Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"I'm doing horse scubbo for the rupert," said Shufti, easily dropping into a slang learned all of twenty hours ago. "He specifically asked for it. Got lots of dry horse jerky from Threeparts, but Tonker says she can knock over some pheasants while she's on duty."

"I hope she spends some time watching for enemies too," said Polly.

"She'll be careful," said Lofty, prodding the fire with a stick.

"You know, if we're found out, we'll be beaten and sent back," said Shufti.

"Who by?" said Polly, so suddenly she surprised herself. "By whom? Who's going to try, out here? Who cares out here?"

"Well, er, wearing men's clothes is an Abomination Unto Nuggan - "

"Why?"

"It just is," said Shufti firmly. "But - "

" - you're wearing them," said Polly.

"Well, it was the only way," said Shufti. "And I tried them on and they didn't seem all that abominable to me."

"Have you noticed men talk to you differently?" said Lofty shyly.

"Talk?" said Polly. "They listen to you differently, too."

"They don't keep looking at you all the time," said Shufti. "You know what I mean. You're just a... another person. If a girl walked down the street wearing a sword a man would try to take it off her."

"Wi' trolls, we ain't allowed to carry clubs," said Jade. "Only large rocks. An' it ain't right for a girl to wear lichen, 'cos der boys say bald is modest. Had to rub bird doin's inna my head to grow this lot."

That was quite a long speech for a troll.

"We didn't know that," said Polly. "Er... trolls all look the same to us, more or less."

"I'm nat'rally craggy," said Jade. "I don't see why I should polish."

"There is a difference," said Shufti. "I think it's the socks. It's like they pull you forward all the time. It's like the whole world spins around your socks." She sighed and looked at the horsemeat, which had been boiled almost white. "It's done," she said. "You'd better go and give it to the rupert, Polly... I mean, Ozzer. I told the sarge I could do something better but he said the lieutenant said how good it was last night - "

A small wild turkey, a brace of pheasants and a couple of rabbits, all tied together, landed in front of Shufti.

"Good job we were guarding you, eh?" said Tonker, grinning and whirring an empty sling around in one hand. "One rock, one lunch. Maladict's staying on guard. He said he'll smell anyone before they see him and he's too edgy to eat. What can you do with that lot?"

"Casserole of game," said Shufti firmly. "We've got the veg and I've still got half an onion.3 I'm sure I can make an oven out of one of those - "

"On your feet! Attention!" snapped the silently moving Jackrum, behind them. He stood back with a faint smile on his face as they scrambled to their feet. "Private Halter, I must have bleedin' amazin' eyesight," he said, when they were approximately upright.

"Yes, sarge," said Tonker, staring straight ahead.

"Can you guess why, Private Halter?"

"No, sarge."

"It's because I knows you are on perimeter guard, Halter, but I can see you as clear as if you was standing right here in front of me, Halter! Can't I, Halter?"

"Yes, sarge!"

"It's just as well you are still on perimeter duty, Halter, because the penalty for absenting yourself from your post in time of war is death, Halter!"

"I only - "

"No onlys! I don't want to hear no onlys! I don't want you to think that I am a shouty man, Halter! Corporal Strappi was a shouty man, but he was a damn political! Upon my oath I am not a shouty man but if you ain't back at your post inside of thirty seconds I'll rip yer tongue out!"