Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31)

"I may not be clever," she said to Polly. "But I'm not stupid."

But Polly was still staring at Lieutenant Blouse. He'd curtsied surprisingly well.

The soldier escorted them along a tunnel which opened onto a ledge overlooking what was either a cave or a room; it was at that level in the Keep where there was not much difference. This wasn't a laundry, but clearly some hot, damp afterlife for those who required punishment with extra scrubbing. Steam rolled across the ceiling, condensed, and dripped onto a floor that was already running with water. And it went on for ever, washtub after washtub. Women moved like ghosts through the drifting, tumbling clouds of fog.

"There you go, ladies," he said, and slapped Blouse on the rump. "See you tonight, then, Daphne?"

"Oh, yes!" trilled Blouse.

"Five o'clock, then," said the soldier, and ambled off down the corridor.

"Daphne?" said Polly, when the man had gone.

"My 'nom de guerre'," said Blouse. "I still haven't found a way out of the lower areas but the guards all have keys and I shall have his key in my hand by half past five. Pardon?"

"I think Tonker - sorry, Magda - just bit her tongue," said Polly.

"Her? Oh, yes. Well done for staying in character, er..."

"Polly," said Polly.

"Good choice of name," said Blouse, leading the way down some steps. "It's a good common, maidservanty sort of name."

"Yes, that's what I thought," said Polly gravely.

"Er... Sergeant Jackrum not with you, then?" said the lieutenant, with a trace of nervousness.

"No, sir. He said he was going to lead a charge on the main gates, sir, if we sent him a signal. I hope he doesn't try without one."

"Good heavens, the man's mad," said Blouse. "Splendid effort from the lads, though. Well done. You'd definitely pass for women to the casual observer."

"Coming from you, Daphne, that is a big compliment," said Polly, thinking: gosh, I'm really good at keeping a straight face.

"But you didn't need to come after me," said Blouse. "I'm sorry I couldn't get a signal to you, but Mrs Enid allowed me to stay overnight, you see. The guards don't do so many checks at night so I made use of my time to look for ways into the Upper Keep. All gated or really heavily guarded, I'm afraid. However, Private Hauptfidel has taken rather a shine to me..."

"Well done, sir!" said Polly.

"Sorry, I want to be clear, sir," said Tonker. "You have a date with a guard."

"Yes, and I'll suggest we go somewhere dark and then when I've got what I want I shall break his neck," said Blouse.

"Isn't that going a bit far on a first date?" said Tonker.

"Sir, did you have any trouble getting in?" said Polly. This had been nagging at her. It seemed so unfair.

"No, not at all. I just smiled and wiggled my hips and they waved me through. What about you?"

"Oh, we had a little bit," said Polly. "It was a bit hair - it was a bit awkward for a moment or two."

"What did I tell you?" said Blouse triumphantly. "It's all down to thespian ability! But you were plucky lads to try it. Come and meet Mrs Enid. A very loyal lady. The brave womenfolk of Borogravia are on our side!"

And, indeed, there was a picture of the Duchess in the alcove that served the laundry mistress for an office. Mrs Enid wasn't a particularly large woman but she had forearms like Jade, a soaking wet apron, and the most mobile mouth Polly had ever seen. Her lips and tongue drew out every word like a big shape in the air, the laundresses, in a cavern full of hissing steam, echoes, falling water and the thud of wet clothes on stone, watched lips when ears were overwhelmed. When she was listening her mouth moved all the time, too, like someone trying to dislodge a piece of nut from a tooth. She wore her sleeves rolled up above her elbows.

She listened impassively as Blouse introduced the squad. "I see," she said. "Right. You leave your lads here with me, sir. You ought to get back to the pressing room."

When Blouse had bounced and wobbled back through the steam, Mrs Enid looked them all up and down, and then straight through.

"Lads," she grunted. "Hah! That's all he knows, eh? For a woman to wear the clothes of a man is an Abomination in the Eyes of Nuggan!"