Nothing could ever have prepared me for anything that’d happened to me in the last two weeks, or the overwhelming love I’d feel for the two babies I’d carried and felt kick. But no words would ever be able to describe the emotions that hit me as Hendrix fed properly from me for the first time, and how it felt as he did it.
I didn’t take my eyes off him as he fed. I memorized every noise, every long and contented exhale, every slow blink, and every swipe of Taras’s thumb across his forehead as he continued to feed.
“Normally,” he whispered, his eyes on Hendrix, “you’d swap to the other breast. But, because you have another baby, he can finish on this one.”
I hadn’t even thought about that, even though I’d been wondering if Walker would be able to latch on, but it made sense.
All too soon, he turned away, finally full.
“I’ll take him and burp him while you try Walker on the other side. If there are any problems, I’m right here,” he reassured me, and we achieved the transfer of the babies without any fumbling, like we’d been doing it for years instead of just for the first time.
Copying what I’d done with his brother, I swiped my nipple over his lips a couple of times. No matter what I did, he just kept rooting around, and was getting more distressed when he couldn’t latch on.
Crouching down again, Taras adjusted so that Hendrix was in one arm, and then lifted his free hand to turn Walker’s head in my direction gently.
“Now try it. If I hold his head still, he can’t miss it.”
This time, he latched on immediately, and that’s when the tears started falling. I’d fed my babies from me for the first time ever. No bottle, just me.
“Taras,” I whimpered, doing my best not to disturb the baby happily feeding.
“It’s ok, malysh. It’s good to feel emotions like this and to be this happy about something so important. You’re feeding them yourself now.”
Closing my eyes, I felt like something raw inside me had healed.
If I was honest, I was scared about being a parent. I’d never spent a lot of time around babies and kids, so I didn’t know what to do. Everything I’d read told me it would come to me naturally, like the ability to mother was instinctual and would just turn itself on.
I still had my doubts it was true, but not being able to breastfeed them—something, it seemed pretty much every mother could do—had made my anxiety worse.
But as I fed my son, the other one asleep in his dad’s arm, the darkness that I didn’t even realize had surrounded me suddenly had a light at the end of it.
And it was all thanks to Taras.
Chapter Fourteen
Taras
I didn’t want to leave Nell at the hospital, but my dad called the meeting, so I’d had to.
Walking into the large conference room in his house with Dmitri beside me, I saw my best friend standing next to my cousin. Vadim was watching everyone as they entered with eyes that didn’t miss anything. Beside him, Valka did the same thing, smirking when she saw us.
Crossing the room to them, I stopped when a face I hadn’t seen in a year peeked around from behind Vadim’s back.
Our little sister, Anastassya.
“Stassy?”
“Don’t tell me you don’t recognize me,” she snickered as she rushed up and hugged me as hard as she could. “It’s only been a year.”
“A year’s way too long, Stassy.” And I meant it.
“Don’t get too used to seeing me, though. Dad’s sending me to stay with some friends after this. He’s worried the bad guy giving you hell will use me against you if I stay.”
“Then we’ll have to make sure we resolve the issue quickly.”
Pulling her away from me, Dmitri lifted her and swung her around. “It’s good to see you, Stass.”
She’d been in Russia for a year, helping our aunt out with the launch of a fashion line. In that time, we’d spoken by FaceTime and text daily, but nothing beat being able to see her.
While Dmitri was distracted, Vadim and Valka skirted them and walked up to me, my cousin hugging me, and Vadim shaking my hand.
“It’s fucking great to see you both,” I told them as I released his hand. “It’s been way too long.”
“A lot can change even in a short space of time, my friend,” Vadim muttered, his eyes on the people arriving behind me before they shifted to mine. “And I hear congratulations are in order.”
“Times two,” Valka added with a wink.
“Actually times three,” Stassy snickered as they joined us. “Seeing as how they didn’t come from that bitch.”
Vadim’s eyes narrowed on mine, and I read the message in them clearly—yes, I needed his help.
The sound of loud clapping interrupted the conversations in the room, and everyone moved to face my father as he stood in the middle of the room.