The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents (Discworld 28)

'All ride, all ride, sorwy… why're you here?' Sardines brushed himself off. 'Looking for you or stupid-looking kid,' he said. 'Hamnpork sent me! We're in trouble now! You just won't believe what we've found!'

'He wants me?' said Maurice. 'I thought he didn't like me!'

'Well, he said it's nasty and evil so you'd know what to do, boss,' said Sardines, picking up his hat. 'Look at that, will you? Your claw went right through it!'

'But I did ask you if you could talk, didn't I?' said Maurice. 'Yes, you did, but-'

'I always ask!'

'I know, so-'

'I'm very definite about asking, you know!'

'Yes, yes, you've made your point, I believe you,' said Sardines. 'I only complained about the hat!'

'I'd hate anyone to think I don't ask,' said Maurice. 'There's no need to go on and on about it,' said Sardines. 'Where's the kid?'

'Back there, talking to the girl,' said Maurice sulkily. 'What, the mad one?'

'That's her.'

'You'd better get them. This is seriously evil. There's a door at the other end of these cellars. I'm amazed you can't smell it from here!'

'I'd just like everyone to be clear that I asked, that's all…'

'Boss,' said Sardines,'this is serious!' Peaches and Darktan waited for the exploration party. They were with Toxie, another young male rat, who was good at reading and acted as a kind of assistant. Peaches had also brought Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure. 'They've been gone a long time,' said Toxie. 'Darktan checks every step,' said Peaches. 'Something's wrong,' said Dangerous Beans. His nose wrinkled. A rat scurried down the tunnel and pushed frantically past them. Dangerous Beans sniffed the air. 'Fear,' he said. Three more rats scrambled past, knocking him over. 'What's happening?' said Peaches, as another rat spun her around in its effort to get past. It squeaked at her and rushed on. 'That was Finest,' she said. 'Why didn't she say anything?'

'More… fear,' said Dangerous Beans. 'They're… scared. Terrified…' Toxie tried to stop the next rat. It bit him, and ran on, chittering. 'We must go back,' said Peaches urgently. 'What've they found up there? Maybe it's a ferret!'

'Can't be!' said Toxie. 'Hamnpork killed a ferret once!' Three more rats ran past, trailing fear behind them. One of them squealed at Peaches, gibbered madly at Dangerous Beans and ran on. 'They… they've forgotten how to talk…' whispered Dangerous Beans. 'Something terrible must have frightened them!' said Peaches, snatching up her notes. 'They've never been that frightened!' said Toxie. 'Remember when that dog found us? We were all frightened but we talked and we trapped it and Hamnpork saw it off whimpering…' To her shock, Peaches saw that Dangerous Beans was crying. 'They've forgotten how to talk.' Half a dozen more rats pushed their way past, screeching. Peaches tried to stop one, but it just squeaked at her and dodged out of the way. That was Feedsfour!' she said, turning to Toxie. 'I was talking to her only an hour ago! She… Toxie?' Toxic's fur was bristling. His eyes were unfocused. His mouth was open, showing his teeth. He stared at her, or

right through her, and then turned and ran. She turned and put her paws around Dangerous Beans, as the fear swept over them. There were rats. From wall to wall, floor to ceiling, there were rats. The cages were crammed full of them; they clung to the wire in front, and to the ceilings. The netting strained with the weight. Glistening bodies boiled and tumbled, paws and noses thrusting through the holes. The air was solid with squeaking and rustling and chittering, and it stank. What was left of Hamnpork's exploration party were clustered in the middle of the room. Most of it had fled by now. If the smells in that room had been sounds, they would have been shouts and screams, thousands of them. They filled the long room with a strange kind of pressure. Even Maurice could feel it, as soon as Keith broke down the door. It was like a headache outside your head, trying to get in. It banged on the ears. Maurice was staying a little way behind. You didn't need to be very clever to see that this was a bad situation and one which might need some running away from at any time. He saw, between their legs, Darktan and Hamnpork and a few other Changelings. They were in the middle of the floor, looking up at the cages. He was amazed to see that even Hamnpork was trembling. But he was trembling with rage. 'Let them out!' he shouted up to Keith. 'Let them all out! Let them all out now!'

'Another talking rat?' said Malicia. 'Let them out!' Hamnpork screamed. 'All these foul cages…' said Malicia, staring. 'I did say about the wire netting,' said Keith. 'Look, you can see where it's been repaired… they gnawed through wire to escape!'

'I said let them out!' screamed Hamnpork. 'Let them out or I will kill you! Evil! Evil! Evil!'

'But they're just rats-' said Malicia. Hamnpork leapt and landed on the girl's dress. He swarmed up towards her neck. She froze. He hissed, 'There are rats eating one another in there! I will gnaw you, you evil-' Keith's hand grasped him firmly around the waist and pulled him off her neck. Screeching, hair bristling, Hamnpork sunk his teeth into Keith's finger. Malicia gasped. Even Maurice winced. Hamnpork drew his head back, blood dripping from his muzzle, and blinked in horror. Tears welled up in Keith's eyes. Very carefully, he put Hamnpork down on the floor. 'It's the smell,' he said, quietly. 'It upsets them.'

'I… I thought you said they were tame!' said Malicia, able to speak at last. She picked up a lump of wood that was leaning against the cages. Keith knocked it out of her hand. 'Never, ever threaten one of us!'

'He attacked you!'

'Look around! This is not a story! This is real! Do you understand? They're frightened out of their minds!'

'How dare you talk to me like that!' Malicia shouted. 'I rrkrkrk will!'

'One of us, eh? Was that a rat swearword? Do you even swear in Rat, rat boy?' Just like cats, Maurice thought. You stand face to face and scream at one another. His ears swivelled as he heard another sound, in the distance. Someone was coming down the ladder. Maurice knew from experience that this was no time to talk to humans. They always said things like 'What?' and 'That's not right!' or 'Where?'

'

'To bath in, sir.'

'Hrumph.' Hamnpork didn't like that idea. A lot of the young rats were keen on taking baths. Darktan turned to the squad. 'Hamnpork wants that poison buried and widdled on and a marker on it right now!' Hamnpork heard a metallic sound beside him. He turned and saw that Darktan had drawn, from his web of tools, a long thin piece of metal. 'What the krckrck is that?' he said. Darktan swished the thing backwards and forwards. 'I got the stupid-looking kid to make this for me,' he said. And then Hamnpork realized what it was. 'That's a sword,' he said. 'You got the idea out of Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure!'

'That's right.'

'I've never believed that stuff,' Hamnpork grumbled. 'But a spike is a spike,' said Darktan, calmly. 'I think we're close to the other rats. It'd be a good idea if most of us stay here… sir.' Hamnpork felt he was being given orders again, but Darktan was being polite. 'I suggest that a few of us go on ahead to sniff them out,' Darktan went on. 'Sardines would be useful, and I'll go, of course'