"Yes," he said, the first time he had ever truly acknowledged it, even to himself. All these years, he'd been able to hide it. Not from her. "Bloodlust is the greatest weakness of my kind. It is an addiction - a damnable plague. Once it has you in its grasp, few vampires are strong enough to escape it. They go Rogue, and then they are lost for good."
"How does it happen?"
"It's different for everyone. Sometimes, the disease moves in, little by little. The hunger grows, and so you feed it. You feed it whenever it calls, and one night you realize the need is never filled. For others, one careless indulgence can tip them past breaking."
"And how is it for you?"
His smile grew tight, more a baring of his teeth and fangs. "I have the dubious honor of carrying my father's blood in my veins. If the Rogues are beasts, they are nothing compared to the scourge that started our entire race. For Gen Ones, the temptation is always there, drumming harder in us than in any others. If you want to know the truth of it, I have been staving off Bloodlust since my first taste."
"So, you have a problem, but you got through it last night."
"I was able to hold it back, thanks in no small part to you, but each time it gets worse."
"You can get through it again. We'll get through it together."
"You don't know my history. I've already lost both of my brothers to the disease."
"When?"
"A very long time ago." He scowled, thinking back on a past he didn't like to dredge up. But the words came quickly now, whether he wanted to relive them or not. "Evran, the middle born of us three, went Rogue soon after he reached adulthood. He was killed in combat, fighting for the wrong side in one of the old wars between the Breed and the Rogues. Marek was the eldest, and the most fearless. He and Tegan and I were part of the first cadre of Breed warriors to rise up against the last of the Ancients and their armies of Rogues. We formed the Order around the time of the great human plague in Europe. Less than a hundred years later, Bloodlust claimed Marek; he sought the sun to end his misery. Even Tegan had a close brush with the addiction long ago."
"I'm sorry," she said softly. "You've lost so much to it. And to this conflict with the Rogues. I can see why it terrifies you."
He had a flippant reply perched at the tip of his tongue - some line of bullshit he wouldn't hesitate to trot out for one of the other warriors if they were presumptuous enough to think him afraid of anything. But the dismissive retort stayed stuck in his throat as he looked at Gabrielle, knowing that better than anyone in all his long existence, she understood him best.
She knew him on a level no one else ever had, and part of him was going to miss that once the time came to send her away to the future that awaited her in the Darkhavens.
"I didn't realize Tegan and you went back so far," Gabrielle said.
"He and I go all the way back, to the beginning. We're both Gen One, both sworn in our duty to defend our race."
"You're not friends, though."
"Friends?" Lucan laughed, considering the centuries of animosity that simmered between the two of them. "Tegan doesn't have friends. And if he did, he sure as hell wouldn't count me among them."
"Then why do you let him stay here?"
"He's one of the best warriors I've ever known. His commitment to the Order goes deeper than any hatred he harbors for me. We share the belief that nothing is more important than protecting the future of the Breed."
"Not even love?">"So beautiful," he rasped, mesmerized by the flushed perfection of her. He pressed his face against her, opening her to him with his fingers, tonguing her clit and the wet crevices that surrounded it. He brought her to a swift climax, relishing the hard tremors that rolled over her as she curled her fingers into his shoulders and cried out in release.
"God, you wreck me, woman. I can never get enough of you."
He was so fevered to be inside of her, he hardly heard her little gasp as he came back up to cover her with his body. He registered the sudden stillness of her, but it was her voice that made him freeze above her.
"Lucan... your eyes..."
Instinctively, he turned his face away from her. Too late. He knew that she had glimpsed the hungered glow of his transformed gaze. It was the same feral look she had seen in him last night - or, rather, close enough that her human eyes would have difficulty telling the difference between blood hunger and the heated intensity of desire.
"Please," she said gently. "Let me see you..."
Reluctantly, bracing himself over her on his fists, he brought his eyes back to hers. He saw the flicker of alarm but she didn't flinch from him. She looked closely, studying him.
"I won't harm you," he said, his voice raspy and thick. He let her see his fangs as he spoke, unable to conceal any of his body's reaction to her now. "This is need, Gabrielle. Desire. You do this to me. Sometimes just thinking about you - " He broke off, cursing low under his breath. "I don't want to frighten you, but I can't stop the change. Not when I want you so damned much."
"And all the other times we've been together?" she whispered, frowning. "You've hidden this from me? You always shielded your face, kept your eyes averted, when we made love before?"
"I didn't want to scare you. I didn't want you to see what I was." He scoffed. "You've seen everything anyway."