egg donation or IVF. I can’t agree to something I don’t even understand.’

‘Why don’t we look it up?’

‘Right now?’ He looks startled.

‘Why not?’ Matt seems reluctant, and I feel a flicker of impatience, even hurt. ‘Look, it’s what it sounds like. We get Anna’s egg and it’s inseminated.’ Although I’m not sure if that’s the right terminology. Inseminated? Fertilised? ‘They make a baby in a test tube,’ I clarify, ‘and then they implant the embryo in me.’

And then I will be pregnant. The words feel magical now, a shimmering promise I can almost touch with my fingertips. Maybe it won’t be my DNA, but it will still be my baby. I will nurture him or her inside me; I will give birth. I will be a mother to my child. It’s the shining, silver lining to this otherwise towering cloud.

‘Okay,’ Matt says after a long moment. ‘I understand that. But how does Anna feel about it? Has she even thought about what it would mean?’

‘Not all the repercussions, not yet, and neither have I. We’re starting to think about it, Matt. That’s the point.’

Slowly he shakes his head, like the pendulum of a clock, back and forth. ‘I’m not sure I want to put Anna in that position.’

I prickle at that; he makes it sound as if I pushed her into it. ‘She offered, Matt. And what position are you implying, exactly?’

‘I’m not implying anything.’ Wearily, he rakes a hand through his hair. ‘But Anna would do just about anything for you, Milly. You know that.’

It sounds like an accusation, as if it’s an aspect of our friendship I’ve abused, but I know I would do anything for her too. I fold my arms, feeling stubborn. ‘So why not this?’

‘Because this is in a whole other category than housesitting or watering our plants or whatever. Come on, Milly. You know that.’

‘Yes, and I also know that Anna is my best friend, and I love her like a sister, as she loves me. Who else would offer? Who else would we ask? Who would we trust?’

‘What about me?’ Matt bursts out. ‘Did you even think about that? How I would feel, raising Anna’s baby as our own?’

‘It’s not like that, Matt,’ I fire back, even though I was thinking along similar lines back at the wine bar. ‘Honestly, it’s practically like giving blood.’ I echo Anna’s words, even though I don’t believe them entirely. ‘It would be our baby. I’d give birth. Genetics aren’t that important, you know.’

‘I know that, but do you?’ He straightens to look at me levelly. ‘Why not adopt?’ The words hover in the air and then drop into the stillness. I look away.