Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"On this issue, at least, the sergeant and I are of one mind, Perks," said Blouse. "Really, private, it would simply not work. Oh, you're brave, certainly, but what makes you think you stand a chance of passing yourself off as a woman?"

"Well, sir... what?"

"Your keenness will not go unrecorded, Perks," said Blouse, smiling. "But, y'know, a good officer keeps an eye on his men and I have to say that I've noticed in you, in all of you, little... habits, perfectly normal, nothing to worry about, like the occasional deep exploration of a nostril maybe, and a tendency to grin after passing wind, a natural boyish inclination to, ahem, scratch your... selves in public... that sort of thing. These are the kind of little details that'd give you away in a trice and tell any observer that you were a man in women's clothing, believe me."

"I'm sure I could pull it off, sir," said Polly weakly. She could sense Jackrum's eyes on her. You bloomi - you bloody well know, don't you. How long have you known?

Blouse shook his head. "No, they would see through you in a flash. You are a fine bunch of lads, but there is only one man here who'd stand a chance of getting away with it. Manickle?"

"Yessir?" said Shufti, rigid with instant panic.

"Can you find me a dress, do you think?"

Maladict was the first to break the silence. "Sir, are you telling us... you're going to try to get in dressed as a woman?"

"Well, I'm clearly the only one who's had any practice," said Blouse, rubbing his hands together. "At my old school, we were in and out of skirts all the time." He looked around at the circle of absolutely expressionless faces. "Theatricals, you see?" he said brightly. "No gels at our boarding school, of course. But we didn't let that stop us. Why, my Lady Spritely in A Comedy of Cuckolds is still talked about, I understand, and as for my Yumyum¨C Is Sergeant Jackrum all right?"

The sergeant had folded up, but with his face level with his knees he managed to croak: "Old war wound, sir. Come upon me sudden, like."

"Please help him, Private Igor. Where was I... I can see you all look puzzled, but there's nothing strange about this. Fine old tradition, men dressing up as gels. In the sixth form, the chaps used to do it for a jape all the time." He paused for a moment, and added thoughtfully, "Especially Wrigglesworth, for some reason..." He shook his head as if dislodging a thought and went on: "Anyway, I have some experience in this field, d'ye see?"

"And... what would you do if - I mean when you got in, sir?" said Polly. "You won't just have to fool the guards. There'll be other women in there."

"That will not present a problem, Perks," said Blouse. "I shall act in a feminine way and I have this stage trick, d'ye see, where I make my voice sound quite high-pitched, like this." The falsetto could have scratched glass. "See?" he said. "No, if we need a woman, I'm your man." e closed the book with a leathery flwap. "Absolutely correct, sergeant!" he said brightly. "I commend you on your encyclopaedic knowledge of the regulations!"

Jackrum looked thunderous. "What?"

"You were practically word perfect, sergeant!" said Blouse. And there was a gleam in his eye. Polly remembered Blouse looking at the captured cavalry captain. This was that same look, the look which said: now I have the upper hand.

Jackrum's chins wobbled.

"You had something to add, sergeant?" said Blouse.

"Er, no... sir," said Jackrum, his face an open declaration of war.

"We'll leave at moonrise," said Blouse. "I suggest we all get some rest until then. And then... may we prevail." He nodded to the group, and walked over to where Polly had spread his blanket in the lee of the bushes. After a few moments there were some snores, which Polly refused to believe. Jackrum certainly didn't. He got up and strode out of the firelight. Polly hurried after him.

"Did you hear that?" snarled the sergeant, staring out at the darkening hills. "The little yoyo! What right has he got, checking up in the book o' words?"

"Well, you did quote chapter and verse, sarge," said Polly.

"So? Officers are s'posed believe what they're told. And then he smiled! Did you see? Caught me out and smiled at me! Thinks he's got one over on me, just because he caught me out!"

"You did lie, sarge."

"I did not Perks! It's not lying when you do it to officers! It's presentin' them with the world the way they think it ought to be! You can't let 'em start checkin' up for themselves. They get the wrong ideas. I told you, he'll be the death of all of us! Invading the bloody Keep? The man's wrong in the head!"

"Sarge!" said Polly urgently.

"Yes, what?"

"We're being signalled, sarge!"

On a distant hilltop, twinkling like an early evening star, a white light was flashing.

Blouse lowered his telescope. "They're repeating 'CQ'," he said. "And I believe those longer pauses are when they're aiming their tube in different directions. They're looking for their spies. 'Seek You', see? Private Igor?"

"Thur?"