Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

Tonker fled. Sergeant Jackrum cleared his throat and continued, in a level voice: "This, my lads, is what we call a real orientation lectchoor, not one of the fancy political ones like Strappi gave yer." He cleared his throat. "The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?"

Since there were none from the bemused recruits, he continued, while beginning a slow stroll around the squad, "We know enemy forces are in the area. Currently they have no boots. But there will be others with boots aplenty. Also, there may be deserters in the area. They will not be nice people! They will be impolite! Therefore Lieutenant Blouse has decreed that we will travel off the roads and by night. Yes, we have met the enemy, and we have prevailed. That was a fluke. They weren't expecting you to be rough, tough soldiers. Nor were you, so I don't want you to feel cocky about it." He leaned forward until his face was inches from Polly's. "Are you feeling cocky, Private Perks?"

"No, sarge!"

"Good. Good." Jackrum stepped back. "We are heading for the front, lads. The war. And in a nasty war, where's the best place to be? Apart from on the moon, o' course? No one?"

Slowly, Jade raised a hand.

"Go on, then," said the sergeant.

"In the army, sarge," said the troll. "'cos..." She began to count on her fingers. "One, you got weapons an' armour an' dat. Two, you are surrounded by other armed men. Er... Many, youse gettin' paid and gettin' better grub than the people in Civilian Street. Er... Lots, if'n you gives up, you getting taken pris'ner and dere's rules about that like Not Kicking Pris'ners Inna Head and stuff, 'cos if you kick their pris'ners inna head they'll kick your pris'ners inna head so dat's, like, you're kickin' your own head, but dere's no rule say you can't kick enemy civilians inna head. There's other stuff too, but I ran outa numbers." She gave them a diamond grin. "We may be slow but we ain't stoopid," she added.

"I am impressed, private," said Jackrum. "And you are right. The only wasp in the jam is that you ain't soldiers! But I can help you there. Bein' a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it. There is only three things you need to remember, which are, viz: one obey orders two give it to the enemy good and hard three don't die. Got that? Right! You're nearly there! Well done! I propose to assist you in the execution of all three! You are my little lads and I will look after you! In the meantime, you got duties! Shufti, get cooking! Private Perks, see to the rupert! And after that, practise your shaving! I will now visit those on guard and deliver unto them the holy word! Dismissed!"

They remained at something like attention until he was probably out of earshot, and then sagged.

"Why does he always shout?" said Shufti. "I mean, he only has to ask..."

Polly upended the horrible scubbo into a tin bowl, and almost ran to the lieutenant's shelter. He looked up from a map and smiled at her as if she was delivering a feast.

"Ah, scubbo," he said.

"We are actually having other stuff, sir," Polly volunteered. "I'm sure there's enough to go round - "

"Good heavens, no, it's been years since I've had food like this," said Blouse, picking up the spoon. "Of course, at school we didn't appreciate it so much."

"You had food like this at school, sir?" said Polly.

"Yes. Most days," said Blouse happily.

Polly couldn't quite fit this in her head. Blouse was a nob. Nobs ate nobby food, didn't they? "Had you done something bad, sir?"

"I can't imagine what you mean, Perks," said Blouse, slurping at the horrible thin gruel. "Are the men rested?"

"Yes, sir. The dead people were a bit of a shock - "

"Yes. Bad business," sighed the lieutenant. "Such is war, alas. I am only sorry you had to learn so fast. Such a terrible waste all the time. I am sure things can be sorted out when we reach Kneck, though. No general can expect young men like yourselves to be instant soldiers. I shall have something to say about that." His rabbity features looked unusually determined, as if a hamster had spotted a gap in its treadmill.

"Do you require me for anything else, sir?" said Polly.

"Er... do the men talk about me, Perks?"

"Not really, sir, no."

The lieutenant looked disappointed. "Oh. Oh, well. Thank you. Perks."

Polly wondered if Jackrum ever slept. She did a spell of guard duty, and he stepped out from behind her with "Guess who, Perks! You're on lookout. You should see the dreadful enemy before they see you. What're the four Ss?"

"Shape, shadow, silhouette and shine, sarge!" said Polly, snapping to attention. She'd been expecting this.

That caused a moment's pause from the sergeant before he said: "Just knew that, did yer?"

"Nosir! A little bird told me when we changed guard, sir! Said you'd asked him, sir!"

"Oh, so Jackrum's little lads are gangin' up on their kindly ol' sergeant, are they?" said Jackrum.

"Nosir. Sharing information important to the squad in a vital survival situation, sarge!"