Fill Me (Rouse Me 3)

"Why do you think that?"

"Because you will."

I fight a sigh, racking my brain to figure out some way I can convince her I'm not going anywhere.

"Have I ever gotten scared and run away?" I ask.

"No..." She shrinks further into herself. This is only going to put her further on the defensive.

"You don't have to talk to me, but I'd really appreciate it if you did."

"But it's too ugly. It's too much."

"Not for me," I say. "There's no part of you that's too ugly for me. I don't care how deeply you repress things, how ugly you think they are. You're wrong. I love you, every part of you, even the ones that hurt, even the ones that you hide from me."

"You have no idea..."

"But I want to have an idea. I want to know everything about you."

She takes a deep breath, her chest rising dramatically. "You'll think less of me."

"I won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're everything to me, Ally. You're the honey in my tea."

"You drink your tea black."

"And it's okay like that, but it's better with honey. My life is so much better, so much sweeter when you're around."

Her gaze turns towards the camera, towards me. "That's cheesy."

"I know."

She presses her lips together and nods. "Okay. But I don't know where to start."

"Why did you really skip lunch?"

"It was an accident the first time. I was too busy. But then I liked it. It felt familiar. Comfortable." She presses her fingers together. "I know it's stupid. I've been in recovery a long time. And I didn't even usually restrict. But everything with this play is so overwhelming and every time I try to tell you how scared I am, you tell me I can do it."

"Because you can."

"But that doesn't make me feel any less terrified," she says.

"Tell me about it."

"I fight this panic when I get to rehearsals. I want to lock myself in the bathroom. I'm so out of my league and I've never done anything like this. Not on this scale. I can't get on stage. Not in front of two thousand people who are waiting for me to fail."

"It must be miserable to feel like that," I say.

She nods. "I really don't know if I can do this, but how am I supposed to function with all of this doubt drowning me? I can't."

"You can't run away from it."

"I have to. That's the only way I can get through this."

"I know you hate when I try and play therapist."