The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents (Discworld 28)

'That's true, sir. This place is dead.'

'What's that word Dangerous Beans invented?'

'Evil,' said Darktan, watching the squad drag the trap out of the walls of the tunnel. He could see mangled springs and wheels in the jaws. He added, 'I couldn't quite understand what he was going on about, at the time. But now I think I can see what he meant.' He looked back along the tunnel to where a candle flame burned, and grabbed a passing rat. 'Peaches and Dangerous Beans are to stay right back, understand?' he said. 'They're not to come any further.'

'Right, sir!' said the rat, and hurried away. The expedition moved forward, cautiously, as the runnel opened up into a large, old drain. It had a trickle of water in the bottom. There were ancient pipes in the roof of it. Here and there steam hissed from them. Weak green light came from a street grating, further down the drain. The place smelled of rats. It smelled freshly of rats. In fact there was a rat in there, nibbling at a tray of food that had been set on a crumbling brick. It glanced at the Changelings and fled. 'Get after it!' Hamnpork yelled. 'No!' shouted Darktan. A couple of rats, who'd begun to chase the keekee hesitated. 'That was an order I gave!' roared Hamnpork, turning on Darktan. The trap expert made a very brief crouch and said, 'Of course. But I think the view of Hamnpork in possession of all the facts will be a little different than the view of Hamnpork who just shouted because he saw a rat run away, hmm? Sniff the air!' Hamnpork's nose wrinkled. 'Poison?' Darktan nodded. 'Grey No. 2,' he said. 'Foul stuff. It's best to keep well away.' Hamnpork looked both ways along the pipe. It went on for a long way, and was just about high enough for a human to crawl along it. Lots of smaller pipes hung near the ceiling. 'It's warm here,' he said. 'Yes, sir. Peaches has been reading the guide-book. Hot springs of water come up out of the ground here and they pump it around to some of the houses.'

'Why?'

'To bath in, sir.'

'Hrumph.' Hamnpork didn't like that idea. A lot of the young rats were keen on taking baths. Darktan turned to the squad. 'Hamnpork wants that poison buried and widdled on and a marker on it right now!' Hamnpork heard a metallic sound beside him. He turned and saw that Darktan had drawn, from his web of tools, a long thin piece of metal. 'What the krckrck is that?' he said. Darktan swished the thing backwards and forwards. 'I got the stupid-looking kid to make this for me,' he said. And then Hamnpork realized what it was. 'That's a sword,' he said. 'You got the idea out of Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure!'

'That's right.'

'I've never believed that stuff,' Hamnpork grumbled. 'But a spike is a spike,' said Darktan, calmly. 'I think we're close to the other rats. It'd be a good idea if most of us stay here… sir.' Hamnpork felt he was being given orders again, but Darktan was being polite. 'I suggest that a few of us go on ahead to sniff them out,' Darktan went on. 'Sardines would be useful, and I'll go, of course'

'And me,' said Hamnpork. He glared at Darktan, who said, 'Of course.'

CHAPTER 7

And because of Olly the Snake's trick with the road sign, Mr Bunnsy did not know that he had lost his way. He wasn't going to Howard the Stoat's tea party. He was heading into the Dark Wood. - From Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure Malicia looked at the open trapdoor as if giving it marks out of ten. 'Quite well hidden,' she said. 'No wonder we didn't see it.'

'I'm not hurt much,' Keith called up from the darkness. 'Good,' said Malicia, still inspecting the trapdoor. 'How far down are you?'

'It's some sort of cellar. I'm OK because I landed on some sacks,'

'All right, all right, no need to go on about it, this wouldn't be an adventure if there weren't some minor hazards,' said the girl. 'Here's the top of a ladder. Why didn't you use it?'

'I was unable to on account of falling past,' said the voice of Keith. 'Shall I carry you down?' Malicia said to Maurice. 'Shall I scratch your eyes out?' Maurice responded. Malicia's brow wrinkled. She always looked annoyed when she didn't understand something. 'Was that sarcasm?' she said. 'That was a suggestion,' said Maurice. 'I don't do “picking up” by strangers. You go down. I'll follow.'

'But you haven't got the legs for ladders!'

'Do I make personal remarks about your legs?' Malicia descended into the dark. There was a metallic noise, and then the flare of a match. 'It's full of sacks!' she said. 'I know,' came the voice of Keith. 'I landed on them. I did say.'

'It's grain! And… and there's strings and strings of sausages! There's smoked meat! Bins of vegetables! It's full of food! Aargh! Get out of my hair! Get off! That cat just jumped onto my head!' Maurice leapt off her and onto some sacks. 'Hah!' said Malicia, rubbing her head. 'We were told that the rats had got it all. I see it all now. The rat-catchers get everywhere, they know all the sewers, all the cellars… and to think those thieves get paid out of our taxes!' Maurice looked around the cellar, lit by the flickering lantern in Malicia's hand. There was, indeed, a lot of food. Nets hanging from the ceiling were indeed stuffed with big, white, heavy cabbages. The aforesaid sausages did indeed loop from beam to beam. There were indeed jars and barrels and sacks and sacks. And, indeed, they all worried him. 'That's it, then,' said Malicia. 'What a hiding place! We're going to go right away to the town Watch, report what we've found, and then it's a big cream tea for all of us and possibly a medal and then-'

'I'm suspicious,' said Maurice. 'Why?'

'Because I'm a suspicious character! I wouldn't trust your rat-catchers if they told me the sky was blue. What have they been doing? Pinching the food and then saying, “It was the rats, honest”? And everyone believed them?'

'No, stupid. People have found gnawed bones and empty egg baskets, that sort of thing,' said Malicia. 'And rat droppings all over the place!'

'I suppose you could scratch the bones and I suppose rat-catchers could shovel up a lot of rat droppings…' Maurice conceded. 'And they're killing all the real rats so that there's more for them!' said Malicia triumphantly. 'Very clever!'

'Yeah, and that's a bit puzzling,' said Maurice, 'because we've met your rat-catchers and, frankly, if it was raining meatballs they wouldn't be able to find a fork.'

'I've been thinking about something,' said Keith, who had been humming to himself. 'Well, I'm glad someone has,' Malicia began. 'It's about wire netting,' said Keith. 'There was wire netting in the shed.'

'Is this important?'

'Why do rat-catchers need rolls of wire netting?'

'How should I know? Cages, maybe? Does it matter?'

'Why would rat-catchers put rats in cages? Dead rats don't run away, do they?' There was silence. Maurice could see that Malicia was not happy about that comment. It was an unnecessary complication. It spoiled the story. 'I may be stupid-looking,' Keith added, 'but I'm not stupid. I have time to think about things because I don't keep on talking all the time. I look at things. I listen. I try to learn. I-'

'I don't talk all the time!' Maurice let them argue and stalked away into the corner of the cellar. Or cellars. They seemed to go on a long way. He saw something streak across the floor in the shadows, and leapt before he could think. His stomach remembered that it had been a long time since the mouse, and it connected itself straight to his legs. 'All right,' he said, as the thing squirmed in his paws,'speak up or-' A small stick hit him very sharply. 'Do you mind?' said Sardines, struggling to get up. 'Dere's bno deed to be like dab!' muttered Maurice, trying to lick his smarting nose. 'I've got a rkrklk HAT on, right?' snapped Sardines. 'Do you ever bother to look?'