After ten minutes passed, only the forest sounds surrounded me. I casually moseyed out into the backyard. Mom and I had a garden out back. As long as anyone didn’t see me coming out of the trees, they would assume I was making sure all was okay before heading in for the night. My eyes casted down slightly as they darted back and forth, making sure I was still alone. The fabric of my apron provided a good distraction for my fingers and nervous energy.
I let out a small breath of relief as I made it to the chicken wire that surrounded our garden. The heat of the August sun had nearly withered it gone. Mom and I had been trying to keep it watered, but we were to be sparing with the use of water. The rain today was already causing it to perk back to life. The garden was about ten feet long and had four rows. All families were expected to grow food and contribute to the common wealth of our community.
For my normal nightly routine, I walked the perimeter of the chicken wire to make sure the fence was intact. Working in the garden was a pastime Mom and I both enjoyed.
A lone tear fell down my face as I remembered the quiet laughs we had in here. To outright express an enormous amount of emotion was to waste the burning light within us. All things were to be done in moderation. I had to constantly remind myself of that.
Had those moments in the garden been a glimpse of my mom before this place? Is that why she broke so many rules like continuing to educate me in secret?
The rain drizzled. I turned to head into the house I had known as home for as long as I could remember. The black door was in pristine order, like all other doors in The Society. Every house was white with black doors. The Keeper had said the houses were to be white to keep our communi
ty pure from the color that threatened to taint us like the rest of the world. The black represented the sin that tried to get in and ruin our way of life. Lies. All of it had been lies.
I stepped inside and closed the door, removing my bonnet and hanging it on the hanger, thankful that no one would be by tonight. Looking at myself in the mirror, which every house in The Society had to ensure one was presentable before going outside, I looked haggard. My green eyes were dulled and hollowed.
All I wanted to do was throw the mirror and shatter it like my heart felt.
I pushed my damp, light-red hair off my face and leaned against the door, turning away from the haunting reflection that stared back at me. My eyes closed shut for a moment as I centered myself and took a deep breath.
If I chose to look at the letter my mom left, my life would be altered more than it currently was. If I didn’t, I would be wed to John tomorrow and treated as nothing more than a baby maker. When the time was right, I had hoped The Light would grant Matthew and me permission to marry. He was the only person who got me—or the me that I had let him see so far. But if that was what Matthew wanted to talk about tomorrow, was it the right time?
My head throbbed. The one thing I wanted, I couldn’t have—to crawl in bed with my mom while I asked her endless questions about what I should do. It was against the Keeper’s command to waste time thinking on anything that wasn’t productive. All thoughts were to be used for betterment of The Society. That was hard for me as I constantly desired to learn more.
I thought back on the last minutes with my mom.
Candles were lit on every surface, letting The Light know my mom neared the end. It was a haunting site. The Keeper’s raspy voice broke the silence. “Anita, your light has shown bright and will live on in Sarah. You will continue to burn bright in the light hereafter.”
My mom closed her eyes in acknowledgment. Speech had stopped hours ago as it exhausted her.
A week ago, she started not feeling well. We tried all of the herbal remedies, but she never got better. It was a mysterious disease that took one to two people every year from our group. The sickness started as an extreme headache and quickly turned to excessive vomiting.
Now, not seven days later, she lay in her bed dying and my world was falling apart.
The Keeper laid his hand on top of Mom’s and looked at me. His steel-colored beady eyes made me feel queasy. “Sarah, we shall give you a few minutes alone with your mom as time is coming. We shall all be downstairs.” A tear seeped from my mom’s eye. She appeared as scared as I felt. How was I going to survive here without her? As soon as we were left alone, I lunged toward my mom’s bed as I allowed the fear of the situation to take root in my mind.
“Mom, please don’t leave me. I can’t bear to think of a world that you’re not in. You’re my everything,” I sobbed.
My mom’s hand shook as it came to my face. Her fingernails had become dry, cracked and discolored. The herbalist said it was from lack of nutrition since my mom couldn’t keep anything down. I leaned into the touch before she had to drop her hand while I tried to memorize what it felt like to be near her—warm and loving.
She softly spoke, “Sarah, I should have told you sooner, but we haven’t been alone since I got sick. The truth is in an envelope in the bottom of the locked chest in the attic. The key is hidden underneath your nightstand. There’s not much time.”
I became desperate. “Mom, please don’t go.” A sob erupted. “Please. Please.”
Her eyes closed. “Shh…sweetheart. I thought I had more time to prepare. You’re not going to understand what I’m about to say, but it’s the truth. Your real name is Kenzie Brooks. If you want a choice and a say in your life, read the letter. Your inquisitive mind belongs in the world.”
My heart raced frantically. Kenzie Brooks. I’m Sarah. The world. Choice. Life. Those words were jumbled in my head as my mom’s breathing became more labored. My breathing increased while panic took over. “Mom, please. I don’t know what you’re saying. I don’t understand.”
We spoke in hushed whispers. “Kenzie, I love you. You are the light in my world. I’m so sorry for the choices I made, but know that I have loved you with my entire heart. Never doubt that.”
Mom stopped and took a few breaths. These were moments I was supposed to treasure, not be told secrets that would change my life more than it was. I wanted to argue with her, but she didn’t have much time. Her hand got colder. These were the last moments I would ever have with my mom. I wasn’t prepared to be left alone. I wasn’t strong enough to survive without her.
She continued, her voice growing weaker. “Regardless of what you think of my decision, know that I loved you. I tried to do what was best for you.”
Closing her eyes for a moment, they fluttered open as I spoke, “I love you, Mom. I will love you regardless of what the letter says. Know that. Always know that I’ll never stop loving you.”
“You’re so strong, my sweet Kenzie.” Mom’s eyes fully closed. A few more breaths followed, then she exhaled her last breath.
She was gone. Forever.