The Truth (Discworld 25)

'And since you are newcomers I can offer you an introductory hundred-dollar theft, which will give you subsequent immunity for a full twenty-six months plus this booklet of restaurant, livery hire, clothing and entertainment vouchers worth a full twenty-five dollars at today's prices. Your neighbours will admire--'

Mr Tulip's arm moved in a blur. One banana-bunch hand caught the thief around the neck and slammed his head against the wall.

'Unfortunately, Mr Tulip's middle name is "Bastard",' said Mr Pin, lighting a cigarette. The meaty sounds of his colleague's permanent anger continued behind him as he picked up the wine glasses and examined them critically.

Teh... cheap paste, not crystal at all,' he said. 'Who can you trust these days? It makes you despair,'

The body of the thief slumped to the ground.

'I think I'll go for the --ing barbecue set,' said Mr Tulip, stepping over it. 'I see here where it contains a number of oh-so-useful skewers and spatulas that will add a --ing new dimension of enjoyment to those al fresco patio meals,'

He ripped open the box and dragged out a blue and white apron, which he examined critically.

' "Kill the Cook!!!" ' he said, slipping it over his head. 'Hey, this is classy stuff. I'll have to get some --ing friends so's they can envy me when I'm having a meal with --ing Al Fresco. How about them --ing vouchers?'

There's never any good stuff in these things,' said Mr Pin. 'It's just

a way of shifting stuff no one can sell. See here... "25% off Happy Hour Prices at Furby's Castle of Cabbage".' He tossed the booklet aside.

'Not bad, though,' said Mr Tulip. 'And he only had twenty dollars on him, so it's a --ing bargain.'

I'll be glad when we leave this place,' said Mr Pin. 'It's too strange. Let's just frighten the dead man and get out of here.'

'Eyinnngg... GUT!'

The cry of the wild newspaper seller rang out across the twilit square as William set off back to Gleam Street. They were still selling well, he could see.

It was only by accident, as a citizen hurried past him, that he saw the headline:

WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO COBRA

Surely Sacharissa hadn't got out another edition by herself, had she? He ran back to the seller.

It wasn't the Times. The title, in big bold type that was rather better than the stuff the dwarfs made, was:

'What's all this?' he said to the seller, who was socially above Ron's group by several layers of grime.

'All this what?'

'All this thisV The stupid interview with Drumknott had left William very annoyed.

'Don't ask me, guv. I get a penny for every one I sell, that's all I know.'

' "Rain of Soup in Genua"? "Hen Lays Egg Three Times In Hurricane"? Where'd all this come from?'

'Look, guv, if I was a readin' man I wouldn't be flogging papers, right?'

'Someone else has started a paper!' said William. He cast his eyes down to the small print at the bottom of the single page and, in this paper, even the small print wasn't very small. 'In Gleam Street?'

He recalled the workmen bustling around outside the old warehouse. How could-- But the Engravers' Guild could, couldn't they? They already had presses, and they certainly had the money. Tuppence was ridiculous, though, even for this single sheet of... of rubbish. If the seller got a penny, then how in the world could the printer make any money?

Then he realized: that wouldn't be the point, would it... the point was to put the Times out of business.

A big red and white sign for the Inquirer was already in place across the street from the Bucket. More carts were queueing outside.

One of Goodmountain's dwarfs was peering around from behind the wall.

'There's three presses in there already,' he said. 'You saw what they've done? They got it out in half an hour!'