Chicks, Man

When I’m finally standing, I need a minute to catch my breath. “You sure this is a good idea? You look like shit.”

My hands reach out, using his shoulders for support. “I need to see her. I need to see for myself she’s okay.” He stares at me with understanding and nods. He guides me to the door before stopping and facing me.

“You should know…she didn’t remember anything at first. It took her some time, and she took it hard. She’s been in and out, mainly due to the doc putting her back under. She’s lost it a few times and it’s been pretty fucking scary.” His confession pierces my heart, splitting open all my fears and searing all my hopes. My biggest hope is she’s a fighter. My worst fear is this will break her spirit. The unstoppable, ironclad Hannah Matthews who doesn’t let anyone get through her armor. “Hey…it’s going to be okay. She’ll get through this.”

I want to collapse and lose myself in the darkness of my own thoughts. What if she can’t look at me after this? I heard some of the report. The tirade Connor went on about me taking her from him. I did this. He repeated it over and over once he came to. What if she believes that and there’s no longer room in her heart to forgive me? What if she only sees the horror of her journey when she sees me? “I need to fucking see her, man,” I beg my best friend. The only one who would understand.

Nothing else is spoken between us as he helps me down the hallway, past the seven rooms that separate us. We reach her room, and he gives me a moment to catch my breath and gather myself.

My heart beats heavily, and the fear of rejection threatens to take me to my knees. I inhale a deep breath and allow Kip to knock on her door. No one says anything, and I’m thankful when her parents excuse themselves, claiming a strong need for coffee. Kip settles me in the chair by her bedside and tells me he’s going to find Stacey to give me a moment.

It’s not until everyone leaves that I bring my eyes to her. She’s asleep. Her hair is matted by the thin bandage around her head. A small chuckle leaves my lips imagining her making some snarky comment about the bandage being made of steel to keep her wild hair in place.

Once the laugher subsides, the tears come. I fight to stay strong, but I can’t. Seeing her lay here, so broken, and being unable to help her kills me. I sit by her side and grab her hand, spreading kisses across her fragile skin. I inhale a breath for strength and start babbling.

“It was the year Kip and I graduated from college. Your parents threw us a huge graduation party. You showed up in this insanely obnoxious, sparkly dress. Chase kept fucking with you until you ended up changing into a skirt and tank top. For a slip of a second, I thought you looked stunning in it.”

I take a deep breath and continue. “You asked me if I ever noticed you. Your eighteenth birthday family dinner. Your mom made you your favorite cake, which was still The Little Mermaid with vanilla cake and strawberry filling. You had been so embarrassed, and I heard you argue with your mom that it made you look childish. Later that night, I busted you on your computer Googling when boobs developed because you had yet to blossom. The blush in your cheeks was so fucking adorable. I noticed you.”

My eyes drift up to her face. “Kip’s wedding, I told myself I didn’t notice you. But I did. I studied the curve of your neck and the shape of your heart-shaped lips. Fuck, I shocked my own damn self. To be honest, if I had put more thought into that night, I may have even figured out it was you while we were in the closet. The way you fit perfectly in my arms, against me, your lips…their shape was like a perfect puzzle piece against my own.”

I stop to wipe at my tears.

“I’ve had so much fucking loss. So many people in my life have let me down. But then came you. This perfect little spitfire girl who’s actually been there my whole life. And you, without a doubt, showed me how it felt to feel alive. You reached parts of me I never knew were shut off. And that was the problem,” I choke on my words. “I didn’t expect you. I didn’t know…”

I have to stop to catch my breath, my lungs still healing. “I never knew what this felt like. Us. True love. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.” My head rests on her bedside, hiding my weakness as the tears fall. “Please give me another chance, because I haven’t even begun to show you how much I truly notice you. See you.” Another wracked sob breaks my chest in half. “For Christ’s sake, I knew it was you who took my hoodie. I caught you dancing with it one night in your room. I could have watched you all night, the smile on my face as you talked to it. After that, I knew I’d never ask for it back or ask who took it. Because I knew…I knew it was in good hands. So, you see? It’s taken me too fucking long to realize it, but I’ve always noticed you. And now, I don’t ever want to stop. Please…please come back to me and give me another—”