Chicks, Man

“Levi?”

My head whips up, seeking out her slate blue eyes. Her voice sounds pained. “Do you need something?” I pounce up from my chair. “Anything. Just tell me. I’ll go grab—”

Her hand squeezes mine, her eyes locking on me. “No, please don’t leave me.”

I nod, sitting back down. “Of course. I’ll never leave you again.” Her eyes search for something in mine, and it sets fire to the torch of nerves inside me. “What do you need? Whatever it is, I’ll get—”

“You. I just need you.” Her voice is filled with such emotion, it steals my breath. “Where have you been?” It’s then her voice cracks and her own tears begin to fall.

“Oh, Han, I’ve been here. I’ve been trying to get to you.” I’m brought back into the shadows of my guilt. I should have gotten to her sooner. If I would have listened…

Her lips quiver. “I know you don’t want this anymore, but I don’t want to be alone.” She clamps her eyes shut, fighting the tears that still manage to escape through her thick lashes. I squeeze harder, needing her to know, feel, see.

“Hannah Constance Matthews…”

Her eyes, still weak, manage to widen. “You know my middle name?”

This causes a much-needed smile to form. “Kip and I came home one night from a party and you and your mom were in the kitchen in a heated argument. You hated your middle name and insisted your mom submit a change of name to the county records. She wouldn’t, and you swore the day you became of age, you were going to change it. Hannah Constance Matthews, if I remember.”

“How…I was like eight. How do you—?”

“Because I notice everything about you. I just needed reminding.” I reach forward, not giving away the shooting pain in my back, and brush a wild strand of hair behind her ear. “I wish I could take back so many things. Starting when you were seven. But I’ll start with what I said at the office that day. I should have never…god, I feel like I have a lot of sentences that are going to start with I should have never…”

I feel like I’m fucking this up before I even get started. “I should have never let you believe I wanted out. I panicked. And I took the coward way out. It wasn’t about you. It was about your dad and his disappointment in me—”

“Levi—”

“No, let me finish, okay? I spent the first few years of my life without understanding or feeling what love meant. What it felt like. I met a boy who shared a pack of chips with me and my world changed. I was welcomed into a home full of warmth and happiness. It was clean and safe. From there, I spent the coming years building this life with a family I pretended was my own. Those years with your dad were the most important years of my life. He gave me something I didn’t even realize I needed: love. He loved me as his own.” Her tears cause me to break. I lift my hand to wipe at her cheek.

“That day, the disappointment in your father’s eyes broke me. I had virtually let down the only father figure I’ve known, whether I caused it or not. The way his contempt ate at me, it killed me. In return, I said things I didn’t mean.”

“I would have never made those errors.”

The fact that she still sees the need to defend her actions guts me. “I know. I would have made a mistake before you. And I did. I didn’t trust you.” She opens her mouth to argue, but I stop her. “I did so much wrong with you, Hannah. I shouldn’t have done what I did with you in that supply closet.” Her eyes dull at my comment. “Our firsts should have been something better than that. You deserve better than that.” Hannah begins to speak, but her coughing interrupts. I reach forward to grab her water, helping her with the straw. “Just rest, you don’t need to—”

“No, it’s my turn to talk.” And this is where she breaks my heart. I hold her hand, memorizing the feel of her soft skin underneath mine, preparing for this to be the last time she may allow me to touch her. “I do,” she starts, and the first crack slices through my heart. “And so do you. I stole a piece of you that night. I was selfish and uncaring to your feelings. The consequences. I didn’t think past a lifelong fantasy. But what I won’t do is apologize for it. You may not have realized it, but you gave me something that night in the closet. You allowed me to finally feel alive. To finally understand what it felt like to just let go and feel.” She pulls her hand back to swipe at a loose tear. “I may have grown up in a house filled with love, a loving family, loving brother, but the love I’ve felt since that night, it’s…it’s made me feel more alive than I could have ever imagined. I may have loved you from afar my whole life, but loving you up close has been like nothing I could have ever imagined.”