Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

Jackrum made a clicking noise of exasperation. "Oh, Tonker, why the hell did you wait 'til you'd got your trousers off before asking me that? I'll feel embarrassed telling yer now!" And Polly thought: that's bait, right? You want to tell us. You want to get any conversation away from Scritz...

"Ah," said Tonker. "It's about sex, then, is it?"

"Not as such, no..."

"Well, tell me, then," said Tonker. "I'd like to know before I die. If it makes you feel any better I'll nudge people and go gnher, gnher, gnher."

Jackrum sighed. "There's a song," he said. "It starts 'Twas on a Monday morning, all in the month of May - "

"Then it is about sex," said Polly flatly. "It's a folk song, it starts with 'twas, it takes place in May, QED it's about sex. Is a milkmaid involved? I bet there is."

"There could be," Jackrum conceded.

"Going for to market? For to sell her wares?" said Polly.

"Very likely."

"O-kay. That gives us the cheese. And she meets, let's see, a soldier, a sailor, a jolly ploughboy or just possibly a man clothed all in leather, I expect? No, since it's about us, it'll be a soldier, right? And since it's one of the Ins-and-Outs... oh dear, I feel a humorous double-entendre coming on. Just one question: what item of her clothing fell down or came untied?"

"Her garter," said Jackrum. "You've heard it before, Perks."

"No, but I just know how folk songs go. We had folk singers in the lower bar for six months back hom¨C where I worked. In the end we had to get a man in with a ferret. But you remember stuff... oh, no..."

"Was there canoodling, sarge?" said Tonker, grinning.

"Kayaking, I expect," said Igorina, to general sniggering.

"No, he stole the cheese, didn't he?" sighed Polly. "As the poor girl was lying there waiting for her garter to be tied, hem hem, he damn well made off with her cheese, right?"

"Er... not damn. Not with the skirt on, Ozz," Tonker warned.

"Then it's not Ozz, either," said Polly. "Fill yer hat with bread, fill yer boots with soup! And steal the cheese, eh, sarge?"

"That's right. We've always been a very practical regiment," said Jackrum. "An army marches on its stomach, lads. On mine, o' course, it could troop the colour!"

"It was her own fault. She should have been able to tie up her own garters," said Lofty.

"Yeah. Probably wanted her cheese stolen," said Tonker.

"Wise words," said Jackrum. "Off you go, then... cheesemongers!"

The mist was still thick as they made their way down through the woods to the path by the river. Polly's skirt kept catching in brambles. It must have done so before she'd joined up, but she'd never noticed it so much. Now it was seriously hindering her. She reached up and absent-mindedly adjusted the socks, which she'd separated to use as padding elsewhere. She was too skinny, that was the trouble. The ringlets had been useful there. They said "girl". In their absence, she had to rely on a scarf and a socks change.

"All right," she whispered, as the ground levelled out. "Remember, no swearing. Giggle, don't snigger. No belching. No weapons, either. They can't be that stupid in there. Anyone brought a weapon?"

There was a shaking of heads.

"Did you bring a weapon, Tonk - Magda?"

"No, Polly."

"No item of any sort with a certain weapon-like quality?" Polly insisted.

"No, Polly," said Tonker demurely.

"Anything, perhaps, with an edge?"

"Oh, you mean this?"