Her expression fell and her shoulders dropped. She pulled up her dress to cover her breasts and tugged down her skirt. “I don’t understand, Noah. You didn’t want me to go out with Ethan. You were worried about me when I got hurt. You called me baby and said you didn’t want it to end. Those are the words and actions of a man—”
“Who’s really fucked up,” he interrupted, the words tasting like bitter acid as they fell off his tongue. “Those were the words and actions of a man who’s been using you, who put his selfish need to feel better, to feel something, above what you needed and deserved. Those were the words and actions of a man with some unforgivably piss poor impulse control.”
“Stop trying to push me away,” she said, her voice strained, eyes glassy. And the threat of her tears broke his fucking heart. But better for her to have a little pain now than to have major heartache later, because with the way he was right now, that’s all he’d ever be good for.
Pain. Disappointment. Failure.
“I’m no good for you,” he said, the shattered pieces of his heart cutting him up on the inside, leaving him broken and bleeding. “It’s time for you to face it. I’m not the man I used to be. He’s gone.” The admission coiled his anger tighter, unleashing that uncomfortable pressure in his chest, the one that sooner or later would demand violent release. His hands fisted.
“That’s not true,” she said, hugging herself.
“It’s the only thing that’s true,” he said quietly.
Dropping her gaze, she paced across the wet floor, confusion rolling off of her and washing regret through him. Finally, she leaned back against the door, her expression and posture so damn defeated as her blue eyes cut up to him. “Don’t you understand that you’re everything to me?” she asked. The question was like a steel shank to the gut, opening up a wound that was gory and messy and sure to leave him bleeding out. “No matter how fucked up you think you are, no matter what problems you’re facing, you’re already enough for me!”
“No,” he said, not wanting to hear this, not able to face the temptation.
“Damnit, Noah. Yes,” she said, her voice rising.
He got right up in her face, towering over her and caging her in with his hands against the door. “You’re wrong,” he bit out.
“No! You’re scared,” she said, her gaze looking too deep inside him, seeing too much.
Her words hit him like a lightning strike, going straight to his heart and triggering an explosion. Because he was scared. Scared that he’d never get better. Scared that he couldn’t continue to handle this pain. Scared that, someday, Kristina Moore would find a man who actually deserved her. That shit was just fact.
He slammed his open palm against the door beside her head and yelled, “I’m not fucking scared.”
It was possible Noah had never loathed himself more than when he saw her flinch in fear of him.
And that just clinched it.
He took a big step back this time, big enough that he couldn’t reach out and touch her. And damn if she didn’t look small curled in on herself against that door. “I’m just realistic, Kristina. And I’m doing the right thing by you. Finally. I’m just sorry I didn’t do it sooner.”
“But I love you, Noah. Doesn’t that count for something?” A single brutal tear rolled from the corner of one eye.
“No,” he said, the falseness of the sentiment making him nauseous. Because her love was everything, maybe even the only thing. But there were some gifts you could never accept and never keep no matter how precious they were.
“Why?” she whispered.
Noah swallowed once, twice, the lie not coming as easily as he wanted it to, or needed it to. “Because I don’t love you. Not like that.”
For a long moment, Kristina couldn’t breathe. The words were like a punch to the gut, setting off a sickening ache and making her want to curl into a ball. She stared at Noah, willing him to say more. But he didn’t.
Which meant there was nothing left for her to say, either. Because she’d laid it all out there, and she’d pushed him, and she’d fought. But she couldn’t make him love her, and she couldn’t make him admit that he did if he insisted he didn’t.
Without saying a word, she bent down and retrieved her long-forgotten sandals and purse from where she’d earlier dropped them on the floor. Mortified, she stuffed her discarded panties into her purse, too. And then she stood up and gave him one last look.
“I guess we’re done here, then,” she said. Kristina turned and walked out the door.
/> She texted Kate before she pulled out of Noah’s parking lot, so she wasn’t surprised when Kate’s door flew open before Kristina even knocked.
“Oh, honey.” Kate pulled Kristina inside the apartment and into her arms. The sympathy beckoned Kristina’s tears again, and she sagged against her friend and let them come. “I’m so sorry,” Kate said.
Kristina kept her face buried in Kate’s shoulder until she regained control of her breathing, and then she let herself be led over to the big overstuffed couch. Kate’s place was decorated in rich golds and browns, with deep red and purple accents. It was like walking into a lush, autumn forest, and Kristina always felt at home here.
They sat heavily on the couch, their knees drawn up toward one another.
“Did you tell him?” Kate asked carefully.